


Exception to the Rule

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-03
Updated: 2008-05-10
Packaged: 2019-01-19 23:57:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 60,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12420852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: “I ruin lives, James. You wouldn’t believe it, but I’ve ruined yours too.”�In a heartbeat, my feet are on the floor and I’m closing the gap between his arm holding the envelope and myself.“And hers.”� (AU, OOC, a Hourglass Award nominee)





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

  
Author's notes: 1  


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**A/N:** Spun from a thought I had one night and couldn’t stop writing. I do hope you’ll enjoy it and please review! 

**I'd like to point out that this is not a chapter, it's just the Prologue, and the conversation below was taken from a chapter I already have going. I just posted this first because it seemed like an interesting thing to do.**

**Disclaimer** : Far from being the great J.K. so don’t get it twisted. I do this for fun, not financial profit.

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE

** Prologue **

**_James’ POV_ **

“I drink a lot now. Ever wonder why?” Sirius asks as he tumbles onto the chair directly across from mine, clearly intoxicated.

“Can't say that I do.”

My attention switches back to my Potions essay due early tomorrow morning. Truthfully, my answer would be a lie. He had always been a reasonable drinker. Not too much, but just enough to get a little tipsy.

After I discovered Sirius passed out one night on the common room couch clutching a large bottle of Odgen’s strongest firewhiskey, I’d been covertly wondering ever since. Lately, he’d made it a nightly custom. My presumption was that it had something to do with his family.

“Well, don’t you want to know why?” He asks with a slight slur of his words. Confident that he will continue no matter if I say ‘yes’ or ‘no’, I remain silent. I really don’t have time for his shit. He'll probably pass out within the next five minutes anyway.

“I think I should have been in Slytherin.”

I pause from my writing, mentally digest his words, and turn my head to look at him. Where’s this coming from? The Sirius I know would never, ever make such a statement, completely pissed or not. Or maybe he would, he’s said some ridiculous things in the past. Lost in my own probing thoughts, I can only muster one stupid word in response.

“Okay…”

The hand holding his drink of choice for the night sloshes the burgundy liquid around in vortex, entrancing its owner. His glassy eyes are glued to the bottle and I can’t even begin to guess what thoughts are running through his head.

“It’s the truth, you know. I have all the qualities of the classic Slytherin. I’m…what’s the word? Manipulative…yeah, that’s it. And calculating and ruthless. I’m just like _them_ , only nobody sees it ‘cause I’m a reformed Gryffindor now.”

My brain is racking as I can only imagine what he’s talking about. He’s sprawled over the chair now- one leg swung over the armrest and his own arm draped over the back of the chair- and staring blankly into the roaring fire that is in close proximity. His eyes reflect the wild and erratic flames, but it’s as if they contain a fire of their own.

“I’m just like Malfoy and Snape or any one of those bloody Death Eaters. Maybe even Voldemort. I’m destructive, a poison in the body. I ruin lives, James. I always have. I’ve ruined mine and Marlene’s.”

What the hell is he on about?

As if reading my mind, his free hand plunges underneath his robes and into the pocket of his slacks, emerging with what appears to be a crumpled beige envelope. We are both staring at it with great deliberation when he finally speaks.

“And you wouldn’t believe it, but I’ve ruined yours too.”

In a heartbeat my feet are on the floor and I’m closing the gap between his arm holding the envelope and myself. His words echo in my head like the beating of a gong.

“And hers.”

I can feel the color drain from my face and my heart rate speeding up. For the first time, I get a good look at the envelope. The lone word written on the envelope forms my first name in an elegant cursive. The handwriting belongs to the only woman to ever capture my heart, the woman who will always have it.

Lily.

“Sirius, what the fuck have you _done_?”

 


	2. Flawless

**Disclaimer** : I don't own any of these characters, just the story itself. Get it? Got it? Good.

**A/N** : I present to you the highly anticipated and **official** chapter 1, where our story _really_ begins. Thanks to all who reviewed!

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****

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE

**Chapter 1** : Flawless

**_Sirius’ POV_ **

**October 30, 1976  
Saturday**

_Flawless._

That’s the only word that could depict the couple sitting in front of me, their bodies entangled and at ease. The word ‘perfect’ is too cliché for such a unique pair like them.

Yes, flawless is the correct term. But truthfully, there are no words in any dictionary that can define them.

Separately, they’re amazing, no doubt. Quidditch captain and Head Boy and the beautiful and very intelligent Head Girl. Individually, they shine brilliantly like stars in a cloudless sky.

But when joined together, they exude a different type of power that is indescribable. I don’t think it’s possible that even the sun could exceed their luminosity. They are total complements of one another and when their talents merge, they're invincible. The perfect balance of noncompliance and obedience as well as laidback and studious.

Lily and James, supreme couple, the embodiment of flawlessness.

I’ve seen a lot of relationships, both young and old alike, in my 17 years in this world. None can compare and all fall short. If they haven’t yet, they will eventually.

I never knew a love like that existed before they became dear friends and--slowly but surely--lovers.

I watched from the side as James would pull her then carrot-colored plaits, jinx her skin to appear as if she’d suffered an extremely bad sunburn, and send her precious schoolbooks flying in all directions down the hallways with a flip of his wand. He embarrassed her-completely and totally humiliated her in front of her peers-and in spite of everything they managed to fall in love.

Their parents are convinced it’s just puppy love. After all, how can you fall madly in love at 16 and expect it to last? But for those of us at school who can witness all of it daily, we know better. We see the looks; we hear the sweet nothings they whisper to one another when they think no one can hear them.

They’re the couple little girls read about in their fairy tale books. He’s the night in shining armor and she’s his princess, soon to be Queen. Their love is one that most only dream of finding.

And that’s where the jealousy comes into play.

Girls are constantly preaching to their boyfriends about how they should be more like James. James, who treats Lily like a one-of-a-kind porcelain doll. In turn, the guys secretly wish their girlfriends would melt when their hands touched like Lily does with James. Mumbles of the dreams and aspirations that they desire in each other fade into the night when they realize they’re not that couple, nor will they ever be.

I’m not an exception to this group. Let me make one thing clear: I am not jealous of James because he has Lily. I’m jealous because James has someone like Lily in his life. She's his foundation and the only one who can keep his head screwed on straight.

I’m jealous because at the youthful age of 16, he’s found his soul mate. The partner he will run off and marry, have children, and sit on their front porch in matching rocking chairs with. He will fall asleep dreaming of her face and then awake to find the real thing beside him forevermore.

It’s because of that certainty that I envy James.

Because his marathon is over and I’m still tremendously far from the finish line. He’s with the woman who fulfills his wildest dreams and I’m with the girl who momentarily fulfills my lusts.

The ‘relationship’ I’m currently endeavoring has come to a crossroad. I have chosen to take the left turn while she’s chosen the right. For some reason unbeknownst to either of us, we’re still clinging onto something. What that something is, I don’t have a clue.

I honestly wish I could feel for Marlene what James feels for Lily. I wish I could look at Marlene like she’s the only woman in the room. I wish I could shout the words ‘I love you’ at the top of my lungs and sing it from the highest mountain and actually **mean** it.

But I can’t. Both she and I know it. James and Lily have the love that lasts a lifetime. Marlene and I have a love that lasts a minute.

And the seconds are slowly— _torturously_ —ticking away.

“Si, how about this one?”

My gaze is trained on the sickeningly sweet vision before me as I feel a feminine hand firmly grasp my shoulder. Reluctantly, I turn around to face Marlene.

“Sirius, how do I look?” She asks as she spins in her navy blue dress.

With a grin, I stand and reply, “Stunning.”

While our relationship contains many secrets and lies (mostly on my part if not all), that is not one of them. Marlene is nothing short of drop-dead gorgeous. Silky straight hair that is the color of rich chocolate is pinned half way up, the other half cascading elegantly down her back. Her stormy eyes, a mixture of blue and gray, are shining brightly and her smile couldn’t be more radiant. Even without all of the bells and whistles, she’s still the most striking woman I’ve ever set eyes on.

“There’s only one thing that needs to be fixed…” With a sly smile she turns around, revealing her exposed back and a partially fixed zipper, “Will you help me?”

I can only smile as I walk to stand very close behind her and tug on the zipper until it’s all the way up.

“Why do you insist on buying things like this when you always need help putting them on?”

Behind me, I heard James chuckle and the sounds of him standing up to stretch his limbs.

“They know what it does to us. As if the lengths of the dresses aren’t tantalizing enough, they feel it necessary to take it a step forward and tease us. Make us help them clothe themselves when they know we want to do the exact opposite. Lily does it all the time.”

Immediately, an open-mouthed Lily is up from the couch as well to slap James hard on his arm and all four of us are laughing.

“Hey, no need to resort to violence! You know I’m right, anyway. You know what you’re doing to me when you wear this little green number of yours. You’re a tease, Miss Evans.” He states with a smirk and a familiar mischievous twinkle in his eye.

A look that can rival James’ graces Lily’s face and she leans inches away from his, their lips treacherously close.

“A tease, am I? Maybe. But you know better than anyone that I don’t need a dress to do that.”

"That, love, is completely true." James stated as he moved a little closer.

His lips barely grazed hers when Lily unexpectedly turns away to face Marlene and myself, causing Marlene to burst into hysterics.

“And this is where our dear Mr. Potter is incorrect, Sirius. That sort of teasing is unnecessary. Why buy a dress just for that purpose when it can be done so easily?”

She turns to face James and blows him a kiss. His shocked expression transforms into a pout and Lily further presses the issue.

“But you know, if you guys are tired of helping, we can find a few volunteers who would happily assist…” She trails off, chancing another look at James just in time to see him frown.

“Most definitely not! I’m the only man who will be undertaking that task from here on out.” He says as he gathers her in his arms, places light kisses on her pale shoulder and his lips travel up to her neck. The joking atmosphere that inhabited the room a few seconds ago has vanished. Lily’s arms are wrapped around his neck, pulling his lips down to meet hers in a sweet kiss.

I, along with Marlene, can only stare at the loving couple for a few moments and then she turns away, playing with the hem of her dress in an attempt to cut the mounting tension between us. Nothing new. This is how it’s always been and it’s how it always will be for as long as we’re together.

Something on Lily’s right hand catches my eye as she and James sway back and forth in each other’s arms: her promise ring. Upon seeing it, I’m brought back to the day when James told me he had bought them. His face lit up with joy. Why wouldn’t it? The girl of his dreams was going to wear a public symbol of their love on her finger, promising that she would be his eternally.

I remember the day that wasn't too long ago when he slipped it on her right ring finger. I’m not sure how many people heard it, but the words that he disclosed afterwards rang loud in my ears.

_“One day, I’m going to move this ring to your other hand.”_

He wears his on his right ring finger and when it’s not there, it’s usually on a silver chain around his neck. Either way it is never far from him at any time. Even when he’s racing around the pitch at dangerously high speeds and being chased by bludgers, he has it safely tucked in underneath his uniform.

I, being the free-spirited bachelor that I am, once asked him why he wore it all the time. I’ll never forget the look on his face when he stared back at me. _‘It makes me feel closer to her’_ was his only answer. He also takes the time to observe the ring on her finger, knowing she feels the same, and that thought alone can bring a permanent smile to his face.

I don’t have that with Marlene. I might never have it with anyone. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting it.

“Shouldn’t we be leaving?” Marlene asks. I didn’t miss the catch in her voice as she spoke.

“Probably. Heard it’s some party for some quidditch team. Won some sort of game or something. I have to go meet their captain; I hear he’s a spectacular fellow. Not to mention devilishly handsome.”

James held his chin up high in a proud manner and after seeing the look on Lily’s face, I waited to watch his arrogance drop down a couple of points. As predicted, her soft voice spoke up with just the right amount of innocence.

“Amos, is it? James, I didn’t know you felt that way. If I had known that sooner, I wouldn’t have deprived you of your lover boy!”

Laughter erupts from ¾ of our small group as James’ mouth falls open.

“Shut your trap sweetie, you’ll catch flies with it that wide.” Lily says after her laughter has somewhat subsided.

“Oh that was so not funny, Lil.” James said and I could tell that he was fighting off a grin, but tried in vain to hold it back, “Besides, you know their Keeper, Woodson, is more my type...”

Lily throws her head back and her shoulder shake with mirth and James grins at her as he loops their arms together. They proceed to walk towards the portrait of the Head dorms, Marlene and I following in a similar fashion. My eyes never leave the couple ahead of us.

Lily rests her head on James’ shoulder as they walk calmly down the corridor. Even from this distance we can hear the celebrations and chants in honor of Gryffindor, but nothing disturbs their serene nature. His arm is no longer looped with hers, but wrapped around her tiny waist and holding her firmly against him. She couldn’t get away if she tried. Not that she’d want to.

It’s little things like this that make the greed surge through my veins, burning every cell in my body. The little jokes, the little insults that they can get away with. Whether they’re teasing each other about their ‘crushes’ or making witty remarks, they still know where their hearts belong. It doesn’t matter how cute she thinks a pro quidditch player is or how hot he thinks the ‘Veela of the Month’ on my calendar is. They’re so secure with what they have that nothing fazes them.

If I used some of the jokes on Marlene that James uses with Lily, I would be in the doghouse 24-7. No pun intended.

Knowledge of the truth is painful.

I glance at Marlene out of the corner of my eye to see her gaze was aimed at the floor and I wonder what it would be like to feel that way about her. To have a relationship based on our love and trust, not just the comfort of having eye candy by my side and an occupied position next to my body in bed. I just can’t help but wonder.

Finally, we’re face-to-face with the portrait of the Fat Lady (who is looking extremely pissed, might I add), the only thing separating us from the raging celebration inside. Since I somehow ended up being the closest, I yelled the password at the portrait and she violently swung open, mumbling a long stream of explicit words under her breath while doing so.

Marlene and I enter first, attracting the attention of several people. I immediately plaster on a roguish veneer, living up to the role I’ve played all of my seven years at Hogwarts. Slapping hands with the guys, winking at the ladies who giggle as I walk by, pretending that Marlene is nothing more than a trophy girl. I know it’s killing her to stand by as I ignore her presence completely. But really, who am I if I’m not the hard-partying Gryffindor bachelor that everyone knows and loves?

The applause and cheers reach an all-time high as a new couple steps through the portrait.

_“Great job, James!”_

_“At-a-boy, Potter! You showed that scum how a REAL team does it!”_

_“That was one hell of a match, man!”_

_“Hey Lily, looking beautiful as usual!”_

I escort Marlene to a spot near the window and turn to watch the scene unfold. I hear Lily giggle excitedly as James looks down at her with a broad grin on his face.

And for the moment, despite the crowd of people gathered around them, I know they can only see each other. She’s far from being his trophy girl. He wouldn’t dare treat her as such and he makes sure that everyone else understands this. His arm never leaving her waist and the affection he displays in his eyes is assurance of his love for her.

The crowd can’t seem to get enough of them. Gryffindor’s proverbial Golden Boy and Girl, the centerpiece of the party. Every one wants a piece of them, to talk to them and get their opinions on everything.

And suddenly, I feel that recurring sensation gnaw at my heart.

**Jealousy.**

Gryffindor’s flawless King & Queen take their throne once again.

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**A/N** : And there you go, there's Chapter 1. Let me know what you think! If you have any questions, feel free to ask them in a review :D


	3. The Only Thing

**Disclaimer** : I don't own any of these characters, just the story itself. Get it? Got it? Good.

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE

Chapter 2 **: The Only Thing**

_**James’ POV** _

**November 5, 1976**

“Anybody ever told you how sexy you look in a Quidditch uniform?”

My arms are envelope her waist from behind as I whisper in her ear and I absorb the feeling of completeness, the feeling I only get when I’m with her. Hearing her giggle from my contact instantly brings a smile to my face.

“I’ve had a few people tell me,” She says as she revolves around in my arms and places a kiss on the tip of my nose, “but I love hearing it from you.”

“So...do you like?”

A gargantuan smile lights up her entire face. That would be a ‘yes’.

“Why wouldn’t I? I’m still shocked that you did it. I mean I knew you were serious about us, but damn!” She exclaims and I laugh then kiss her smooth cheek.

She spins around once again and stretched out the back of the jersey so I can read it clearly.

**Future Mrs. Potter.**

What she doesn’t know is that after I got it through owl and ripped opened the package, I spent a good 15 minutes reading those three words repeatedly like a mantra.

She turns to face me again, flinging her arms around my chest and pressing her ear over my heart. “It’s perfect,” she whispers into the cloth of my black school robe.

“Of course it is, look who’s wearing it.”

Looking down, I see pink faintly rising in her pale cheeks. I’m pretty confident that it has nothing to do with the cold and I love it knowing I’m the cause of it. If sweet-talking her meant her cheeks would have that rosy color forever, I would do it until the end of my days.

“This is going to show all those nay-sayers a thing or two, eh?”

I examine those beautiful pools of green. She's worried, but she tries to hide it behind the poised mask she’s created as a defense mechanism. Lily has always had a thick skin, but she can never fool me. She never has.

Our relationship has been nothing short of perfect. Most had wanted us to get together long before we actually did (myself included). For the first five years of knowing one another, she abhorred me. If I wasn’t transfiguring her flower into a slug during first year, I was asking her out non-stop fifth. But in sixth year, everything changed. We became fast friends and a few weeks into the school year, I asked her out one last time.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Again, most approved of our relationship. As far as I know, all of the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff students had no objections whereas a few Ravenclaws opposed. But by far, the strongest enmity towards our courtship came from Slytherin

Slytherins, being obsessed with maintaining the pureblood lines, thought it a great offense on my part to be associated with—let alone _dating_ —a muggleborn. As a result, I was deemed a ‘blood traitor’ and the jeers of the filthy word ‘mudblood’ rang throughout the hallways more than ever. Sirius and I would immediately hunt down the culprit and…well…‘take care’ of the situation. No one should be called that name, especially not Lily. And she won't be called that as long as I'm around.

It’s junctures like these that I cherish the most. The quiet, peaceful moments where we can get lost in each other’s eyes and shut out the prejudices of the world. There are no harsh words, no condemnation. Just us.

Unfortunately, our time together will only be shared in letterform for the next two days.

Lily’s sister is getting married this weekend and Lily (much to her displeasure) must depart from Hogwarts via Floo Network in Dumbledore’s office. Despite both Lily and Petunia’s opposition of the idea, Lily was practically forced to become a bridesmaid by her mother.

Apparently the small problem that Petunia despised Lily would not interfere at all.

Right...

“I guess I need to get going. They’re kind of expecting me home for luncheon. I love you and I'll see you Sunday. I know it will be hard, but do try to behave yourself while I'm gone.”

She hoists her purse higher up on her shoulder, gives me a long kiss, and walks out of the portrait hole. I don't even bother with trying to hold back a sigh.

“You miss her already, don’t you?”

I turn around swiftly to see Sirius behind me, hands in the pockets of his dark jeans. Laughing more to myself than him, I move my eyes to the floor.

“Yeah. I guess it’s sort of extreme. We’re not even out of school where we see each other every day, especially since we’re Heads, and I’m following her around like a lovesick puppy. Kind of pathetic, isn’t it?”

My head rises in time to see him smile and shake his head, sending his thick black hair tumbling in every direction.

“When you’re in love, it isn’t.”

“You don’t know how much she means to me, Padfoot. I can’t put it into words.”

“And you don’t have to…I already know. Actions speak louder than words.”

“I know but it runs so much deeper than that. I mean, I sit with her every morning in the Great Hall, have her in every class, and share a whole fucking private dorm with her…and I **still** can’t get enough. When she’s gone, it doesn’t matter if it’s for a one minute or one day, I feel incomplete. I’m just not whole without her.”

Sirius stares back at my face intently with an incomprehensible expression.

“I envy you, mate. I wish I knew how that felt.” He smiles sadly and strides into the Gryffindor boys’ dorm. My eyes and feet follow him as he stands in front of the mirror on the dresser, leaning on the palms of his hands that are planted a good distance apart.

“So I guess that leaves me to ask you one thing. Where’s Marlene?” I ask as I walk over to my bed, pick up a dirty shirt lying at the foot, and toss it carelessly on the ground before plopping down.

“Probably with the girls in their dorm,” he says quietly, then resumes, “She’s found her motive of the week to be pissed at me. Can’t say I blame her. I might have been too if the roles were reversed.”

“What happened?”

He releases a sordid laugh and looks at me at long last.

“My cousin Andromeda…you remember her, don’t you? The only _**sane**_ one out of that bunch?” I nod my head yes, “Well, she decided to stop by the other day. I passed her in the halls as she was coming from Dumbledore’s office. Apparently they were catching up on something, she didn’t really say what it was. Anyway, we went for a walk around the grounds and bumped into Marlene.

I explained to Marlene that she was my cousin Andy, the only one I write to each week. Marlene smiled at her and shook her hand, saying she’d heard a lot about her. Andy just looked at her and asked her who she was. Marlene told her that she was my girlfriend and Andy said I hadn’t mentioned her in any of the letters.”

“ _Ouch_. Why didn’t you?”

“You want the awful truth? I forgot. I know, it sounds like another one of my poor excuses and a horrible one at that, but I swear on Merlin’s sword it’s the truth. She didn’t even enter my mind while I wrote them. Not once. Hell, she doesn’t enter my mind very often at **all** these days.”

Instead of staring at his own reflection, he looks at mine from where I’m lying on the bed.

“It didn’t help when she and Lily got to talking about your family, how welcomed they made her feel when they met. All the stories they’d tell about you coming home for the summer and swooning over this feisty little redhead from school. Yeah, that definitely didn’t improve things, but what could I do? I apologized but she still isn’t talking to me.”

“Things haven’t been great for awhile now, have they?” I ask as he cocks his head to the side.

“No, they haven’t. There’s no spark. Sometimes I think I love her, other times I’m not so sure. I think I do really love the girl…I’m just not _in_ love with her. You know what I’m getting at? When she’s gone, I don’t feel incomplete.”

I can see the cogs working in his head and I wait for whatever might come out as the result.

“Can I ask you something?”

“You know you can. Besides, even if I said no, you’d probably ask it anyway.” He chuckled before returning to his somber state again.

“When did you know you were in love with Lily?”

I rake a hand through my hair as I mull over what I want to say.

“My gut instinct tells me it was the first time I saw her at Kings Cross. I think I’ve loved her since we were green eleven year olds…but I think the realization hit me like a ton of bricks in fifth year.”

“Fifth year? Wow, even back then. Those were troublesome times, man…” We share a laugh, briefly recalling all the wilder times, and he nods his head for me to carry on.

“It was when she told me she hated me.” He looks at me incredulously and I hold up my hand, signaling that there’s more to be said.

“I considered myself to be a big shot on campus. Next to you of course,” he smirks, “I had all of these people coming up to me and practically kissing me feet, willing to iron my clothes, and girls throwing their bodies at me like it was the last thing they’d ever get to do. I, as you very well know, indulged in this automatic royalty that comes with bearing the Potter surname. So when she told me she hated me, I was surprised to say the least. Not only surprised by her words, but surprised that I found her attractive even when she was barreling insult after insult in my direction.

“Then by the end of the year…after that whole incident…I really got to thinking. No one bothered to tell me to slow down. No one cared enough to tell me I should focus more on my grades than quidditch. No one except Lily. Only she used a more…erm…colorful means of expression.

“She was the one who made me see things in the long term. I could party all I wanted, fuck around all I wanted, and in the end I would have nothing. I would be a lonely bastard left to drown in money that wasn’t even earned by my own two hands. She changed my life, Sirius. She makes me want to do something more, something with a real purpose. She makes me want to be a better human being. It didn’t matter that she hated me at the time. I was in it for the long haul. I would’ve never given up on her no matter how many times she insisted that I didn’t stand a chance because I knew she was worth it. All of it.”

Sirius’ head bows as a slow smile creeps onto his face.

“Like I told you before, I can’t even put it into words what I feel about that girl. She’s the adrenaline I get from riding my broom high speed and the thrill from pulling off an awesome prank all rolled into one. I could be stripped of this god-like status tomorrow and I wouldn’t care as long as I still had her by my side. That’s what love is.”

Breaking my eyes away from Sirius, I examine the picture by my nightstand.

Marlene had taken the picture with Lily's muggle camera after Sirius' 17th birthday party had ended. After the people left and we'd managed to accomplish a bit of cleaning (the most we could do while slightly intoxicated), Lily and I had fallen asleep in each others arms on the couch. Her head was tucked underneath my chin and my arms were holding her child-like form protectively. It's a simple photograph with no magic except what exists between the two of us. It's my favorite picture to date.

I turn back to Sirius to find him watching me intently, no longer using the mirror.

“You can take away quidditch. You can take away my inheritance. You can take anything I own from my life and I wouldn’t care as long as you didn’t take her."

I can feel my heart skip a beat as the real meaning my words hit home.

"She’s not just everything, Sirius. She’s the only thing.”

 


	4. My All

** Please read: **

**A/N** : I’ve already posted this story on another site (hence why I’m churning out chapters like nobody’s business) and I figured I might as well post it here for those who prefer most of the fics on this site.    

I’ve gotten some reviews from a couple of readers who cannot find the plot in this story. First and foremost, this is obviously not your typical L/J love/hate story (I suppose you could call it AU). Some of you may like this different approach, some may not. It’s your cup of tea. 

Yes, the first few chapters will be fluffy (especially this one, so here’s your fair warning). **If you absolutely hate fluff, you might want to skip on to the next chapter.** But, it will not be this way forever. If any of you have read this on the other site that I mentioned above, you’ll know what I mean.  

I figured the plot might be at least a little obvious in the first chapter (not the prologue, the first chapter). This story is about love, yes, but it’s also about how jealousy can tear apart relationships. In this story, Sirius envies James, particularly because of his loving relationship. He has the life that Sirius wants and he’s corrupted by his own jealousy, so much that he hurts a lot of people in the process. Some chapters will be in his POV, while most will not. 

This note is just to let you know where I’m coming from and try to give a little insight on the plotline. For those of you who still want to give it a chance and trust in what I’m writing, thank you and I hope you enjoy this story. 

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE  
Chapter 3: My All

**_Lily’s POV_ **

**November 6, 1976  
Saturday**

“My parents don’t wear their wedding bands anymore.”

I observe my sister and her now husband Vernon Dursley (his hefty physique is the total opposite of lanky Petunia) as they slow dance to the music.

My voice catches my childhood friend, Samantha Wilkins, by surprise as she sits in the fold-out metal chair beside me. Our friendship stemmed from being next-door neighbors and eventually classmates.

Unfortunately, when I got my letter from Hogwarts that fateful day in July six years ago, our friendship was put to the ultimate test. Though many miles of concrete road and rolling hills have kept us separate, we still manage to keep up with one another’s lives.

And of course, she knows I’m a witch. She’s the only muggle (outside of my family) that knows my little secret. I’ve also given her the full details on my relationship with James. She knows I love him, but I don’t think she realizes how strongly.

“What are you talking about, Lil?” Her bright brown eyes are wide with confusion. She’s pondering my previous announcement as she watches me shuffle restlessly in my chair.

“They don’t wear their rings, “I repeat, averting my eyes from hers, “Does that mean their love is fading?”

Samantha’s brow furrowed and she looked across the dance floor towards my parents who were passing jokes with a family friend.

“No, I don’t think so. Rings are just a public symbol of love and dedication and blah, blah, blah. They don’t come near to representing all of it. They were in love before they got married and they didn’t have rings then. I think it’s more of a state of comfort with each other. They don’t have to wear the bands to show that they’re in love.” She cleverly points out and her suspicious eyes do an inspection of my face.

“That’s exactly what I think,” I respond in confirmation. I’m well aware that she is more confused now than ever before, but all of this was said more for myself than as a question for her. She just chose to answer it.

“Lily, what’s going on? Are your parents talking about a divorce?”

“Oh God no,” I cut in, “It’s just…it’s not all about the material things, right? It’s about what you feel in here.” My hand hovers just above my heart.

Her expression is clueless and I can’t contain my laughter; she’s looking at me like I’ve grown a second head.

“Don’t mind me, Sam. I just have a lot of thoughts running around up here and I’m trying to make sense of it all.”

She’s been around me long enough to know that it’s no use pursuing the topic any further, so she shakes her head and watches the crowd on the dance floor.

“So where’s this James you brag so much about, anyway? Shouldn’t he be here for an occasion such as this? By the way you talk about him and that pretty little ring on your hand, he’ll probably be apart of your family soon anyway.”

I know I’m blushing furiously, a curse that comes with being a natural born redhead. Upon seeing my face turn the shade of a well-ripened tomato, Samantha’s thunderous laugh earns us a couple of glares from my great-aunts Peggy and Ethel.

“Did you honestly think putting the ring on the other hand would keep it a secret, especially from _me_? And here I was thinking you knew me so well…” She drawled and I rolled my eyes.

“He’s not here because he’s the Head Boy. Someone has to be in charge of the Prefect meeting this weekend and it wouldn’t do for both of us to be absent. And I’m not really trying to hide it. I’m not sure if mum and dad are ready to see it on that finger just yet. His parents are surprisingly fine with it, but mine…well, they’ve only met James about four times and I don’t think they believe we’re that serious. I really want to break it to them when I know they really understand that this is not some passing thing.”

I look down at the small ring on my right hand. As my fingers start to rotate it, my mind drifts back to the day he slipped it on.

_With my luggage in tow, I use all of my strength to pull myself onto the Hogwarts Express for my final year at the school, the place I’ve called home for the past six years of my life._

_As soon as I find an empty compartment, strong arms snake around my hips my shoulder supports a head._

“ _Do you know what today is?”_

_I twist to face my captor and find myself looking into the James’ warm hazel eyes._

_"Well, it’s September 1st, if that’s what you mean.” I say, noticeably bemused._

_He only laughs softly as he takes my hand and leads me further into the compartment. My hands are still folded with his as we sit close together by the window._

“ _Today’s our anniversary.”_

_I’m definitely lost now._

“ _Baby, our anniversary isn’t until November.”_

_"I didn’t say it was the **official** anniversary, just an anniversary.”_

_I’m trying to recall the significance of the day. James only stares at me, his eyes shining like diamonds and a half-grin spreading across hi handsome face._

“ _I can’t think of it. So…what’ll it be?”_

_His warm hands grasp mine and his eyes lock on our joined hands._

_"Six years ago today, my world was changed. I just didn’t know how much."_

_He lifts his head and stares straight into my eyes. I see my reflection along with something else…love._

“ _It was on this very day, on this same old train, that I met a little redheaded girl who would play such an important role in my life. Lily, today is the anniversary of the day I met you.”_

_Tears threaten to fall as his thumb rubs over the top of my left hand._

“ _I didn’t recognize the feeling then. I was an immature little bugger, that’s for sure,” we both laughed, mine through tears, “But I recognize it now. Since that day, I’ve loved you. I love everything about you. All of your crazy quirks, your temper, your beauty your ability to put others before you…those things make you who you are. You’ve become a permanent fixture in my life and in my heart.”_

_He removes his hand, much to my disappointment, and reaches into the pocket of his robes._

“ _Even when you told me time after time that I was the last person you would ever date, I still loved you. Even when we became friends and you told me that was all you were ready for, I loved you. And now that we’re together, I love you more than ever. That’s why I bought these.”_

_When he withdraws his hand from his pocket, I see a maroon box in his palm. He opens it, uncovering two silver rings with jewels surrounding their exteriors. He removes the smaller ring, lifts my right hand, and glides it smoothly onto my ring finger. I follow his lead and take the residual ring from the box and slip it onto his._

_He inhales deeply and takes a quick look at me with his glazed eyes. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the shadows of about four people fall across the compartment door and I hear the handle turn._

_James is also aware of this and lowers his voice._

“ _I know it’s not much but it’s the best I can do for now. One day, I’m going to move this ring to your other hand.” He manages to get the words out in time as Sirius, Marlene, Remus, and Peter enter the compartment. James’ pulls me to him to allow Remus to sit down. And for the whole ride I’m lost in a swirl of a brown, gold, and green, but I can feel someone else staring at me; someone whose eyes do not possess the tenderness of James’._

_Sirius._

“Lily. Lily? Earth to Lily!”

Samantha’s aggravated tone of voice draws me from my trance. “Hmm…what?”

“Where’d you go? I felt like I was talking to a wall or something.”

I don’t reply but glance down at my bridesmaids’ gown to hide the heat growing in my cheeks.

“I was asking you when you had to go back to school. I’d love to do something before you left, for old time’s sake. I miss you so much Lil, it’s not even funny. Do you know how hard it is to look out my bedroom window to see your blinds closed and curtains pulled? I miss our late night window-sill conversations.”

“I know. I miss those. I miss you. Sometimes, for reasons like this, I wish my school wasn’t so far away. Other times, like when Petunia visits, I’m thankful that it's in another country. I miss out on so much, though. I feel like while I’m gaining a life in this new world, I’m suffocating my old one consequently. But yes, we will definitely have to do something before I leave, which is tomorrow.” I say as I look down at my ring once again.

Maybe tonight I would be reunited with the old Lily again, the Lily who was progressively dying with each cast of a spell and the brewing of a potion.

Maybe tonight I could forget about the vicious blood wars of the magical world and just be a young muggle girl again.

~*~

**November 7, 1976  
Sunday Evening: Return to Hogwarts**

Last night was one of the few occasions in recent years when I felt alone.

Alone in a world that I once belonged to.

I watched the people I had grown up with since birth and I realized how much I’d truly missed. I didn’t recognize these young adults branded with familiar names.

Roselyn McDaniel—the tomboy who detested the sight of boys—was wearing mini skirts and tons of make up, painting her nails every night, and flirting with every boy within viewing range.

Richard Olsten—the scrawny boy with tape overlapping the bridge of his glasses and a book constantly under his nose—was so very handsome, his immaculate specs framing his face perfectly. On his arm was a busty blonde that was unbelievably gorgeous. She made every other girl (including myself) wilt like flowers in her presence. Who knew ‘Little Ricky’ would grow up to be a ladies man?

And Darren Bowen—my childhood crush—was no longer the cute, innocent little boy that I’d adored. He was good-looking in the rugged sense with his shaggy brown hair falling into his eyes (reminding me of one Sirius Black) and piercing blue eyes. I learned that he’d had many rows with the law His demeanor was cold and he had developed the nasty habit of smoking pot.

It was never until I saw all of these people from my past, listened to them chat mindlessly about which football team was better and who was dating who, that it really hit me. The muggle world is no longer my habitat. Time changes all things in both positive _and_ negative ways. And even though my trip home made me understand that concept in a poignant way, I think it was good for me.

But now I’m back within the safe boundaries of Hogwarts, the place that turned my ‘normal’ life upside down. Although I do not always feel welcomed here because of the bloodline bigotry, it is my home.

Home is where the heart is and my heart is somewhere on these magical grounds right now.

I’ve missed him so much. I never thought I’d be the type of girl that couldn’t be without their boyfriend’s affection for one day. As it turns out, I am, and the agony of a single day spent without his presence is nothing compared to two.

And now that I’m back and unpacked, I’m sitting in the empty Gryffindor common room where I’ve been for the past thirty minutes, sorting through my thoughts and fears.

Tonight, I will make up for the time I lost with James.

**Alone.**

Just the two of us.

No Sirius. No Remus. No Peter. No Marlene.

Just us.

And as I let that thought soak in, I can feel myself quivering at the thought.

Taking a brief peek at my watch, I see that it’s already six o’clock. James is somewhere around here and a chill runs its course down my spine at the thought. In my last owl to him, I didn’t specify what time I would be in so it would be a surprise.

Out of the blue, a cold hand clutches my shoulder and I jump nearly a foot out of my chair before I turn around to face the perpetrator.

One very disheveled Sirius Black.

“Hey, glad to see you’re back. Did the wedding go smoothly?” He asks as he pulls up a chair next to mine.

“Uh, yeah, considering whom it was that got married. Have you seen James?”

Sirius’ gray eyes bore into mine and I suddenly felt very self-conscious. Aside from James, Sirius is my best guy friend, my older brother with a reckless streak. I used to think of him as nothing more than a foolish troublemaker and the aloof heartbreaker of Hogwarts. But when I gave James a chance, it was only fair that I gave his best friend one as well. Since then, we’ve developed a bond and I know I can depend on him for anything.

If someone had told me two years ago that I would be madly in love with James Potter and referring to his best friend as a sibling, I would’ve told them to check into St. Mungo’s. It’s odd how life works sometimes.

As soon as his eyes are done probing my face for clues he asks, “Yeah, he’s down at the quidditch pitch doing a few extra laps. My guess is he’s trying to take his mind off your absence. Said he’d be down there until seven or a little after. Why? Something wrong?” with a genuinely concerned expression. How could I not smile?

“No, nothing’s wrong. Quite the reverse, really.”

He mutters ‘okay’, but I can tell he’s not buying into my words for a single minute. He’s always had a skill for uncovering the truth in people, no matter how cool the façade.

“How’s Marlene?”

Upon seeing his face grow dim, I instantly regret bringing up that subject matter as a conversation starter.

“I really haven’t talked to her, actually. She’s made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me. Things are still pretty tense between us. It’s been pretty much the same since you left Friday, no progress.”

“I’m sorry, Sirius, I didn’t know. James never mentioned anything about it in his letters. Is there anything you want me to do or say?”

A few minutes of silence pass between us as I watch him deliberately dodge my stare. After what feels like an eternity, he averts his eyes to mine and gives me a half-hearted smile.

“No, it’ll be all right. What’s meant to happen will happen. Besides, your mind is already preoccupied with something. Penny for your thoughts?”

I give out a small, timid chuckle and stand up to walk over to the window. He knows me far too well for my own good.

“It’s strange having a conversation like this with you, but I have my gut feeling is telling me you’re the right person to discuss this with.”

My back is to him, but I can tell he’s eyeing me attentively. Inhaling as much air as my lungs can hold, I prepare myself for the words that I’m about to say next as I turn and my eyes meet his.

“I think I’m ready to give myself to James.”

A range of emotions passes over his face.

Surprise, happiness, and…sadness?

Without saying a word, he nods his head.

“I’ve been thinking about this for awhile now. We’ve only been dating for about a year now, but I know this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I’ve thought this through and…I think it’s time. It just feels right.”

Those concerned gray eyes are still trained on my face.

“This is such a big step for you. It’s irreversible and when it’s done, it’s done. Are you sure, without a doubt, that you’re ready?”

“I am, Si.”

“So, where are these nerves coming from? I get that it will be your first time, but you know he would never—“

“Of course I know, don’t be ridiculous,” he chuckles, still looking at me, “It’s just…what if I-I don’t, you know, match his expectations? I’m a virgin, I don’t exactly have experience in this area whereas he…”

I hear him move from the chair and walk towards me, taking my hand and rubbing it soothingly with his own.

“Lillian, listen carefully. I happen to know that it won’t matter how ‘bad’ you think you are at anything, James only sees you as perfect. What you two have is something stronger than any of those flings in his past. I know that and you should too, by now. He loves you, he tells me every day. He will love you all the same.”

He pulls me into his warm embrace and I murmur, “Thanks so much, Si. I love you. You know that, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” he begins as he walks toward the portrait hole, “You’re the only one right now.”

I follow him to the exit and watch as he steps out, holding the edge of the portrait so we can still talk.

“So, tonight?” I give him a shy smile and nod.

“I expect he’ll be on cloud nine tomorrow and glued to your side. But really, don’t worry about a thing, Lil. It will go fine.”

He looks at me one last time before he turns to walk down the corridor. All at once, I am bombarded with inspiration.

“Sirius…can you do me a couple of favors?”

If my idea works out as planned, tonight will be one that neither James nor I will ever forget.

An hour later, I was under the willow tree by the lake with James’ two-way mirror clutched in one hand and a narrow strip of fabric in the other. I was shivering from the chilly November wind and I’m almost certain that I will die of pneumonia before he even began the search.

Just to make sure everything was going to plan, I requested that Sirius follow James underneath the invisibility cloak and carry the other mirror so I could see what was going on. Sure enough, I could see James’ figure approaching the changing room.

My eager eyes followed every inch him as he walked in, tossed his gear aside and removed the shirt drenched in sweat. The rays of the setting sun stream over his glistening abs and biceps, making him look ethereal with every move he made.

It isn’t until he steps out of the shower, a towel wrapped around his waist, that he notices something lying on the bench beside his fresh stack of clothes. He lifts the red rose first and then the card, beaming when he notices that it’s in my lettering.

_What was the first song we ever danced to?_

His attention then shifted to the envelopes, reading each one and pausing to think.

“ ** _Something In The Way She Moves_** _” or “ **Wonderful Tonight** ”?_

He picks up the ‘Something In The Way She Moves’ envelope and the corners of my mouth stretch into a grin, even more so when I see him murmuring the words to himself as he reads.

‘ ** _Something in the way you move,  
That looks my way and calls my name…_**

_Want to find me? Go to the kitchens.’_

It takes him a couple of minutes, but when he and an undercover Sirius enter the kitchens, he scans the room for the next clue. A tiny house elf approaches him bearing exactly what he’s looking for.

“Mr. Potter, sir? Ms. Evans asked Minnie to give these to you, sir.”

A frail brown hand extends to give him the small bundle and he gratefully accepted, bowing to the dumpy elf. She scurried off to another room, ears bright red and eyes wide with embarrassment. Merlin, the guy can even charm house elves.

‘ _Where did we go on our first real date **outside** of the school_?

**_Mordecai’s_ ** _or **La Notte Stellata**?’_

A giggle leaks from my mouth as he selects ‘La Notte Stellata’.

**_It certainly was a starry night…_ **

_You’re getting closer!_

_Go to the Head Dorms._

His long legs jog the entire way and I thank Merlin that Sirius is equally athletic. When he reaches the portrait and jumps through, the invisibility cloak covering Sirius gets stuck. Luckily, through his excitement, James never takes notice of Sirius yanking the cloak through the door. Instead, he eagerly raises the card that was placed on our coffee table.

_Do you remember where you first told me you loved me?_

**You’ll find me there.**

As soon as he reads the card, it transfigures into a branch from the willow tree I’m currently underneath. It takes him no time to recognize it and a grin glides over his perfect lips. He makes his way out of the dorm and races down the moving staircases, through the Great Hall, and approaches the large double doors.

I glance at the mirror in my hand and give Sirius a ‘thank you’ to let him know his work was done. He just sends me a weak smile and his handsome face disappears from the cool surface, my own foggy reflection taking its place. I can see the James’ fit outline headed for me in the distance.

"Lil," he says, now just a few meager steps in front of me, his questioning eyes looking down at the blindfold in my hands.

Without a sound, I walk over to him, tie the blindfold around him snugly, and grab his calloused hand with my silky-smooth one. Together, we walk back into the castle and I lead him to the seventh floor, past the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy, and we’re standing before what appears to be just a stonewall.

"Now, can you answer my question?" I whisper my question into his ear, feeling him quiver under my fingertips as my breath makes contact with his bare flesh.

“Where I first told you that I loved you?” he asks as he turns around and pulls me to him, blindfolded still in place, “It was the night you came back from your grandmother’s funeral. You were wearing a black dress, your make up was smudged from all of the tears, and you couldn’t stop crying because of the awful way Petunia had treated you that day.” I smile to myself as he recited the events of that night, his hand inching up and down my spine.

“It was late in the evening, much like it is now, and we went for a walk down by the Black lake. We were the only two out on the grounds that night. While we were sitting underneath this tree, you told me it felt like we were the only two people that existed in the world.”

His hand covers mine like a blanket and I press my lips to his for a sweet kiss.

“I can’t even begin to describe how beautiful you looked that night. The moonlight made you glow like a goddess. There was something so serene about all of it; the way we clung to each other under the branches of the tree, the moon and stars provided our only light, and the lake was so still that it mirrored the sky perfectly. Somehow, those three words just came out. They felt so effortless when I spoke them to you,” said James as he brought a hand up to stroke my cheek.

“The way you looked at me after I said it…I’ll never forget those eyes, ever. I don’t want to. I knew right away that you were the one.”

I can’t wipe the silly smile on my face as I take a step back from him and close my eyes. Back and forth I pace until the door to the Room of Requirement appears after the third stride.

With his hand grasped firmly in mine, I lead him into the room.

I gasp at the sight before me.

Even though I had created this room myself, I was still amazed at the beauty. The ceiling was charmed to resemble the night sky, much like the one in the Great Hall.

While there was no lake or willow tree, vines of ivy crept up the walls of stone and curled around fixtures. Orchids bloomed from the vines and sparkled like the stars above us. Diagonal from us was the bed, decked with silk sheets of green and pale gold.

It was way more than I had dreamed it would be.

My hands reach behind James’ head and untie the blindfold, allowing it to fall to the floor.

“That was the correct answer,” I say as I pull the last card from my jacket pocket, “take this.”

He opens the envelope with ease and quietly reads.

‘ _You’ve already captured my heart and soul, and now I want to give you my body. Tonight is for us. Tonight I will give you my all.’_

**_I love you…’_ **

"Lily," his voice is so soft and gentle, but I can hear hints of hesitation and surprise. And when he looks at me, I can read it in his eyes as well. I grab his hands and take a deep inhale of air, gathering strength for what I’m about to say and do.

"James, before you say anything, I want to let you know that I’ve thought this through. I’ve been thinking about it for some time now and I know that I want you, all of you, and that I love you. I don’t need a marriage certificate to tell me that. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you. I know what’s in my heart and nothing else matters.”

He looks up at me as I place his hand over my heart.

“You are the love of my life, the only person who will ever make me feel so complete. I’ve loved you in the past, I love you now, and I will love you until I can breathe no more.”

Tears flow like rivers down both of our faces as the love we share reflects in our eyes.

“I’m ready for this. I’m ready for you. I want to feel you, touch you, and be one with you.”

His face is tear-streaked as he brings both hands to cup either side of my face.

“I want you to be absolutely certain, no regrets. I don’t care how long it takes. I love you. I’ll wait forever if you need me to.” He cloaks me in a strong embrace and my lips brush past his cheek to reach his ear.

“I’m sure, James. I want you to be the first and last person to make love to me.”

Those muscular arms of his carry me to the bed, our locked eyes never faltering. His back bends to lay me down tenderly and my heart is racing. He’s always been such a gentleman.

Instead of joining me on the bed, he remains standing above me. Bringing his right hand to cup my face, he kneels in front of me and whispers, “Don’t be afraid, love. I would never do anything to hurt you.”

He drops his head to look at the floor but quickly raises it to look me in the eye, fresh tears threatening to fall.

“I’m no saint, Lil. I need you to know that this is not just sex to me. What I’ve done before won’t even come close. You will be the first person I’ve ever made love to and the only person I will ever make love to.”

And underneath the stars, so similar to the night he first uttered those three little words that changed my life, we became one. No longer are we Lily Evans and James Potter, but two lovers united.

A part of each other’s minds, bodies, and souls for eternity.

 

 

 


	5. Asking Too Much

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE  
Chapter 4: Asking Too Much

**_James’ POV_ **

**November 8, 1976  
Monday**

She takes my breath away.

She does it when she takes me places I never knew existed. She does it when she makes me feel things I’ve never felt before. She does it when she loves me greater than I’ve ever been loved by anyone before.

And last night, she took it away again.

Every touch of skin, every kiss on the lips, everything she did blew me away.

I never understood what people meant when they said there was a difference between sex and making love. Now, I understand entirely.

I’ve been with many girls, something I’m not proud of. But none of them—not one of them—could compare to the woman I held in my arms last night. None had the capability to make me feel this exalted.

Making love to Lily was the single most powerful, most passionate experience of my life.

And while I’m looking down at the angelic face resting on my bare chest, I realize the magnitude of the previous night.

Lily has always been hesitant to trust people, me in particular. Her virginity was something she cherished. It’s a gift that goes beyond a physical connection.

Last night, that gift was given to me.

If I had any lingering questions about the extent of her feelings for me, they were answered. She gave me everything she had and I know how truly challenging that was for her. Because there’s an underlying reason why she guarded that gift with a lock and key. A reason that very few know about.

A reason that makes my blood run cold when I think about it.

The same reason that almost led to the Marauders expulsion from Hogwarts and more than likely, me to Azkaban.

My hand gently brushes away the auburn hair from her eyes as she snuggles against my chest in her sleep, and I can feel the tears stinging my eyes and the words caged in my heart start to spill.

“I’m still trying to figure out what I did to be worthy of you, Lil,” I say as my fingers sketch her high cheekbones, “But I promise that you’ll always be my number one priority.”

I feel her stirring in my hold and when I look down, she’s staring straight at me.

“Thank you.” She smiles and pulls the sheet to cover her chest, allowing her bare back to show.

“I was nervous. Not because I thought you’d hurt me, I’m just new at this. But a good friend helped me through it.”

Bending down to kiss her shoulder, I mutter, “You were perfect. And who’s this good friend you speak of?”

“Sirius,” she replies in breathless anticipation when my lips graze the rim of her ear.

“I’ll be sure to thank him for that.”

“James, we have class in two hours.”

“Two hours,” I whisper, now assaulting her pulse point.

“Plenty of time.”

~*~

“Things went well last night, I take it?” Sirius asked and a smile immediately stretches over my face.

“The greatest night of my life, Padfoot. Greatest night of my life.”

I look around and see Lily talking to Remus at their table.

“Now that you mentioned it, I wanted to say thank you.”

“For what?”

“Lily told me that the two of you had a talk. I can’t put in words how much I appreciate you helping her. You know it’s been a hard road since...”

He shakes his head and follows my stare to Lily, the girl he refers to as his little sister.

“She knew what she was doing, I just told her the truth and helped her a little.”

“Yeah, well, thanks. It really means a lot to me that she has someone like you to be there for her when I can’t be.”

He smiles as Lily, Remus, and Peter walk over to us.

“No problem, Prongs.”

He gives me one last look before following Remus and Peter out the classroom. I'm behind waiting patiently for Lily as she assembles her books in her bag. When she turns, my elbow is extended for her to accept and I quickly adopt the air of a faux French gentleman.

“Are you ready, mademoiselle?”

“But of course,” She says confidently and links to her arm through mine.

People are grinning and greeting us warmly as we pass by; it's almost like we're celebrities. Lily, slightly embarrassed by the amount of attention, gives them all a friendly smile (albeit, forced) and draws a little closer to me.

Within minutes, we have fallen behind the three ahead of us, held back by the amount of traffic blocking our paths. I strain my neck to find the others and my eyes land on Sirius’.

Those hardened steel orbs are staring straight back at me.

His jaw is severely clenched and his body is rigid. Eventually, his head motions to the side for me to get a move on and join them.

Looking over at Lily, I see that she has stopped to talk to some girl from Ravenclaw. Gently, I make a gesture for her to follow me by tugging on her arm.

We finally catch up to the other three just before we enter the Great Hall and Sirius moves to my side.

“Nice to see you’ve joined us.”

Bewildered by the rapid change in his demeanor, I give him an odd look before turning to Lily and bending down next to her ear.

“Would you go check on Marlene? She and Sirius are still off and she’s looking a little down right now. We could invite her to sit with us, but I doubt she would accept. Just make sure she’s all right?”

Her expression is unreadable at first, but then she looks down the table at an isolated Marlene and nods. Leaning in to kiss my cheek, she says, “I’ll see you in a few minutes.” I can’t help but watch her every move protectively as she walks down to the end of the table and then finally face my friends.

No one speaks for a few minutes, the exception being the occasional conversation with a passing friend or a request to circulate the food.

When Peter asks me to pass the potatoes for the third time, I break.

“Are you all right?” I ask Sirius, who has his fork midway to his mouth. Upon hearing my question, he slowly lowers it down to his plate.

Obviously forcing a smile, he responds, “Yeah, I’m okay,” and lifts the fork again.

I’ve known Sirius since we were 11, therefore I can read him like a book. I can tell you that right now, he is anything but ‘okay’.

**November 9, 1976  
Tuesday**

I’m not sure who plagued my mind more last night as I feigned sleep: the woman I love or my troubled best friend.

My mind just won’t let it die. His attitude from yesterday bothers me. In the time that Sirius and I have known each other, I have never seen him like this.

I’ve never seen him look at _me_ like that.

“What’s on your mind?”

Lily’s small arms snake around my middle and she leans into my back. Revolving in her embrace, I hug her against me.

“Sirius. You didn’t happen to notice anything wrong with him yesterday, did you?”

She scrunches her forehead while trying to remember, then replies, “He seemed a little distant, but I didn’t really think anything of it.”

“I just…I have a feeling that something’s off.”

She nods and recedes a couple of inches to look at me.

“Go talk to him. And I mean _really_ talk to him, preferably when you’re alone.”

“I might just do that.”

“But really, James, don’t think on it too hard,” she tells me as she takes a seat in a chair and slings one leg over the other, “It’s probably nothing. Or maybe it has something to do with Marlene. I tried to talk to her yesterday, but she wasn’t saying much.”

I pull up a chair opposite her and lean back into the firm cushion.

“You’re probably right, as usual, but I’m still giving it a go. Couldn’t hurt to ask. So…you’re coming to practice, right?”

She leans forward in her chair and briefly covers my lips with hers.

“I’ll be there with bells on, baby.”

About forty-five minutes later, I’m crossing the vacant Gryffindor common room and up the boys’ staircase. Just as I’m about to open the door to the dorm that belongs to Sirius, Remus, and Peter, I note that it’s already ajar.

Edging closer to the door, I can make out two figures frantically exiting the bathroom, yelling at the top of their lungs.

“Oh. So you want me to be James, is that it?”

Marlene’s shaky voice speaks up.

“No, Sirius, I don’t want you to be James. However, every so often, I want you to give me what he gives to Lily. I want you to care about what goes on in my life. I want you to be here for me when I need your company the most. When people ask if you have a girlfriend, I want you to say my fucking name! And it would be nice if you would put me ahead of your Marauder persona, for once.”

Excluding Marlene’s muffled sobs, the room is perfectly silent.

“I want your love, Sirius. Is that asking too much of you?”

Sirius’ weak, stammering tongue penetrates the uncomfortable stillness.

“I can’t give you what I don’t have, Mar. It’s not there…I’m not sure it’s ever been. I thought you knew that.”

A sharp, hollow laugh echoes throughout the great room and down the dark staircase.

“You’re right. One hundred and ten percent correct about that, Sirius. I know your love isn’t there…but I know mine is. I’m hopelessly in love with you. I won’t even bother denying it. But that obviously doesn’t mean shit to you, does it?”

“Marlene-”

“Save it. I’m tired of competing with them. You know what’s funny? Before they got together, we were just fine. But now, every time you look at them, you want us to be like that. You want us to be perfect. I see it every time I look at **you**. You need to get it in your head that we are not them and we can’t live their relationship.”

The door is thrown back heatedly. I dodge it by a fraction and hide in the shadows of the nearest corner.

“I’ve watched it all happen like a movie in slow motion. Their relationship grew and ours died. I wanted to talk to you and try to breathe some life back into it, that’s why I pulled you aside. But now, it’s pretty clear to me that it’s impossible to fix something that doesn’t want to be fixed.

“Goodbye, Sirius, I wish you the best of luck. I honestly hope that one day, you’ll find your Lily.”

The door is slammed shut with a wave of Marlene’s wand and she jogs down the staircase, her fallen tears leaving an indistinct path behind her.

My mind is numb from what I’ve just overheard, but I’m jerked from my stupor when I hear glass shatter against the wall.

“Damn it!”

Running quickly into the room, I see Sirius hovering over a destroyed picture frame with his hands gripping his hair in frustration.

He grabs the trashcan and crouches down on one knee, carefully picking up the jagged shards. When he hears my shoes scuff against the rough floor, his eyes dart to mine.

“Would you like some help?”

He shifts from his position on the floor and stands erect, nervously shooting glances between my face and the floor.

“How much did you hear?”

“Enough,” my voice as soft and I know I sound as though I’m counseling a child, “Do you want to talk about it?”

He shakes his head vigorously and he turns his back to me.

“Sirius, I can help you—” I implore.

He whirls around on the spot, rage impressed on his every feature.

“And just how the _fuck_ do you plan on doing that, James? Huh? Do share with me this marvelous idea because I’d really like to know!”

In an attempt to calm him down, I take step forward and say, “I heard what Marlene said-”

“Don’t pay attention to her,” he interjects, returning to his former job of picking up the smashed glass.

“Please, just talk to me. We’ve always been able to talk about things. I know what you’re going through. I can help.”

This move only triggers his temper again. He picks up one of the larger pieces and hurls it toward the opposite wall, the sparkling glass raining down onto Remus’ nightstand.

“No, James, you can’t help me, and to say that you understand would be a lie. You and Lily have the perfect relationship, something I _really_ don’t want to hear about right now. So don’t throw me a pity party and try to tell me you know how I feel when you don’t have the first fucking _clue_.”

_Breathe James, breathe. Give him time, that’s all he needs._

I follow my own advice and take a deep breath before looking back at him.

“I got you. I’m leaving for lunch. If you’ve cooled down and want to talk any time, I’m more than willing to listen.”

I exit the dorm and follow the same path that Marlene had trudged not so long ago. My intentions were not only to leave Sirius alone in his thoughts, but also to sort out my own.

My mind is reeling as I run back to the head dorms and grab my broom.

What the hell was Marlene talking about?

Sirius is jealous of my relationship with Lily?

Their conversation plays in my head like words to a song as I set foot in the somewhat empty Great Hall and take a seat on the bench of the Gryffindor table.

Gradually, the crowd thickens. Dumbledore, accompanied by various professors, takes his seat and tranquilly folds his hands in his lap. He’s looking around through those half-moon spectacles of his, almost like he’s taking note of every student that comes through those doors.

Suddenly, those cobalt blue eyes find mine. He gives me a small smile and a wink, his comforting aura reminding me of my late grandfather.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see someone take a seat next to me and I feel the bench wobble as they modify their position. Instead of making an effort to discover who it is, I stare down at the few morsels of food on my plate.

“I’m sorry.”

Glancing at the person next to me, the one who has seemed more like a stranger than a sibling in recent days, I see him facing forward as he rambles on.

“I’ve never felt anything with Marlene. None of the renowned sparks, magic, nothing. From the start, our relationship was mostly based on the physical needs. And in time, I did come to love her. What’s not to love? She’s attractive, she’s sweet, she’s talented...she’s everything a man could want. And like I said, I do love her to some extent. I’m just not **_in_** love with her.”

I hear him take a deep breath and he looks at me for the first time since his arrival. Then he breaks his gaze once again, looking down at the polished wood of the table.

“You heard what she said up there. She told me that I want to mimic your relationship. And I guess, in a way, it’s true. I look at the two of you and I want that so bad. I want to share that kind of bond with someone. I want the girl’s face to light up every time when she sees me. When I hear the word ‘happy’, I want to see a picture of my relationship, not my best friend's. I want to be in love.”

I can see authenticity in his eyes as they bore into mine.

“But I’m not.”

“One day, you’ll have that, Padfoot. And when you do, you’ll realize that everything you’ve gone through just to find her is worth it. I know what you’re going through. I’ve had my heart broken to a certain degree, but it was always about comfort. But I know going through all of that led me to this point. It led me to Lily. And I think if I hadn’t endured all of that, I wouldn’t recognize how much she means to me.

And she’s right, you know. About you finding your Lily,” he looks at me sheepishly, “You’ll find her, I’m sure of it.”

His hand reaches out as a barking laugh escapes from his throat.

“So…we’re good now?”

Shaking his hand, I smile and nod.

“We’re good.”

~*~

**_Sirius’ POV_ **

**November 10, 1976  
Wednesday**

I’ve done a lot of stupid shit in my life. A **lot.**

Some things I sincerely regret. Others bounce off my conscience like rubber and glue.

I don’t have a single regret about running away from ‘home’.

I don’t have a single regret about setting fire to Lucius Malfoy’s precious hair back in third year.

But I do, surprisingly, regret not paying more attention in Potions. Dreadful class, really.

And I definitely regret some of the things I’ve said to Marlene, which is what consequently what led me to where I am now.

The entire time during Potions class, my eyes watched her every movement from the other side of the classroom. I didn’t want to look. I swear I didn’t.

I didn’t want her to know how much it bothered me, but I just couldn’t tear my eyes away.

What made things worse was that she never glanced back at me.

Not one bloody time.

After class ended, I was absentmindedly throwing materials in my bag when Slughorn called me up front and confronted me.

“Mr. Black, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you. Now I don’t know how I can break it to you any easier, but you’re failing this class. And as you undoubtedly know, this term is slowly coming to an end. Normally I wouldn’t do this for any other student, but since I am well acquainted with your family, I feel as though I should personally assign you the best tutor available.

I understand that Severus Snape and yourself have somewhat of a… _bleak_ history, but he is one of my brightest students and you would do well to learn from him.”

Which leads us to the present situation. I’m currently sitting at a table in the library opposite Snape, my biggest adversary, with only a quill and a sheet of parchment in front of me.

“Let’s get this over with. I have some things I have to take care of-”

“Black, I don’t want to be here any more than you do. I have no desire to speak to you about anything except what I’m assigned to do. So shut that hole in your face for a few minutes so we can get this over with as quickly as possible.”

“Of course you don’t. What would we have to talk about? Absolutely nothing because you know nothing about my life and I don’t give a damn to find out anything about yours.”

At first, he looks like he might let that slide. But good old Snivelly never lets me down.

“You think I know nothing about you, do you? I know more than you think. You seem to be forgetting the Whomping Willow incident. Your careless ways nearly cost your furry little friend dearly. Not to mention Potter risked his life to save me just so he could prevent your sorry arse from having blood on your hands. I know your secret and I could have you and your friends sent to Azkaban faster than you can wave your wand.

And do I even need to go into the history of your family? Touchy subject, I believe. And what about McKinnon--?”

I can feel the anger stir in my chest from that last remark. I may not be in love with Marlene, but he has no right to comment on our relationship…or what _was_ our relationship.

_He has no right_.

“Don’t you dare drag her name into this! Don’t even try to claim that you understand what happened between us. You may have the basics and blackmail material on me, but you have no idea about anything else. No…damn…idea. I highly recommend that you learn to keep your fucking mouth shut, Snivellus, or I’ll gladly shut it for you!”

Instead of acknowledging my rant, he plows on with one of his own.

“You’re the one who knows nothing about me. You’re the one who kicks me in the dirt and picks me up just so you can do it all over again. I’m your entertainment, am I? A marionette in your sick show? Enjoy it now. It won’t be this way forever. Because unlike you, I have a purpose in my life. Unlike you, I know what I’ll be doing when this year is over-”

“You know what? I’ve had it with your mouth. You’re doing everything but teaching me what I need to know so if you’re going to do it, get on with it. I’ve got better things to do then waste my time arguing with you and discussing a subject that I couldn’t give an ounce of Hippogriff shit about learning,” I interrupt.

His black eyes stare at me coldly for a few seconds before he takes my suggestion and stoops over his book.

“Did you pay attention long enough to hear what potion Slughorn was talking about today in class?” He asked as he flipped through the pages.

“No. If I did, do you think I’d be in here?” I scoff.

With a roll of his eyes, he begins reading the text aloud and breaking down the lesson.

I should be paying attention, I really should, but somehow my mind keeps drifting back to the whole situation between Marlene, myself and, inadvertently, James and Lily.

The harsh words we shared yesterday replay in my head and I can’t shake them.

_Marlene loves me. I don’t love her. She wishes that I were like James. I wish she were like Lily._

But of course, as she so willingly reminded me, we’re not.

Seeing that I am clearly distracted, Snape closes his book and groans. He begins to rummage through his large black book bag.

“Take this, it’ll do us both a favor. I don’t use it anymore and since you’re minute brain is incapable of listening, you need all the help you can get. I recommend you take it, acquire a potions kit, and practice a few of the easier potions before going for the complex mixtures.”

His pasty hands produce a thick black leather book that looks centuries old. Some parts of the leather are peeling off and the edges of the pages are tattered and stained due to time. Without hesitation, he jumps up, gathers all of his…whatever it is he lugs around in that bag, and hurries out of the classroom.

I pick it up by the cover and take a good look at the title on the exterior: _Basic Potions & Their Purposes_. Without a second thought, I open to the first page and scan the contents. My attention is immediately drawn to the annotations in the margins on several of the pages.

The small scribbles logged shorthand instructions for brewing potions, tweaks and alterations of the ingredients to achieve better effects, and a few spells that even I have never heard of before.

What’s he up to?

I browse through a few more pages of the book and they have similar details jotted down on every corner.

I’m about to close the book when something on one of the last pages catches my eye.

A set of initials is traced in a bold, elegant handwriting that’s so different from Snape’s usual chicken scratch.

The same initials that I’ve seen etched on my best friend’s paper since first year.

‘ **L.E.** ’

I wrack my brain in an attempt to find someone—anyone—with the same initials.

No such luck.

But why? He couldn’t…

No, it’s not possible.

He hates her. He insults her. He calls her a mudblood, by far one of the dirtiest words in the language of the wizarding world.

I remember a few years back when she defended him from our pranks, well before she even looked at James as anything but a ‘bullying toerag’. She once considered him to be a good friend, but that came to an end soon after the lake incident.

He would never…

Would he?

My, my, look how the tables have turned. It would appear that I know a lot more about Snivellus than he would ever want me to.

I grab the book and sprint out of the library (much to the chagrin of the librarian, what’s-her-face) and begin making my way down the hall. Unfortunately, during my haste, I didn’t see the person that stepped into my path.

We collided head-on, pausing for a few moments to recapture the wind that was knocked out of both of us.

After my breathing as returned to normal, I raise up and to check and see if the other person is all right.

When I do, I feel like I’m looking in a mirror.

The same shades of steel, black, and ivory that compose my appearance are sitting in front of me. I can imagine that even our expressions are similar. This uncanny resemblance could only belong to one other person.

**Regulus.**

The two of us stand simultaneously and I prepare myself for another war of the words, my third in less than two days time.

But he never opens his mouth.

His gaze is hard, penetrating, and somewhat unsettling, but there is no bitter exchange on his part. Instead, he slides right past me as though he never laid eyes on me at all.

For a second, I almost look back. Get one last look at my estranged little brother; I don't know when I'll ever get to do it again. I almost turn my head. I almost look over my shoulder.

_Almost_.

Just as I do with everything in my life, I move forward, leaving whatever is left behind me to become nothing more than a long lost memory.

But as I’ve grown to learn with time, some memories are impossible to forget.

Some memories will never fade away.

 


	6. Alone

**Disclaimer** : Not mine, yo.

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE  
**Chapter 5** : Alone

**_Marlene’s POV_ **

**November 10, 1976  
Wednesday**

When I was a little girl, my mother used to read me fairy tales about white knights and beautiful princesses. The knight would rescue the princess from the evil villain and all would live happily ever after, ‘the end’.

Just like a princess, I thought I’d found my prince.

The one who would save me from loneliness, would love me unconditionally, and the one I would spend my happily ever after with.

But fate is not that kind to me. In fact, it would be safe to say that I need rescuing from this so-called prince.

On the outer surface, he’s everything you could imagine and more.

When he asked me out during the summer before sixth year, I automatically refused. I knew of his reputation as the Hogwarts player.

I saw the multitude of girls with tears streaming down their faces after he broke it off with them. I didn’t want to fall to the same fate.

Only I did and now I’m falling the hardest out of all of the girls.

But being a prince doesn’t automatically make him perfect. Because while he’s charismatic, debonair, and far too handsome to be human, that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a dark side.

The dark side that no one else besides me (and maybe James, Remus, and Peter) gets the chance to see.

It’s the sick side of the fairy tale: the drunken nights, the fighting, the secrets, the multiple lies…the list is infinite. He’s all of those ugly things wrapped up in the most beautiful paper imaginable.

And maybe, just _maybe_ , that’s why I want to keep him.

Somewhere in my feeble little mind, a subtle voice whispers that I could change him. That I could make him become the prince I had envisioned from the start.

But the rest of my mind understands that this is a lie. It ignites a hope that dances and flickers before it finally fizzles out and I’m left with one understanding: I’m fighting a battle that I will never win.

So I’m finished.

I’m done.

I’ve had it with this…this **thing** , this fantasy world I’ve been living in for much too long.

Because every time I feel like I’ve surfaced, invisible forces push me back under and I tread water once again. It’s a never-ending cycle with Sirius Black.

What is it about him that lures me into his web? I wish I knew the answer.

Neither one of us are happy. I know I’m not and it’s written all over his striking face.

I’ve been burned time and time again. Used as his little plaything for his sick entertainment. He wants me to be the Lily to his James. But I’m not Lily, I’ll never be Lily, and he will _certainly_ never be remotely close to James.

For the six, approaching seven years that I’ve known her, Lily has been the closest I’ve come to having a best friend. I’ve told her _most_ of my deepest, darkest secrets and vice versa. I was the first to discover of her change of heart towards James. I was also the first she told when she eventually said yes.

Regardless of the fantastic relationship she and James have, I’ve never wanted that. I want to be loved, but I want it done in my own way. I don’t want to look at my friend’s love life and compare it to mine.

There is no comparison. There never could be.

I just want to know that he loves me.

There doesn’t have to be flashy cards, no everlasting roses…just genuine unadulterated love. What I want more than anything.

Something Sirius refuses to give me.

“Mar, what’s got you upset?” A mellow voice to my right interrupts my thoughts and I recognize it as Lily’s.

“Nothing.” I shrug, trying—and failing—to appear nonchalant.

“I know it isn’t just ‘nothing’ that has you this quiet. It’s the whole thing with Sirius, isn’t it? It bothers you that you two aren’t together or even speaking.”

_Yes. More than you’ll ever know._

“No, Lily, it doesn’t. He’s a jerk, a damn fraud, and I want nothing to do with anyone named Sirius Black anymore.”

“You don’t mean that.”

Without a second spared, I look her straight in the eye and retort through my clenched teeth.

“I do.”

And actually, a part of me does mean it. No matter how much I love him, it hurts immensely to know the feelings aren’t mutual.

It hurt so much when I heard a friend of his ask about a girlfriend, I was never mentioned.

It hurt so much when his cousin told me she had never once read about me in any of his letters, I didn’t want to believe it.

My sister and only living family member, Hannah, knows all about him. I told her about the day we became a legitimate item. I told her about the day I fell in love with him.

Now, I’ll be telling her about the day I decided to end it.

That realization hurts more than I could have ever imagined.

**_Lily’s POV_ **

**November 12, 1976  
Friday**

I’ve always hated the rain.

And since I was a child, I’ve hated storms. There’s something about them that’s so dark, ominous, and even depressing.

They bring back too many bad memories for me; vivid images of cruel hands colliding with skin at every clap of thunder, the earsplitting shouts of vile words and curses with every flash of lightening.

Each violent storm triggers another gruesome recollection.

I’m sitting in the solitude of the library and looking out the window. Herds of students scurry to the snug and dry confines of Hogwarts castle, hastily retreating from the relentless rain like it’s an epidemic.

Most of the time, that’s me. Always trying to flee from the rain.

But today is not one of those days. Today, I love the rain.

My dad used to hold me on his lap and tell me that to get to the rainbow, you must first withstand the storm.

So for today, I will put up with the gusts and torrents of the storm in order to get to my rainbow.

James.

Today was the last extremely busy day on my schedule until I get to indulge in peace and quiet. I’ve had my hands full with three strenuous exams, a Prefect meeting, and now I’m about to head off to James’ quidditch practice.

When everything is said and done, I will get to relax in his inviting arms tonight.

My gaze returns to the window and my content smile broadens considerably. A beautiful scale of color is emerging as the last few drops of rain fall to the earth.

My rainbow, indeed.

From this view, I can get a clear shot of the quidditch pitch and of the scarlet and gold clad Gryffindor players. Even from here, I can spot James. It’s like a sixth sense.

About fifteen minutes later, I climb the stands and take a seat about midways of the Gryffindor section. In the middle of the pitch, I see the team huddled together on the ground. I assume James is in the middle giving his usual speech to his fellow players and as it turns out, I am spot on.

The players jog toward the changing room and I follow, being especially careful so James doesn’t see me when I walk in behind him. His back is still facing me as he goes over a tricky play with his fellow Chaser, Dorcas Meadowes.

“Don’t you think your girlfriend will get jealous of you chatting with that cute Chaser?”

I can feel the corners of his mouth arch into a smirk and he decides to take part in the act.

“She doesn’t have to know. I’m not going to see her until later tonight."

My hands slide from their position over his eyes down to his firm chest, making sure he still can’t see me.

Lowering my voice until it hits my best seductive tone, which would’ve been a lot more convincing had I been capable of stifling my giggles, I whisper, “Well, if that’s the case, why don’t we go up to my place? I’m sure I’ll make you good company.”

“Sounds like a plan to me,” He says as he spins around and pulls me against his damp uniform, both of us laughing wildly.

“Don’t even bother trying that with me, young lady. I know your touch anywhere.”

He smirks and he supports his forehead against mine, our noses barely touching. Our lips make contact, sending that oh-so familiar jolt down my spine, when I notice someone walk up behind James.

Reluctantly, I pull away to greet James’ teammate, Thomas Hollinger.

“Hey Lily,” He says as I look up at him, “Sorry to interrupt, but I need to have a word with James about a play in a bit. If that’s okay, of course…”

“Not a problem. If my memory serves me correct, Alice had a little homework that she was struggling with. I suppose I should help her since I’m Head Girl and all. Just thought I’d drop by and visit with my baby.”

Thought my back is turned, I can feel a pair of eyes boring into me. James’ stare moves over my shoulder and I instantly know who’s arriving.

“So you only came by to see James, eh?”

Remus, Sirius, and Peter appear from my right side. Remus has an eyebrow quirked, awaiting my response.

“Of course she did,” James says haughtily as he grins at Remus.

“I figured it was only a matter of time before the three of you came down here. And no, I’m glad to see all of you.”

I never had a brother but I’d always wanted one, especially since my only sibling loathes the very thought of me.

Now I’ve been blessed with three.

My heart warms every time I see them laughing and joking and suddenly, the thought Petunia’s screams of “Freak!” don’t sadden me as much.

“I’m going to let you get freshened up, you smell something horrid,” I tease James and he chuckles, then I turn to Hollinger, “Sorry for the delay, I’m really heading off now.”

I leisurely walk over and wrap my arms around James’ waist, kissing his cheek (which is still a little frosty from practicing in the November weather) and moving my lips to his ear.

“See you later, baby. Maybe later we can play a few games of our own.”

“I think I could use another warm-up or two,” He chuckles as he pulls back and lovingly places a kiss on my lips.

As I approach the door of the room, I take one last glance over my shoulder and lock eyes with James, who shakes his head and grins.

“Lil!” He bellows, causing everyone in the room to stop what they’re doing and look at me.

“I love you.”

**November 15, 1976  
Monday**

Sun-drenched autumn days can be so deceptive.

You look outside and see the bright sun glaring back at you, seemingly emanating a lot of heat. What a disappointment it is to learn that the air is so cold, it feels like the more you inhale, the greater chance your lungs will freeze.

And that is exactly what it feels like as I walk from the owlry. I had sent a letter home to my mum giving her the recent updates on my life, which isn’t much.

My hands are tucked deep inside the pockets of my buttoned wool coat and the scarf around my neck is flapping in the light breeze. Once I set foot in the castle, I shed my sunglasses and knitted hat, letting the stray and messy ruby tresses to fall into my eyes.

As I make my way down a hallway that I thought was empty, I see James, Sirius, and Remus standing in the middle. No one else is around.

“What the hell is your problem, Sirius?”

The voice of an angry James stops me dead in my tracks and it’s as though I’ve been hit with the Impedimenta curse. My eyes are locked on the three boys settled a good distance away from me.

“Nothing, Prongs. I just think that we haven’t really got to hang out for a while. You know, just the four of us…”

James starts pacing in front of a closed classroom door, all the while shaking his head.

“You want me to blow off Lily so you can plan _pranks_?”

A stitch of dull pain surges through my heart when the knowledge hits home: they’re bickering about me.

“No,” Sirius says tightly as he glares at James, “I meant that you have been spending a lot of time with Lily and **we** hardly ever get to do anything anymore, Prongs. When we made the pact back in first year, we agreed to stick together, allowing nothing to deter our friendship. I’m asking you, as a vital part of the Marauders and my best friend, to put aside your relationship for the time being and act like a true Marauder again. Just like old times. At least for today.”

My head drops as Sirius’ words strike me hard. I had no idea that he felt like this.

I never realized the detrimental impact I had on their friendship.

But now I do.

“Remus,” James says as he turns to face a visibly baffled Remus.

“Keep me out of this. This is fully up to you, James.”

James takes a footstep back and resumes glaring at Sirius.

“If I don’t stick by her, people will have a field day with it. People will talk. You know how much she hates that. Not to mention…well, you remember as well as I do what happened last year…I couldn’t risk it. Not again, not after all of that. I can’t do that to her, Sirius. I won’t do that to her. I swore that I would protect her and I intend on keeping that promise.”

Compulsively, my feet carry me forward and I’m suddenly standing before three of the most important people in my life.

Finding a voice with strength that I never knew I had, I softly reason, “It’s all right.”

All three are taken aback, but James is the one to speak first.

“Lily…”

Once I see the anguish in James’ dim hazel eyes, my façade almost folds. By some miracle, I manage to hold myself together. I remind myself that this is even worse for him to shoulder.

It comes down to him choosing between the guys he regards as his brothers and the woman he loves.

He shouldn’t have to make that decision. And if I can help it, he won’t have to.

I try to push down the lump in my throat and maintain a strong voice, but I’m failing terribly.

“It’s okay, James. Sirius is right. You need to be with them today.”

James tries to speak, but Sirius is the one who cuts him off with his pleading.

“Lil-“

“No…no. You’re right, you guys need to spend some quality time together. I won’t get in your way.”

“That’s not what I meant,” His normally evasive gray eyes have melted into a softer disposition, begging me to recognize that he had not intended to hurt me.

“I know what you meant, Si, and I understand. Just try to keep the pranks mild, okay?”

My gaze returns to a stunned James and I fake a smile, using what little inner strength I can rally right now.

“Don’t look so down, you see me all the time. Just because you’re not going to be with me today doesn’t mean I’m not with you, “I tell him, placing my hand over his heart, “It’s just today, James. Everything will be okay.”

I can tell that he is reading my expression, searching for signs that invalidate my short speech. He knows that even though I’m smiling, something is tugging at my heartstrings now. But he also knows that once I make a decision, I stick to it 99 percent of the time, so he just nods and looks back to Sirius.

“Congratulations, it looks like you win. You get me all to yourself, just like you wanted.” He releases a scathing laugh.

Seconds later, Peter appears by their side. Sensing the obvious tension, he sends nervous glances between James and Sirius.

“What’s going on?” He asks, not bothering to hide his confusion.

“Not a thing, Pete.” I quickly retort, stuffing my hands into the shallow pockets of my plaid skirt and walking away, my eyes never returning to the group I left behind.

I can feel their eyes monitoring me the whole walk down the long strip of hallway and I make a solemn vow that I will not lose control.

But when I arrive at the Heads dorm and allow the portrait to swing shut behind me, the tears that I’ve been struggling with the entire walk here break free from my restraint.

My overwhelming emotions send me straight to the couch and I collapse, my head braced with my hands.

I know that to most people, it would look as if I’m acting childish. It’s only one day and it’s not like I won’t see him at all.

But what most people don’t understand is that without him, I feel so weak and afraid. It’s been that way since last year. I try to put on a strong front, but he can feel me tremble when we walk into Potions or near the dungeons. He knows a secret that I’ve told no one else about, a secret that I have no intentions of sharing with anyone else.

But that’s not what hurts the most.

What made my heart wrench was hearing the words spill from Sirius’ mouth because I know there’s truth in them.

I didn’t lie. I understand what Sirius was saying. In fact, I shared his sentiments once. When Alice started dating Frank and spending her Friday nights with him and not with me, I felt abandoned.

However, that connection doesn’t make it any easier.

I do, irrefutably, take James away from his friends when I’m in his presence.

I do, without a doubt, need to give him back the support from his brothers.

And today, I will do just that.

Today, I will attempt to push my fears aside and stroll down these daunting passages without James and they…

They will be the Marauders again.

And even though Alice and/or Marlene may be by my side, I will feel like the important part of me is gone.

I’ll walk through the swarm of people, see them wave and greet me like a close friend. I’ll hear them feeding me hollow compliments and asking foolish questions—all apart of the daily routine.

But inwardly, I’ll be alone.

** Next Chapter: **

‘ _He is her brother, her confidant. The only individual, other than myself, that she feels she can relate to and share her most private secrets with. She trusts him more than she does any of her girl friends. His words mean more to her than he will ever know._

_This morning, his words broke her heart._

_He directed them at me exclusively, but they were heard by her. And they hurt her._

_For that reason, they hurt me.’_


	7. For Her

**Disclaimer:** I think you know by now that J.K. Rowling does not equal hpobsessedrissa, but this is here just in case you don’t.

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE **  
Chapter 6** : For Her

**_James’ POV_ **

**November 15, 1976  
Monday**

You can hurt me all you want.

You can shout at me. Hex me. Punch me. Degrade me.

And I will turn the other cheek and pretend like it never happened.

But you can’t hurt her.

Because when it involves her, I refuse to turn the other cheek. I simply _can’t_ turn the other cheek.

She’s sitting and talking with Alice on the other side of the room, pretending everything’s fine, but I know that she is hurting.

In a few minutes, she will turn around and act like she’s giving the professor her full attention. She’ll copy down the notes from the board, raise her hand at every question, and press a smile on her lips when Slughorn rewards her intellect with well-earned praise.

She’ll try to restore the lost sparkle in her eyes and insist that everything’s going great. When she looks in my direction, she’ll try to hide the ache with all of her willpower.

But she won’t succeed.

Because I understand her mannerisms and I know what Sirius professed hurt her like hell.

And while the lack of my presence is enough to upset her, it hurts her even more to know how Sirius really feels. It’s the fact that he thinks she’s taking me away from the others that disturbs her.

The animosity secreted from Sirius’ words is stabbing at her heart like a butcher’s knife.

It’s killing her to think that he resents her. That she offends him. That he loves her any less.

Because really, she loves him more than her own flesh and blood, Petunia. Probably more than he, himself, would even dream of.

She doesn’t see him as the Slytherin reject or the Gryffindor playboy. She has no prejudice towards anyone, least of all Sirius. She understands and loves him in the face of his crude humor, insensitivity, and bigoted ancestors.

He is her brother, her confidant. The only individual, other than myself, that she feels she can completely relate to and share her most private secrets with. She trusts him more than she does any of her girl friends. His words mean more to her than he will ever know.

This morning, his words broke her heart.

He directed them at me exclusively, but they were heard by her. And they hurt her.

For that reason, they hurt me.

But for today, I will abide by her plea and do as Sirius desires. I will walk the halls without my better half by my side. Hogwarts will see what appears to be the bachelor form of the Marauders once again.

They’ll see a deficient James Potter.

Because everything I need will be walking in front of or trailing behind me instead of beside me where she belongs.

They’ll see a divided group of Marauders.

Because I can’t turn the other cheek to Sirius.

I refuse to turn the other cheek to Sirius.

“James.”

Lily’s angelic voice snaps me out of my reverie. She’s walking towards me and I soon realize that class has ended.

“Aren’t you supposed to be with the guys?”

There’s the phony smile.

And the aching, sparkle-free eyes.

I’ll give it one last try.

“Lil, are you sure this is what you want to do? All you have to do is say something…or just nod, even…and I’ll ditch this whole thing, spend the day with you, and Sirius can just learn to deal with it.”

Her mouth twitches into a small smile and she looks at me, making me feel like I’m more ill at ease about this than she is.

“James, you know how much I’d love to have you with me, but it’s just not the best thing to do right now. I love you Marauders, all four of you, and you need to spend time together. They’re your brothers. They were by your side before I was. Go, have fun with them.”

She displays another faux smile, attempting to put my appeals to rest. She’s forgotten how well I can see past it… and what I’m seeing now is crushing my heart.

“I’ll be okay, baby. I walked down those halls years before we got together. I think I can do it again.”

“I know you can. You can do anything you set your mind to. But that’s not what I’m worried about and you know it.”

Through her pleasant expression, I can see the anxiety building with each passing second. I can remember vividly what it was like walking down the halls with her last year and I know it replays in her mind.

It was so shocking—no, horrifying—to see such a strong woman cower from each set of lingering eyes, each menacing shadow. Just watching her react that way was enough to terrify me.

And today, I can honestly say that I’m just as terrified as she is.

She averts her eyes from mine, beginning to lose her composure. I know she doesn’t want to make this any harder for me.

“They’re waiting, James. You better go.”

And sure enough, when I glance at the door of the room, I see them patiently waiting. Without the slightest bit of hesitation, I pull her to me and hold her tight against my chest.

“Hold your head up. Don’t pay attention to anything they say. They have no clue how wonderful and important you are. And if they try anything, anything at all, come straight to me. I’ll be thinking about you and waiting for you tonight, okay? Everything’s going to be all right.”

I withdraw from her embrace and kiss her lips, nose, and forehead before I start backing away.

“I love you, Lil.”

I walk out the door with my best friends but I leave my heart behind me in that classroom.

“You okay, Prongs?”

Out of the corner of my left eye, I see Remus shrugging off his cloak and slinging it over his shoulder.

“I’m fine given what I just did.”

The words escaping my mouth are sharp and severe, probably a little more abrasive than I should’ve used with Remus. He wasn’t the one who hurt her.

“Lily’s a big girl, James. She’ll be okay,” His words are meant to soothe my nerves but they don’t even come close.

“Of course she’ll be okay, Remus. At least she’ll say she is. She’s used to hearing insults from people who think she shouldn’t be here and she’s taught herself to pretend like they don’t faze her. She’ll let everyone think she’s perfectly fine when it’s eating her alive. She loves you guys like brothers.

It may sting when a Slytherin says something to her, but it hurt her worse when she heard it from someone she loves.”

That evening, the four of us amble down the empty hall to assemble our final prank, invisibility cloak in hand and the Marauder’s Map in pocket.

Due to my extensive planning and mischief making with the boys, I have not seen Lily our last class together, which had been earlier in the afternoon.

I admit that it was fun spending time with the guys like we’ve done for so many years. It felt good to bond with them and laugh at Sirius’ crude jokes, Peter’s incoherent sentences, and Remus’ goody-two-shoes conscience.

But I miss her.

Because unlike them, I have found a reason that surpasses my need to be reckless; a reason that I spent five and a half long, insufferable years pursuing.

And now that I have that reason, I’ll be damned if I let it go.

I retain solace knowing that once this is all over, she will be back in my arms and I will be free to whisper sweet nothings in her ears all night.

“Hey Peter, double-check the map to make sure the coast is clear.” Sirius whispers.

Peter bows his head, his beady eyes giving the map a final once-over for good measure. They flicker from corner to corner of the map and he nods his head as though he’s making a mental checklist of where each professor is.

Then something is wrong.

He suddenly becomes rigid, eyes glued to the magical parchment. I notice that his hands have a strong grip on it, his white knuckles visible from the light of the torches.

“Pr-Prongs, I-I think you should see this.”

Tearing the map from his grasp, I begin searching for the reason behind his stuttering.

And what I find knocks the wind out of me.

**_Lily’s POV_ **

Curse Slughorn for asking me to assist him and curse my good conscience for agreeing. While it temporarily took my mind off of my miserable day, it put me in a part of the castle that I’ve never wanted to roam alone; the dungeons.

The cold draft flowing through the passageway is enough to make me tremble, but just being down here is enough to make the hair on the back of my neck stand on end.

Or maybe it’s not just the environment.

“My pretty little mudblood, how I’ve missed you.”

The sound of his silver-tongued voice slithers through the tunnels of my ears, rendering me motionless. I loathe any sound that comes from the heartless Slytherin tracking me.

I need to move. I need to get away.

But I can’t.

I can’t even find my voice to cast a spell or cry for help.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk. I was expecting better manners from the Head Girl. Not even a friendly ‘hello’?”

The words are _still_ stuck in my throat.

“What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue, Evans?”

I can’t see him, but I sense him stepping closer judging by the apprehensive shiver running up and down my spine.

And this time, it doesn’t take a storm to conjure those violent images.

He speaks and I feel the heat from the mark on the side of my face. He smirks and I feel the stinging from his teeth sinking into the flesh of my shoulder.

“Go away, Rosier. Please.”

His cruel laugh bounces off the walls and rings in my head. I feel like my world is crashing down on me.

When I finally turn around to face him, he was the epitome of cool, calm, and collected as he leans against the wall with a bored expression. Those merciless, icy blue eyes betrayed his face as they clearly held amusement at my expense.

Only when I look at his fingers and see them twirling a wand of the richest mahogany do I remember my own is tucked away deep in the folds of my robe.

_Stupid, stupid girl._

“Not so fast, sweetheart. Why the rush? I hardly get to see you anymore. We have some catching up to do since our last meeting.”

My feet finally obey my mind and I try to move ahead, but his thick fingers lock around my wrist, preventing my getaway. His hand is like a vise grip. Even in the dim light, I can see my circulation cutting off as I unsuccessfully pull at my captured arm.

“Let go of me!”

I expected another ruthless laugh and his grip on my hand to tighten if possible, but I got neither. In fact, it was quite the opposite.

I look back at him, wondering what miracle made him stop. His blank frosted eyes meet mine just before he falls to the ground, bringing me with him because my wrist is still caught in his hand.

Immediately, I wrench my sore hand from his and scurry as far away from him as possible. I want to get up. I need to. But right now, I just can’t do it.

I’m shaking, my breathing is shallow, and I’m on the verge of hyperventilating. Tears are streaming down my face uncontrollably but I can’t lift my hand to wipe them away.

I can’t move at all.

Those nightmares—the same nightmares from over a year ago that I was finally being able to put to rest—are coming back in a massive wave. The contact with that cold hand reawakens old nightmares and elicits new ones.

Someone lifts me from the floor, but I don’t look up.

At this point, I don’t think I can do much of anything.

**_James’ POV_ **

Never once in my life have I felt so many emotions flowing through my veins as I do now.

Each time Lily cries, ‘Let me go!’ as we stumble through the corridors, I feel helpless and susceptible.

Each time a tear rolls down her cheek, I want to wipe her tears, hold her, and tell her over and over again that it’s going to be all right…even if I’m not so sure, myself.

And each time she tries to wriggle free from my arms, I feel that familiar aspiration to murder the bastard responsible for making her so vulnerable and afraid.

“Look after her,” I whisper to Remus and Peter, but I’m focused on my girl who’s shivering on the velvet couch of the our private dorm.

“Of course.” Remus says and silently urges me to do what I have to do.

I run in my room to grab a blanket and a pillow (forgetting that I could easily summon or conjure one until after I enter the room). Just as I’m about to jog out of the door, I feel a hand seize my shoulder.

I spin around to find Sirius staring at me, his face revealing palpable signs of misery.

And guilt.

“Is Lily okay?” he inquires, his eyes steering clear of mine.

“Do you care?” I hiss as I make for the door again, but his hand prevents me once more.

“Of course I care. You know how important she is to me. Please, just tell me how she’s doing.”

I face him and shake my head.

“No, she’s not fine, if it’s anything to you. Not only is she shaken up by Rosier, but…you know this is ultimately your fault, right? Did I not tell you something like this would happen? And to make matters worse, she’s still upset about what you said this morning. You’re like a brother to her. She thought you would help protect her from pain, not be the cause of it.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt her,” he whispers and loosens his tie, “I didn’t know she would get so upset by not getting to be with you. I didn’t know this was going to happen.”

This time it’s not his hand but his words that stop me from walking out.

Anger stirs inside me and I fix him with a glare that I’ve never aimed at him before. It’s taking everything I have to rise above the overwhelming desire to hit the man- no, the boy- standing in front of me.

“Un-fucking-believable. You really don’t get it, do you? Do you honestly believe that’s it? She’s hurt because she thinks you resent her. She loves you and it kills her when she thinks that you might possibly love her less. It’s not just because she didn’t have me with her 24/7, she’s hurt because she thinks she might lose you!”

Sirius lowers his head in shame. From guilt, sorrow, and remorse. From a million emotions that are obviously plaguing his mind.

I don’t even bother to wait for his reply. His words are irrelevant to me at this time.

But as the saying goes, actions can speak louder than words.

My eyes bounce back and forth between Lily and Sirius the entire night, watching as she progressively calms her nerves and he battles with his personal demons.

And as the fire crackles and pops, I can’t help but feel my heart warm just a little as I watch Sirius stop by Lily, kiss her cheek, and whisper something in her ear that I cannot hear. Soon after, he follows Peter and Remus out of the portrait hole to get us food from the kitchens.

For the first time in what feels like an eternity, Lily smiles.

It’s a timid smile, but a smile nonetheless.

After they return twenty minutes later, he takes another mending step.

For a few minutes, we all sit in silence, carefully avoiding one another’s eyes as the seconds on the clock tick away.

“I know that no matter how many times I apologize, it won’t make up for everything that’s happened tonight. I just want you to know how sorry I am. I shouldn’t have said those things before. I knew how risky it was and I was so busy feeling sorry for myself that I took it out on you. I’ll try to not let it happen again.”

He laughs quietly at himself and looks away, buying enough time to collect himself, and glances back at us. His brow is creased, his hands are gripping his kneecaps, and his back is hunched.

He’s so nervous, so remorseful, but he’s trying to piece together a heart that he broke.

He gulps and utters a sentence that I’ve never heard him say before.

“Please forgive me.”

He leans forward and kisses Lily gently on the cheek for the second time tonight. He looks at me cautiously, unsure of what I might say. But I say nothing as he stands and walks over to the window, looking up at the half-moon and stealing fleeting looks at us.

Lily eases into my embrace and the ghost of a smile forms on her lips.

I know she has already forgiven him. She loves him too much to hold a grudge.

As I wrap my arms around her, pull her closer to me and softly whisper ‘I love you’ into her silky scarlet tresses, I watch Sirius.

I don’t know what’s going on with him, I don’t know why he has these mood swings, and I don’t know what it is about Lily and I that makes him so cynical. Or cross. Or whatever the hell it is that he’s feeling right now.

I know that despite all of that, he’s my best friend. He’s my brother. He’s the one that was there for me through thick and thin. And I know that deep down, he cares a lot for Lily and he doesn’t want to hurt her.

At the same time, I can’t help but think that I’m losing him. I feel like my brother is slowly but surely moving away from me and I don’t even know why or when it all began. And I’m confident that Lily is feeling this too.

Yet she has found it in her heart to forgive his indiscretions because she’s _that_ good of a human being.

So, for her, I will forgive him. I will.

But I won’t forget.

**Next Chapter** :

_I think that I’ve always been envious of him in some ways, but never to the point where it drove me mad. Look at him. The golden child, the prodigy, Mr. Charisma._

_The boy could charm the robe off of McGonagall if he really wanted to._

_He’s the complete package; the looks, the character, the knack to conquer anything that comes his way. Everything a man should be, he has it all._

_He’s my best friend. I know he’d do anything for me. He’s already done so much that I could never repay him for. So while I knew the envy has always existed, it has never consumed me._

_Not until now._

_Because when I look at him now, I’m scared that I do want to be him._

_I want everything he has. I want the effortless talent and the popularity._

_But above all, I want the love._


	8. Sick

**Disclaimer:** Not my characters. The end.

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE **  
Chapter 7** : Sick

_I'm so sick,_  
Infected with where I live  
Let me live without this  
Empty bliss,  
Selfishness  
I'm so sick…

**_Sirius’ POV_ **

**November 18, 1976  
Thursday**

Have you been at a place in your life when you feel like you’re a stranger in your own skin?

When you can look at your reflection in the mirror and not know the person staring back at you? When you do some soul-searching and come up with something you don’t comprehend?

Why you feel things you’ve never, ever felt and why you do things you previously wouldn’t dream of doing. Why you now want things that you’ve never wanted before and why you require things that had never struck you as necessities.

That’s where I find myself right now.

I don’t know who I am anymore.

Because right now, the person I am is not the person that I want to be.

I’ve found myself doing a lot of soul-searching in the past few weeks; predominantly since the day I broke my little sister’s heart. I’m trying so hard to understand what I’ve become.

And in the course of that searching, I’ve uncovered three distinct emotions that led to my downfall.

Envy, bitterness, and fear.

I think that I’ve always been envious of James in some ways, but never to the point where it drove me mad. Look at him; the golden child. The prodigy. Mr. Charisma.

The boy could charm the robes off of McGonagall if he really wanted to.

He’s the complete package; the looks, the character, the knack to conquer anything that comes his way. Everything a man should be, he has it all.

He’s my best friend. I know he’d do anything for me. He’s already done so much that I could never repay him for. I knew the envy has always existed, but I’ve never let it consume me.

Not until now.

Because when I look at him now, I’m scared that I want to be him. I want everything he has. I want the effortless talent and the prominence.

But above all, I want the love.

I want what he has with Lily but my heart won’t let me have that. I’ll never have that connection with someone, the magnetic force that pulls them together.

Passion. Romance. Love.

I’ll never get to have any of that because it belongs to them alone.

Maybe I do want to be James Potter. Maybe I want someone to touch my heart the way Lily has touched his. I want to love someone so much that I would be willing to move mountains for them. I want a love without end.

I covet James because he is complete and I’m not.

The jealousy leads to bitterness.

I’m bitter towards James because he has what I don’t.

I’m bitter towards Lily because she gives him what I can’t seem to find in any woman.

I’m bitter towards Marlene because she saw my envy and gave up on us.

But most of all, I’m bitter at myself because I’m not happy with my life. I won’t let myself be happy, I won’t allow myself to be the friend they deserve. I won’t allow myself to follow my heart because I’m too busy searching for a love that doesn’t exist.

I’m trying to find my Lily. There’s just one small problem: there is only one Lily. James’ Lily.

And now, that bitterness has led to fear.

I’m afraid that I’m losing myself.

I’m afraid that I’ll become what I’ve despised in my ancestors.

I’m afraid that I’m losing the only _real_ family I have in this world.

And I’m terrified of what this means for not only me, but also for Lily and James.

Deep beneath the surface, beyond my wild emotions and pretenses, I can see the Sirius that I want to be. The person that existed before the jealousy possessed me. The person who loved his best friend and little sister more than anything else in this world, even more so than his own flesh and blood. The same person who would —if given the chance—die before allowing the shortest hair on either of their heads to be harmed.

I’m scared because that person is slipping further and further away with each frenetic heartbeat.

Taking a deep breath, I run my hands over the lines of my face and lean back a little, propping myself against the bedpost. But that position doesn’t satisfy me either and I find myself on the edge of my bed, elbows resting on my knees.

I’m restless; I’ve tossed, turned, and tumbled during my wasted attempts at sleep. The shadowy bags under my eyes are solid proof of that.

I’ve been holed up in this godforsaken dorm like a hermit since the day following Lily’s confrontation with Evan Rosier, trying to focus on a book of charms so that I will be able to make my (future) motorcycle fly.

In other words, trying to distract myself from the profound feeling of guilt that is churning in my stomach.

It was completely my fault and no amount of repentance can clear my conscience.

Even while I’m stuck in my hide away in our dorm, the exciting news didn't miss my ears.

Just this morning, Lily received her acceptance letter into Healing school, the letter she’d been gnawing on her nails about for a while now. Every one was ecstatic for her, but of course her biggest enthusiast was James. I wanted to hug her and congratulate her for all of the dedicated years that have led up to this point.

But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t allow myself to jump in the crowd and become the invisible Sirius while everyone surrounded them, gushing about how brilliant she was and how James was incredibly fortunate to have her.

Even though she did deserve all of the limelight. After all, it was her accomplishment.

So permeated with acrimony and guilt that I didn’t even make an effort to walk over to her and tell her what my heart was longing to say. I didn’t disclose how proud I am of her to anyone, not even to the individual who deserved to hear it the most.

I bow my head, revolted by my own actions, and look at my rough hands that are clasped together in front of me. My contemptuous side is winning and it’s hurting the people closest to me.

It makes me sick to think about what I've done.

What I'm still doing.

The sound of the opening door interrupts my thoughts and Remus rapidly enters with a mountain of books in his arms, his girlfriend Mary following closely behind. Sweet girl from what I can tell, but she isn’t a ‘regular’ in our circle. She is a familiar face and she comes around often, but she knows so little about us.

“Sorry to bother you,” Remus says as he lethargically places the stack down on his trunk, lifts something off the top, and walks towards me. My eyes immediately zoom to the photograph in his hand and I chuckle.

Taking the picture from his grasp, my attention never leaves the laughing animated couple in the frame.

“I’m guessing that this was taken from earlier?” I ask as Remus conjures a chair and indolently leans his back against it. Mary does the same and I notice that one of her hands is clutching the latest edition of the _Daily Prophet_ , still rolled and tied by twine.

“Yeah, it just finished developing a second ago. One of those instant cameras obviously, but I’m sure there are more. I think Lily took a few with her muggle camera.”

I gaze down closely at the pair in the picture. Both are laughing and he’s spinning her around, a tremendous amount of love and happiness written on both of their faces.

“She’s glowing,” I mutter and both Mary and Remus smile.

“She was glowing. They both were. You would’ve thought they were announcing a pregnancy or something. James couldn’t take his eyes off of her. It was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”

I hand the picture back to Remus as he unrolls the newspaper and casually flips through the pages. We’re engulfed in silence for a few seconds before he stops fidgeting with the paper and gently lowers it to his lap (which Mary continues to read), his attention now solely on me.

“How come you didn’t say something to her this morning? Are things still tense between you and James?” He asks inquisitively and I evade his stare.

I shrug my shoulders and start to play with the raveling thread on my bed sheet.

“We’re talking but it’s not like it was. Besides, it was Lily’s time to shine and I didn’t want the problems between James and I to overshadow her happiness. Everyone seemed so excited, I didn’t want to ruin it.”

And deep down in the caged muscle pounding inside my chest, I believe that to be true. I didn’t want any harsh feelings between James and I to take that radiant smile off of her face. And that’s what I’ll tell everyone, all the while knowing that it’s only half of the real reason.

I’m sure Remus can sense that there’s more but he’s aware that it would be better not to discuss the subject in Mary’s presence, he just nods his head and looks down at the picture once again.

“Well, you missed quite a sight,” he laughs, “The two of them can certainly draw a mob. It’s hard not to watch them when they’re around each other, no matter how sickening the love fest can be at times.”

All three of us laugh before quickly falling into a hush again. A small smile is in the process of illuminating my face and mentally, I prepare my stomach for what I’m about to say.

“He's loved her from the start, you know. I remember boarding the train at the end of first year, back when they barely knew each other and before she started hated him. It was just the two of us; Remus hadn’t arrived yet. When he saw her walking to her compartment with her friends, he told me that he was going to marry her. He said she made his stomach ‘feel all tingly’. I, of course, laughed at him and said he’d probably forget about her over the summer. We see how that turned out.”

Mary smiles brightly, leans her head on Remus’ shoulder and hugs him closer to her, listening intently to my words at the same time.

“He loved her then and he loves her now. Even when they would lose contact over the breaks, when she claimed she hated him, or when they were dating other people, he never stopped. I never dreamt that she would ever come to love him in return. It seemed hopeless. But somehow, she did.”

Unexpectedly, Remus stands up and stretches his lanky limbs before announcing, “I’m headed for the shower. You can stay up here if you want, Mary. I won’t be long.”

As soon as the door shuts, Mary turns to me and whispers, “That’s so adorable. How did they get together?”

I can’t help but laugh at the absurdity of the whole circumstance; me—the spiteful Sirius Black—telling James and Lily’s love story.

“Well, like I said, he loved her from the beginning. She was something like a friend for the first couple of years, but with time, he became arrogant—he still is to a certain degree. But he always had the best intentions, giving her flowers and candy and stuff he thought she would like. For years, he treated her like every other girl he dated because he didn’t know how to express his feelings any differently. Then it dawned on him around the end of fifth year that he was going about it wrong and sometime during the summer before sixth year began, he changed.”

“How? I mean I’ve noticed a few small differences, but he seems like the same old James to me,” she declared curiously as she crisscrossed her legs.

“I guess in some ways, he is. He stopped harassing her every morning with the same old ‘Go out with me, Lily’ rubbish and acted more like a gentleman. And in a roundabout way, it also had something to do with the death of his cousin Erika. He was protective of her since he doesn’t have any sisters of his own. When she was killed in an assault, he was devastated. I believe it sort of changed his perception on life and made him realize that this isn’t fun and games anymore. At the start of sixth year, he set his pride aside and ultimately became Lily’s friend. I noticed, and so did Remus, that Lily started treating him differently and not just in a friendly way. It started out with the little flirtatious signs that gradually grew month after month. Laughing at his jokes, even the ones that weren’t all that funny…stealing glances at him from across the room when she thought no one was watching. And finally, around this time last year, she caved in. She saw what he had been seeing all along. And as the saying goes, the rest is history.”

“They were made for each other,” she whispers, her eyes glistening with tears, “It’s magnificent.”

She takes a moment to collect her emotions before looking at me, her cherry red lips turning upwards into a smile.

“What about you, Mr. Black? What’s your love story?”

A derisive laugh passes from my mouth and I contemplate the photograph I saw just minutes ago.

“Nonexistent.”

Mary gently covers my forearm with her small hand and brushes over it softly.

“You’ll have your own some day. And while you’re waiting for your own lady love to arrive, enjoy your best friend’s romance.”

That’s the whole dilemma. I enjoy their romance so much that I crave it.

Both of us jump at the sound of an opening door. Remus closes it gently and his eyes fall on Mary and I.

“Well, we need to get going. They’re having chicken potpie today and I’m willing to bet that Peter’s gobbled up half of it. Those poor house elves. Oh, and it almost slipped my mind,” he sifts through his pockets and pulls out a pale blue envelope, "James asked me to give this to you. I think it’s from Lily, but I can’t say for sure.”

My eyes rove over the envelope in his palm before seizing it.

“See you later, Sirius.”

His footsteps echo as he makes for the door and unintentionally slams it on his way out. My eyes remain focused on the small piece of paper in my hand.

Ever so gently, I open it and extract the matching pale blue parchment that is folded. I can recognize that parchment anywhere. Lily always leaves James and Marlene notes with the same shade and design as the one in my grasp.

Flopping back on the bed horizontally, I unfold the note and begin to read.

_Sirius,_

_I know things have been a little crazy lately… more than crazy, actually. I’m not sure what’s going on anymore. All I know is that for the past few days, I’ve felt like a huge part of my life has been missing without you in it. You’ve been by my side for nearly everything and I hate feeling like there’s a rift between us._

_I know you still feel guilty about what happened but please know that it’s not your fault. You didn’t make me go down to the dungeons and you didn’t provoke Evan Rosier. I don’t want you to be blaming yourself for something that was out of your hands and I definitely don’t want it to come between you and James. You two are like family and it tears me apart when I see you treating one another so impersonally._

_As you may very well know, I received some good news this morning. I was accepted! So, James is deciding to throw a little congratulations party for me in the Heads room tomorrow night (in spite of my protest) with just our closest friends and I’m really hoping that you’ll come. You’ve been up in that dorm for far too long and I need my big brother. Please, please give it some thought._

_I love you and miss you,_

_Lils_

Guilt starts to creep through my body as I reread the creased paper.

She’s my friend, my little sister. I should’ve been there hugging and laughing with her this morning, but I wasn’t.

Tossing the note aside on my bed, my head hits the cool pillow. As always, I begin my perpetual war with my conscience over my foolishness and forsaking of a dear friend.

Someone who is effectively a family member of mine, no matter the bloodlines. Members of said family are few and far between. And somehow, I’ve taken one for granted.

I gradually lift my head from my pillow when I hear the faint sound of my name being called. Looking over at the mirror lying face up on the table beside my bed, I warily pick it up and stare at the person on the other side.

“Hello, James.”

“Sirius.”

His face is stoic for a few seconds and my mind is swimming from thoughts about where this conversation will lead. And since I have been doing most of the avoiding, I should be the one to break the ice.

“So…what’s going on?”

He’s quiet, apparently studying me before he speaks again and attempting to disguise the emotion in his tone.

“Did you get Lily’s note?”

My eyes swing to the folded paper lying beside me on the bed and I nod.

“Yeah, I did.”

“Will you come?” He questions without prolonging this habit we’ve developed of beating around the bush.

Subconsciously, my hand travels to my temple and I massage the spot where the pain is slowly settling in.

“Prongs…”

“It would mean the world to her,” he interjects quickly before lowering his voice, “and to me, too.”

Seconds, minutes, hell, maybe even hours go by before either one of us speaks again. Getting a good look at that bloody note, I take in the neat mixture of print and cursive that is Lily’s handwriting.

With my eyes shut tightly, I muscle out the three words that are ricocheting within my hammering heart.

"I’ll be there."

Frozen grass crinkles rather noisily beneath my scuffed black boots as I make my way to the _almost_ abandoned quidditch pitch. Glancing upward, I see the figure I’ve been looking for flying around effortlessly.

Even though there is no cheering audience, he still performs all of the dives and loops as if he’s showing off for the world to see.

I’ve never understood his fascination with flying. Sure, it’s fun, but it’s not something I would drag my arse outside in freezing temperatures just to do for the hell of it.

He told me that flying helps him clear his mind of all disturbing thoughts. And true to his word, he flew a lot after Erika’s untimely death.

He flew after Lily rejected him for the 400th time a few short years ago.

He flew when his dad was critically injured during a brutal encounter with Voldemort’s most faithful Death Eaters. The Healers said he had a 50/50 shot at living through it (which he did after weeks of treatment).

He also claimed that flying faster than most people can think gave him the biggest adrenaline rush.

That was, of course, before Lily Evans became his steady girlfriend.

When I come to a stop directly below him, he’s blissfully oblivious to my company. There’s no use in calling for him; he’s lost in his own world of freefalls and high climbs.

And I’m Anxious. Sirius _fucking_ Black is anxious.

I’ve faced the cruelty of my prejudiced parents, the ridicule from my equally bigoted relatives, and the snide comments from my ignorant pansy of brother without even batting an eye.

But here I am, a bag of nerves because I have to meet with my best friend.

I’d never admit it to him to save my life, but I’m nervous as hell.

Because the young man I’m about to face is not the boy I’ve known for years. He’s not the same kid who, with my help, spiked the Slytherin tables’ pumpkin juice. He’s definitely not the same cocky boy who skives off lessons just to get pissed with me in the Three Broomsticks.

He can be extremely intimidating without even knowing it. He emanates such authority and might with just one look.

His transformation astonishes me.

Who knew the gaudy bespectacled prankster would become such an articulate and brave leader?

So naturally, I can’t help but feel a little uneasy about speaking with him. We haven’t spoken more than 10 words to one another after that evening that feels so long ago. Lily and I parted on good terms that night, but I know that she hasn’t forgotten anything about that day.

And I’m positive that James hasn’t, either.

Since that miserable day that feels so long ago, he’s talked to me on a few rare occasions. Mostly because he was put in circumstances where he had to, but I can still feel the stress all the same.

In the past, he’s reminded me a countless number of times that he could deal with someone hurting him, physically or otherwise, but he would move heaven and earth to protect Lily. I’m certain that this is no lie. She means everything to him.

To quote him, ‘she’s the only thing’.

His words have stuck with me since he spoke them just a little over a week ago.

_She’s his only thing._

And I’ll admit it scares me to think that James would walk away from everything for her.

He would walk away from the Marauders, his best friends since we were old enough to figure out what that term really meant.

And there would be no Marauders without James Potter. He is our rock, the pride and soul, the stabilizer of the group.

I glance around one final time to make sure we would have the field to ourselves if we did, indeed, talk.

I’m doing this for a good reason…I’m doing it for my little sister.

I’m doing this as an attempt to salvage the Sirius that I once knew.

"Thank you."

Those two sudden words surprise me and I turn to find him staring and toying with the ring dangling from his necklace.

“Thank you for deciding to go," he specifies as he takes a peek at me through his dark eyelashes, “She loves you and she thinks you’re avoiding her, but I beg to differ. You're avoiding me.”

I mean to shake my head as I open my mouth to clarify, only to have James speak first.

“There’s no need to go in detail. I don’t want an explanation, I’m just glad that you’re going to come. She’ll be so happy, man.”

I nod my head and watch as he flips the broom from side to side.

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking the past few days. Actually, I guess you could say months. But with everything that’s happened since Monday, it really started to hit me. I was so scared and angry when I saw him near her, touching her. I wanted to kill him, but I remembered... I want to do everything in my power to make sure that she’s safe and secure," he says but I keep my eyes trained to the rhythmic movements, my heart throbbing from envy with each word he speaks.

“Sirius.”

My head jerks as James’ voice rises and his penetrating stare sweeps over me.

“I want to be the one to see her beautiful smile every day, Padfoot. I want to make her happy for the rest of my life. And that’s why I’m going to ask her to marry me.”

The breath hitches in my throat as the weight of his words slam into me.

“I’m going to propose on our anniversary, the 20th, this Saturday. I know we’ve only been together for a year, but…God, it just feels so right. I want to call her my wife. I’ve dreamed about it since I was 11. I don’t care who approves and who doesn’t…or about the blood…or her parents…or anything. None of that matters anymore. It never did mattered to me, anyway. I just want to be with her.”

My eyes flutter shut and I turn away.

I’m happy for them. Really, I am. I’m delighted for him, for her, and for them as a couple.

However…

My mind is reeling.

_She’s his only thing._

_He’s going to propose._

The envy, the bitterness, and the fear attack both my mind and heart at full force like a feral beast.

_James is going to ask Lily to marry him._

But I can’t let that happen.

**A/N** : Lyrics belong to Flyleaf for the song "I'm So Sick".

 


	9. He Lied

**Disclaimer** : Not my characters, just my story.

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE **  
Chapter 8** **:** He Lied ****

**_Lily’s POV_ **

 

If there was ever a place I could call home, I think it would be Hogwarts.

Not just serving as my physical home, but emotional as well. 

I’ve learned that I don’t have to be huddled in that little muggle house on Spinner’s End to have a home. Because honestly, I feel more welcomed here than I do anywhere. All I need is to be surrounded by these people, this adopted family, to feel like my life is fulfilled. 

Five years ago, I never would’ve imagined referring to this place as my home. I was still so attached to my muggle life and resistant to immediate change that I pretended that this place didn’t influence me in the slightest.

How times have changed.  

Yes, five years ago—perhaps even four—I would’ve denied my attachment to this supernatural lifestyle.

But tonight, with James’ hand connected securely to mine, I feel more at home than ever before.

Whilst I watch my dearest friends chat, laugh, and dance, an immense sensation of belonging sweeps over my being. 

They’re not my immediate relatives, who are clueless about this party (and maybe even the letter in general), but they’re my Hogwarts family. They’ve held me up and encouraged me from day one. Each person in this room has shaped my life in some form or fashion. 

I can honestly say that if they weren’t here to back me up, I would’ve easily given into adversity. I would’ve allowed myself to believe the jeers and the taunts that told me I didn’t belong here. 

And truthfully, if it weren’t for the three guys standing on the opposite side of the room and the one by my side right now, I wouldn’t have made it past first year. It was James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter who took me under their wings and showed me that I was just as good as any pureblood. 

Even though they could be complete prats ninety percent of the time, they consoled me when I was homesick and they defended me when the Slytherins humiliated me. They were always there when no one else gave a damn about the tiny redheaded muggleborn girl who didn’t know the difference between a house elf and a goblin. 

This is not just a celebration for me, but also for the people standing in this room with me. I want to freeze time.

I want them to be apart of my life forever.

“I wouldn’t mind seeing that beautiful smile on your face all the time.”

James whispers into my ear, his breath tickling my neck and heightening my senses. His nose nuzzles my burning cheek and I can only reply with, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t you dare say you’re sorry. I love it when you smile…it makes me want to smile, too.”

His soft lips brush against my cheek as I laugh in contentment. That’s the only way I can describe my life right now, right at this very second.

Content. 

He tugs me further into the room with his strong hand, squeezing mine every so often. He affectionately weaves me through the crowd like a thread through the eye of a needle and finds the loveseat in the corner, pulling me into his embrace as he flops down onto it. 

“This is what perfection feels like,” My eyes travel the span of the room.

“This is the way it should feel like all the time, my love,” Was his only response and I let him lure me even closer to his warmth.

“It is. When I walked in here and saw all of these people who have been beside me through the years, knowing that each of them had something else they could be doing, something they gave up just to celebrate my acceptance, I was swept away. But in a good kind of swept away, you know? And it made tonight perfect, it made it feel whole.” 

A smile forms across James face and he leans into me, kissing the tip of my nose.

“And that—that look on your face, that feeling you have in your heart—is why I did this. Everyone in this room loves you, Lily,” he says under his breath so only I can hear and he quickly scans the small crowd, “They’re so proud of you. It may come off as such a lame excuse to throw a party, but I know how much that letter means to you. 

“You’ve been searching for acceptance since we stepped foot through those big double doors first year. And now you have it. You have something to show for your hard work. You can hold your head high because you _are_ a witch and a **damn** good one, at that. You’ve had to deal with so much discrimination and it’s so unfair. 

“But those people standing out there...they love you. They’re here because they want to be, because there’s no place else they’d rather be.”

His hand caresses mine and he brings it to his lips, placing a kiss on it, those inviting hazel eyes locked on mine the entire time. 

“I love you.”

“And I love you too, Lily-poo.”

I giggle as I hear a very different voice responding to my endearments. Looking up, I see Edgar Bones leaning against the wall with a roguish smirk on his face.

“Mr. Bones, care to join us?” I joke as I hold out my arm and make a theatrical gesture for him to sit in the chair next to the loveseat. He chuckles as he slides onto the cushion.

“You’re probably expecting some nasty comment from me about your letter and how they should be treating you instead of letting you work for them, but I don’t think I’ll do that,” I punch his shoulder playfully as all three of us guffaw boisterously, ad then his face sobers. 

“You, Miss Evans, deserve all of the rewards in the world.”

That short sentence caused my heart to warm in appreciation and I can’t help but beam right back at him.

“And the party is brilliant, might I add. But I must say, I’m horribly disappointed with one thing…I was expecting you to jump out of a cake in some sexy lingerie get-up while-”

I’m laughing riotously as James reaches around behind me and slaps Edgar on the arm, but Edgar only winks at me flirtatiously. 

“Oi! That’s my woman you’re talking about, Bones,” he shouts, really trying to appear mad but failing as his laughter breaks through as well. He might get jealous at times, but he knows Edgar is joking and trying his very best to press his buttons.

“Really, Lil, this is great,” Edgar says as he bends forward, kisses my cheek, and duplicates the words James was expressing to me not even five minutes ago, “We’re all so proud of you.”

On impulse, I fling my arms around his neck and give him a wholehearted hug. I’m not sure what it is about it, but when I heard those words from Edgar, it made it seem so real. It made it even more special because he’s not the type of person who can easily express his emotions, usually hiding all seriousness behind jokes and innuendos. But this time, I know those words were heartfelt and earnest, and it makes me feel good to know he was willing to lower his guard for me. I’m proud of him too.

We slowly release each other and he playfully taps my chin with his knuckles as he stands up.

“Thanks for coming, Ed. It means a lot to me,” I say as he turns to walk away.

“I wouldn’t have missed this for the world.”

As soon as Edgar is out of earshot, James presses his lips to my ear and I can feel him smiling.

“You’ve got every single one of them wrapped around your finger, don’t you? There’s not one guy in this room, single or otherwise, that isn’t mesmerized by you.”

“I tend to have that effect,” I chortle as he shakes his head.

“You sure do, milady. Are you sure you can fight them off while I make a break for the loo?” I nod my head and he stands up.

“Are you sure you’ll be all right? I can get Remus or Peter to stay with you until I return, if you want,” he states with a sincere concerned look in his beautiful hazel pools, all the while scanning the room and finding Remus a short distance away. 

This is just another thing I love about him. No matter where we are, he’s always looking out for me. When he’s around, I have no reason to be afraid; I trust him with my life.

“James, I’m sure I’ll be okay,” I reassure as those worried eyes bore into mine. I break the stare, however, when I see a familiar figure standing unaccompanied out of the corner of my eye. 

“Besides, I see someone I’d like to speak with.”

He turns his gaze in the direction I’m staring and nods.

“I’ll be right back,” he says as he places a gentle kiss on my lips and helps me up from my seat.

I watch James walk away and then turn my attention to the man across the room. As I make my way through the crowd, I can see that he is deep in thought.

“What’s going on in that head of yours, Sirius?” I deliver the question kindly and he is startled from my sudden appearance, but the makings of a grin broaden across his face.

“Ah…nothing you’d be interested in, Lily. Tonight is for you, anyhow.”

Smiling softly, I notice that the music has switched to a slower song and I incline my head to the to survey him.

“Would you like to dance?”

For a second, I think he’s going to refuse my request, but he places his drink on the nearest table and grabs my outstretched hand, leading me onto the small dance floor. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Marlene take a quick, impassive glimpse at us. 

I drape my arms around his neck and he does the same with my waist, but something feels off.

He’s tense. His muscles seem to be inflexible and he’s not relaxing as much as necessary in order to flow with the music.

I’ve danced with him so many times at other parties and the like, but he’s never done this. He’s never reacted this way. I usually feel more comfortable in his arms than with anyone else, excluding James of course. He’s always been my reliable friend. 

Just the thought that he is uncomfortable around me is unsettling.

“You look stunning tonight, Lil.”

Silence had gathered between us and his words surprise me. When I turn to stare in those cool gray eyes, I perceive a sentiment that I’m very familiar with right now.

Uncertainty. 

“Thanks. I’m really glad you came, you know. I’m glad everybody came, but I’m especially relieved that you did. I was afraid you wouldn’t show.”

He pulls me closer to his body and his chest presses against mine. My head is now turned, allowing him access to my ear and I feel his hot breath cascading over my cool skin. 

“Everyone here loves you.” 

I’m almost certain that he’s about to elaborate, but for some reason, he stops and we maintain our rocking to the soft melody. 

“So what did you and James talk about the other day down by the quidditch pitch?”

And just like that, the anxiety returns. 

“Huh?” 

Judging by his weak reply, he was clearly unprepared for my question and I can’t help but giggle at the flabbergasted look on his face.

“Let’s just say I don’t need some silly map to locate people. Windows have their purposes as well. And you two looked like you were having a deep discussion for quite some time.”

I lean back in his hold and try to make eye contact, but he immediately shifts his head and pulls me flush against him once more. His next words were so quiet that I had to strain to hear them over the music. 

“James and I…we were talking about you. How you’ve earned this and about how bloody remarkable you are.”

His voice is incredibly low for those final three words and for a split second, I’m not sure I heard correctly. But when they register in my mind, a strange feeling overcomes me. 

It’s the feeling you get when you recognize that the situation you’re in is wrong—very wrong—, but you’re not sure what you can do about it.  

I’ve had this feeling around a few guys before, but I’ve never felt it with Sirius. 

Never. 

And I’ve been on the receiving end of his compliments before, but it was something about the way he said it that alarmed me. 

As Sirius cradles me in his arms during the dance, my mind is trying so hard to figure out what’s happening and I feel so nauseous. 

For a moment, I thought he felt my discomfort. He was disentangling our arms and looking directly over my shoulder. 

Once I spin to see what he’s gaping at, I discover James standing right behind me with a dazzling smile on his face. 

And I can’t help feel a strong sense of relief.

“Can I have my girl back?” He folds his arms, that handsome grin still in place. Sirius laughs and bows like a proper gentleman. 

“But of course, she’s all yours.”

James pulls me to him, wrapping his arms comfortably around my waist. His fingers brush against the exposed skin of my back and I place my head on his shoulder, but my gaze falls on someone who held me in a similar manner just a minute ago.  

Sirius.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I’ve lost touch with him. I feel like the tide has swept in and pulled us apart, erasing our friendship like a heart drawn in the sand. 

By the time the festivities were over, the room was only semi-trashed (astonishingly), but it was nothing a little magic couldn’t solve. 

Sometime during the party, my old dorm mates (predominantly Alice) decided to have a little girl’s night in the dormitory and asked me if I wanted to attend for old time’s sake. 

Taking into consideration their promise of many mint chocolate ice cream tubs, it wasn’t long before I was sold. 

“So what are the plans for tomorrow?” I ask James as I rest my head on his chest and feel it steadily rise and fall. Just lying with him like this soothes me more than he could ever imagine. 

“Well, quidditch practice is the first thing on my agenda and as soon as that’s over, I’m going to get ready so we can celebrate our anniversary…in Hogsmeade. And before you give me this long-winded speech about how you loathe breaking the rules, I _promise_ that it will be worth it.”

An enormous smile illuminates James’ entire face and I know he can see the healthy combination of excitement and confusion on mine. He has been very mysterious about the details of his so-called plan. Usually, I can sneak out some information from him using my ‘methods of persuasion’, but this time, it’s different. He’s been extra tight-lipped and stingy with shared information. All he ever tells me is that it will be memorable.

“I can hardly wait, sweetheart.”

His passionate, yet tender gaze bores into me once again and I hear him exhale irregularly. 

“Tomorrow will be the most unforgettable day of your life.”

An instant smile develops on my features and I press a kiss to the skin peeking out above the neckline of his button down shirt. 

“I guess I’ve got to go now.”

“Yeah, go spend some time with the girls. You know…pillow fights, strip poker, whatever it is you birds do. And please, take plenty of pictures.” 

Smacking him lightheartedly on the arm, I detach myself from his clutches before I get sidetracked and abandon the other sleepover altogether. 

“I’m going to head down to the kitchens and grab a bite to eat, then I’m hitting the bed. I’ll be of no use to the team in the morning if I can’t hold my eyelids open. Are you sure you don’t want me to walk you?” 

Ah, my darling is so chivalrous. 

“I’ll be fine. The Gryffindor common is just a short distance from here. I’ll be all right.”

“Only if you’re certain. Any likelihood that I can change your mind?”

I shake my head and mime a ‘no’, unsuccessful at suppressing a smirk.  

“Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Goodnight. I love you. If you need anything, you know where to find me.”

“I love you too.”

He opens the portrait and slides out gracefully. I keep an eye on him as he disappears, watching as the gap between the door and the frame decreases before it closes completely. 

It still baffles me how much I miss him the minute that he’s away from me. He has been right by my side the whole night, but I feel like part of me is missing as soon as he’s out of my sight. 

With my bags in hand, I glance at the clock and head to the portrait hole so I can make for the girls’ dorm. As soon as the portrait swings open, I’m startled by what—or rather, who—I find on the other side.

“Sirius, you scared me.” My breathless voice manages to breathe out those short words and I place my hand over my pounding heart. 

“Sorry,” he whispers quietly as he stands at the door and looks at me.

"What brings you here? If you’re looking for James-” 

“No—no. Actually, I…I’d like to talk to you, if that’s okay. Do you have a minute or two?”

He’s hesitant, almost afraid. I’ve never seen Sirius Black afraid of anything.

“Certainly. The girls can wait a couple more minutes. Come on in.”

I retreat back into the room and allow him to enter, the portrait gently swinging shut behind him.

I watch as he walks in slowly and sits down on the couch.

“What brings you here this time of night? Or shall I say morning?” I ask casually and lean against the back of the couch, observing him as he smoothes out the wrinkles on his shirt. 

At first, we do nothing but stand in silence. 

Then his eyes collide with mine.

What I find there—or, to be more precise, what I _don’t_ find—shocks me to the core. 

Vacant. Those penetrating silver eyes are absolutely vacant of any emotion and bind me with trepidation. 

“You know I love you, Lily.”

Those random words render me speechless and I can only stare back at him, bemused and a little surprised. 

“I know, Sirius. I love you too.”

His eyes remained locked on mine for a few seconds before they return to his shirt. 

“You know how much I love my mates, too.”

I look at him warily as I nod my head.

“Of course, you’d give your life for them and they would do the same for you. What’s really wrong, Si?”

The words that come subsequently are ruthless and forthright, cutting me as though he aimed them right at my heart.

“You’re not a Marauder.”

The rate of my inhalation quickens I can feel it getting quicker as I stare at him, his eyes still downcast. 

“I know that…”

"They don’t," he yells, finally looking at me and motioning towards the portrait hole, “those people out there. They don’t know.”

He takes a deep breath as he stares at me intently, gathering his words.

“Over the past year, I’ve watched as we slowly faded out of James’ life and vice versa. We’ve been replaced by you.”

The pain in his eyes is so real and raw as he speaks. I find myself laboring to hold up the dam that prevents my tears from falling. And bit-by-bit, that dam is crumbling at my feet.

“Sirius…”

"You’re destroying our friendship, Lily. You’re taking away everything. Everything, everyone that I love," he whispers. 

The sound I’m hearing must be that of two hearts shattering. It has to be. 

There’s no other justification for this pain in my chest.  

“You know that’s the last thing I mean to do. Sirius, I would never seek to destroy your friendship, I know how much it means to you and how much it means to them. You’re my family. I love you and I would never do that.”

He nods his head as he runs a hand through his hair, black as coal.

“The thing is, you’re not doing it on purpose. I understand that, Lily. And that may be the worst part of it all. But you’re doing it nonetheless.”

He raises his eyes to mine and I see they’re smooth as glass from the tears brimming inside them.

“We both know that if it came down to a decision between you, me, Remus, and Peter, he would choose you. Always you.”

My heart is hammering against my chest, but his stance never wavers. 

“James would never turn his back on you guys.”

“Ask him about Rosier, Lily,” he intrudes sternly.

"What?" I ask skeptically as I stand crosswise from him.

“Ask him about the stint that happened last year, not Monday. Oh…that’s right, you don’t know about that night, do you? Ask him about the night he almost destroyed everything. The night Rosier tried to rape you.”

I breathe in quickly as his words hit me, my mind wandering back to a night I have tried desperately to forget. I can feel myself begin to shake as the memories come flooding back.

“W-What do you mean?” I whisper as my mind reiterates the experience over and over again.

The multitude of wounds that covered my body. 

The deep wall of depression that surrounded me for months afterward. 

The free-flowing tears that I thought would never come to an end.

Yes, I recollect it all too well. 

"When you and James started dating for what will officially be a year ago tomorrow, we never expected your relationship to almost destroy us. When he searched for you and he found you lying on the floor…when he saw the blood leaking from your mouth, your hair tangled and matted, and your uniform torn to shreds, he snapped. He just went mad. 

“And after he cleaned you up and left you that night, he went after Rosier. And he did, indeed, find him. It took all three of us—Remus, Peter, and myself—to pull James off. He kept yelling that he wanted to kill him. He would have if we hadn’t found him first. Rosier was just lying there, more battered and broken than even you had been, which was what James had intended to do. He wanted to break every bone in his body. He almost killed a boy with his bare hands because of you, Lily.”

My trembling hand instantly flies to my mouth and I turn my back to him. I didn’t know about this. 

James had never mentioned a word to me about it.

“Little did we know…he knew more than we could possibly even imagine,” he gives me a sad smile before he carries on, “The whole time, he was already calculating how he could use that secret plus his wounds from the beating against us. He knew what destruction he could cause for not only us, but James’ father as well.

“As you very well know by now, James’ dad is a well-to-do Ministry official. Anything and everything that happens in his life can make or break him. But Rosier’s father is too. One letter to him or one slip of the tongue to Dumbledore about anything could have severe consequences for James’ father. How would it look for a top Ministry official if his son was expelled for attempted murder?” 

I begin to move to the window as Sirius’ words burn into my memory. 

Words I’m sure I’ll never forget, ever. 

My heart aches from the knowledge that James kept this hidden from everyone, primarily me.

The one it all comes back to in the end. 

“We tried to obliviate his memory—specifically, _I_ tried to obliviate it. I was afraid that if James even thought about raising his wand, he would finish him off. But I was so distraught with the events of that night that I half-assed the spell, only doing very little to our benefit. Looking back on it, I realize that Remus should’ve done it. He was more composed at the time. We didn’t find that out until the next day how badly the spell went.

“Rosier’s banged up body was found by Slughorn hours later and he was still unconscious. He was taken to the hospital where he stayed for about a week to recover. We found it odd that during his total stay, he hadn’t spoken a word. Claimed he was beaten so badly that he couldn’t recall the perpetrator. At first, we thought he truly _had_ forgotten and the spell had worked. But then, after he was released, he came straight to us and he laid out everything. He remembered bits and pieces from the beating and when he saw the scars left on his body, he put two and two together.  

“We also think he knows about Remus’ condition,” I didn’t even have to ask what he meant by that; I’d put two and two together long before they chose to share the secret with me themselves, “…and exactly how he found out.” 

His eyes narrow as he looks at the wall, then back at me. 

“It could be our own paranoia. He might not have the slightest clue. But we can’t afford to risk it. We knew we couldn’t risk another memory charm, especially after the first one failed so badly. If anyone found out and the charm was reversed or traced back, we would be in even more hot water. So we did the only other thing that popped into our minds at that moment; we paid him off. 

“And we still pay him off. Each month, Evan Rosier receives galleons from James, Remus, and I to keep his mouth shut.”

The tears I’ve been fighting for so long are now flowing freely down my face and I struggle to wipe them away. I simply can’t believe what I’m hearing.

"We pay him because he tried to rape you."

My eyes fly to him quickly after he finishes that sentence and I see him cringe. He didn’t arrange for those words to come out the way they did. 

Or at least I _hope_ he didn’t.

"We pay him to be silent and not lay a finger on you, which he clearly did last Monday.”

"Why didn’t he tell me," I speak softly as my heart hunts for an answer to James’ ambiguity.

“Because he doesn’t want you to suffer. He knows how painful all of that was…still is, at times. He’s convinced that the truth would destroy you and he would rather break himself and our friendship than cause you any harm. Don’t you get it? **He loves you**. You’re his number one priority. He drops everything in a millisecond for you. _Everything_.”

I fall into the nearest chair and slouch against it, rubbing my sore and stinging eyes, and Sirius persists with this revelation.  

“It’s destroying us. No matter what’s going on in his life, he’ll run to your side whenever you need him or even when you don’t. He almost missed a full moon once because he was with you.”

_What?_

“He…what?”

“I said he almost missed a full moon because he was with you. I was out there by myself, trying to hold back…you know…and he was in here with you.”

I place my elbow on the edge of the chair and lay my head in my hand. We both sit quietly for a few minutes, each of us fighting desperately to avoid the others fierce looks.

“He told me it would be okay for a few minutes. He said you-”

“He lied.”

I feel like I’m being stabbed in the heart again and again as these new discoveries come to light. The blunt tone used by my friend when he uttered those two words seconds ago is painful, but it’s nothing compared to the ache of knowing that there’s truth behind them.

"I’m scared, Lil. I’m scared that I’m losing everything. I’m scared that I’m losing my sanity and my friends, the closest I’ve ever come to having a genuine family.”

He stops momentarily, takes a deep breath, before he moves his eyes to mine and I can’t move them away.

“Because of you.”

Dropping my head into my hands, I let the hot, salty tears trickle down my face and fall onto my lap. The scuffling of his boots against the burgundy rug is the only noise that is reaching my ears.   

I can’t look at him, the broken man standing just a short distance away. I can’t look at him because whether I want to own up to it or not, he’s right. 

I watch as he opens the portrait and steps out, turning to me before closing it. 

“Lily, you hold a key in your hand. You hold the fate of our friendship within your fingertips. 

“What will you do with it?”

 

 


	10. Goodbye

**Disclaimer:** What have I been telling you this whole time? If you still think these characters are mine, you clearly haven’t been paying close attention.

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE **  
Chapter 9** **:** Goodbye

_‘This was love at first sight, love everlasting:_  
a feeling unknown, unhoped for, unexpected –  
 in so far as it could be a matter of conscious awareness;  
 it took entire possession of him, and he understood,   
with joyous amazement,  
 that this was for life…’  
  
-Thomas Mann ****

**_James’ POV_ **

**November 20, 1976**

**Saturday**

_I can’t keep my eyes off of her._

_The redhead sitting just a few good strides away from me, her long, scarlet hair divided into two plaits that fall gracefully onto her shoulders. She’s been scribbling feverishly with her black-feathered quill for the past 20 minutes while she sits alone underneath the willow tree._

_I want to talk to her, hold her, kiss her so badly. But I told myself that I wouldn’t hassle her this year. This year, I would let the chips fall where they may._

_But that doesn’t mean I can’t watch as they fall._

_I am crouched behind a large thorny bush (almost large enough to conceal my tall frame, anyway), observing her through the intricate weave of small branches. She draws her knees to her chest, a gentle smile and a light pink hue creeping onto her face every now and then._

_Even for the young age of 15, she is the most attractive girl that I’ve ever seen. Sirius tells me that I should go out with girls who look like Marlene McKinnon, one of the girl’s best friends. He says, “She’s the best looking bird in the whole damn school.”_

_But Marlene doesn’t draw my attention._

_Truthfully, only her friend, the girl sitting beneath the shade tree, fascinates me._

_She doesn’t follow the crowd and she stands up for what she believes in, displaying her blazing temper when necessary (most of those times have been at me). She doesn’t wear those dark rings around her eyes like so many girls our age who try to seem ‘mature’. She’s just herself, wholesome and caring and so incredibly genuine._

_And I’ve never met anyone like her._

_From the corner of my eye, I can see a group coming closer and I can hear the giggles, but my focus is still on her. Suddenly, Sirius comes into view. Marlene is hot on his heels as he runs behind the willow tree where Lily is sitting, trying to hide from the young beauty. Lily instantly jerks the parchment securely against her, but it’s too late. Sirius has already spotted her guarded actions and the familiar glint of mischief is alive and kicking in his eyes._

_“Well, well, well…what do we have here?”_

_“It’s nothing, Sirius, go away,” she says as she shifts in her position, turning her back to him._

_But no protest will prevent my mischievous friend from finding out what’s on that parchment. He quietly sneaks up behind her and reaches his arm around, snatching the parchment and running across the lawn in my direction as a mortified Lily chases after him._

_“Please, don’t!” She shouts, begging him to return it to her._

_He unexpectedly takes a moment to pause and read whatever’s written on the pillaged article in his hand. I’m no longer hiding behind the bush and as he brings his cool gray eyes to mine, an impish smile begins to grow._

_“I got something I think you’d like to see, James.”_

_Sirius offers me the parchment and as I reach for it, I manage to look into Lily’s tear-filled eyes before she dashes away from us and makes for the castle. My eyes linger on her retreating figure before I look down at the parchment._

_The butterflies dance in my belly when I read her elegant cursive._

**_Lily Potter. Lily Evans-Potter. Lily Catharine Evans-Potter. Lily Catharine Potter._ **

**_Lily & James Potter._ ** __

_Different variations of her name combined with my surname are repeated from corner to corner in an assortment of shapes and sizes, but it’s our names nevertheless._

_When I finally lift my head, Sirius is no longer teasing. Instead, he motions toward the castle entrance. I hastily fold the parchment containing our names and stuff it into my pocket._

_I search anywhere and everywhere. In the classrooms, the common room, even the great hall, silently cursing myself for not thinking of the Marauders Map. I’m on the verge of quitting when I hear a weak sob from somewhere behind me. Looking around, I can make out the outline of someone huddled in a niche in the wall._

_And there she is._

_Her arms have pulled her knees up to her chest as tight as they’ll possibly go. Tears flow in two separate rivers down her flushed face._

_“Hey, Lily.”_

_Her swollen green eyes shoot to mine at the sound of my voice, not bothering to hide her surprise._

_"Leave me alone, James," She buries her face in her hands, trying to prevent me from seeing her cry._

_"Why?”_

_“You must hate me.”_

_“Lily, I-“_

_“Or you might even laugh at me. Go on, have a good laugh at foolish little Lily.”_

_I take a seat alongside her on the hard floor, giving her an adequate amount of breathing room so she can feel more at ease._

_“Lily, I’m not going to do either of those things.”_

_She shirks my stare and shakes her head, sending her plaits flying from the shuffle._

_“Why wouldn’t you? You have every right. You’ve liked me for so long and I was absolutely horrid to you, and now you know how I feel about you and we’re supposed to be friends and you’ve made it pretty obvious that you’re over me and-“_

_I place a finger over her plump, cherry lips to hush her so I can get to the point._

_“What makes you think that?”_

_Those beautiful eyes that glisten with so much dejection and dread meet mine at last._

_“You haven’t asked me out all year and you don’t stare at me in class anymore. You grew up and now you’re over me. You probably realized how dull I am .I don’t blame you for moving on, I really don’t.”_

_Like a dagger in my heart, he words cut right through me. It’s clear that she’s been listening to the wrong people._

_And this time, I can’t resist the urge to take her by the hand_

_Suddenly, I grab her hand and pull it to me._

_“Let me tell you a few secrets. Yes, I’ve grown up. Yes, I’ve stopped asking you out. Yes, I’ve stopped staring at you frequently._

_“But no, you’ve never been ‘dull’ to me. No, I’ve never moved on. And no, regardless of what you think or what people have told you, I’m far from being over you. I don’t think I can get over you. And I don’t think I want to.”_

_Her wide eyes stare into mine and I can tell that she’s torn, she’s not sure if she should trust me. I can’t think of anything to say that will reassure her, so I lean forward and brush my lips against hers. Nothing intimate, just a sweet small amount of contact._

_But my lips are on fire; they have to be from the spark that passed between us._

_I reluctantly pull away and take in her satisfied smile and rosy cheeks. A smile graces my face as well and I sling an arm around her shoulders, effectively pulling her to me._

_“Lily Potter…” The syllables roll off my tongue as I pronounce them quietly, “Do you like that name?”_

_With a giggle, she tilts her head back and looks up at me with her doe eyes._

_“I do.”_

I fiddle with the small item in my hand, a memory from roughly one year ago streaming through my mind. 

A memory that I will never, ever fail to remember for as long as my mentality lingers.

“I like it, too.”  

I examine the tiny loop as it shimmers and twirls around the tip of my pinky finger, thinking about the owner of the hand that will be donning it for life. 

The woman who has held each and every one of my senses captive since day one. The woman who I can see giving birth to my children. 

The woman I want to share the rest of my life with.

A silver halo surrounded by diamonds; the halo that holds sway over my all of my dreams and wishes.  

Beautiful, sophisticated, and rare…just like the woman for whom it was designed. 

Undeniably gorgeous. 

Merlin only knows how long I’ve wanted this, dreamt of it. Waking up every the day with my arms wrapped firmly around her and ending it in the same way.

She made me a better person from her constant rejections. She, along with a few other obstacles in my life, made me realize that if I wanted to become a man, I needed to start acting like one. And when she did finally say yes, she filled a hole in my heart that I never knew existed. 

Two hours later, I’m strolling into the Gryffindor common room with my broom in hand, remembering the trick staircase that leads to the girls’ dorm. Patting the pocket of coat my once more, just to be certain that I have everything to make this night perfect. 

I’m preparing to take flight when a feminine voice catches my attention. 

A voice I haven’t heard in quite some time.

Marlene’s.  

“Hey James, is practice over?” She asks as she walks over to me, the corners of her mouth twitching.

“Yeah, now I’m looking for my girl. Is she in your dorm?”

She smiles slightly and nods.

“I don’t even want to know what kind of plans you made tonight, but I can tell by that look on your face that it’s going to be big But yeah, she’s up there.” 

I’m about to take flight when Marlene’s voice stops me once again. 

“Uh, James, have you got to talk to her anytime today?” Successive to her question, an apprehensive look sweeps over her face.

My eyes narrow in thought before I shake my head, “No, I haven’t talked to her since she left for your dorm last night. Why, is something wrong?”

She shrugs and tosses me a nervous smile.  

“It’s most likely nothing. She’s just been a little moody, keeping to herself. She was really quiet last night and I thought maybe you knew why. My guess is that the pressure of being Head Girl is catching up with her. I’m sure they’ve kept you both busy.”

“Yeah, maybe that’s it.”

But as I hop onto my broom and veer up the staircase, my intuition tells me that we’re both mistaken. 

My intuition tells me that something is very wrong.  

I come to a stop just outside the door that I know belongs to Marlene and Alice and I pause, waiting to hear the sound of a giggling fit between Lily and Alice or her voice singing loud and off-key to one of her favorite muggle songs. 

But I hear none of that. I hear nothing at all.     

_Calm down. You’re going to take her out, show her the time of her life, and propose. Everything will be fine._

My clammy hand slides onto the door handle and I twist it to the right. My nerves are getting the best of me. __

Everything will be fine…

I take a look around and notice that torches aren’t lit and the lamps aren’t glowing. The only light is coming from the partly cloudy sky peeking through the windows, bathing the room in a blindingly white glow. 

And on one side of the room, sitting in a fetal position by one of the windows, is Lily. 

She’s perfectly still, almost like a sculpture in a museum. Even from my position by the door, I can see that her eyes are puffy and bloodshot. She surveys the mountain in the distance, her eyes never breaking away to look at the intruder of her haven. 

No movement at all.

The knot in my stomach clenches. 

_Everything will be fine…_

But I know it won’t.

Because this isn’t just about a sixth sense anymore, it’s about what I’m seeing. 

This isn’t the girl I left standing in our common room last night. This isn’t the girl who told me that she’d be all right. 

This isn’t the Lily that I know and love. 

I’m standing just a few feet away from her now, but it’s as though I’ve never entered the room at all. And for the first time, I see what’s lying in her lap: a framed sepia photograph of us, dancing and twirling about in the wind. We’re both laughing and joking and looking so ideal, such a mighty contrast with the tension between us right now.  

“Hey, why the long face?” 

She doesn’t say anything, her eyes never parting from the view. 

Pulling up the nearest chair, I place my hand on her shoulder and knead it tenderly with my fingers. 

Even now, she doesn’t stir.

We remain this way for a few minutes. Sitting quietly while I try desperately to interpret what is wrong. 

I can’t stand seeing her upset, and I really can’t stand it when I don’t even know what put her in this state. I hate not knowing what thoughts, good or bad, are twisting and turning in her head. Especially when they cause her to isolate herself like this. 

But that sick, boiling feeling has returned. Whatever the predicament is, it’s had a tremendous emotional impact. 

And finally after so long, she speaks.

Her voice is gruff and she swallows, never flinching a muscle as she finally speaks.  

“The night of the full moon…was Sirius really able to hold off Remus on his own, just like you told me?”

My mind scrambles, trying to make sense of what she’s saying. 

“What?”

“The last full moon? When you were helping me?”

Sucking in a great breath of air, I look down at the hand that was once being used in an attempt to stroke the stress out of her. I know what night she’s referring to now. 

“He was able to for a little while, but no. I play a big part in defending him. But he’s fast, he’s able to run away and distract him. You needed me. You had a report due the next day. It didn’t take that long to finish and he seemed fine with it.”

And yet again, I’m met with stillness. Her eyes do not leave the window. She doesn’t even bat an eyelash.  

Three minutes elapse.

Five and a half minutes.

Eight minutes. 

Twelve minutes and nineteen seconds.

Not a word, not a sound, not an improvement.

Nothing at all.

I’ve been fidgeting in my seat for the better part of my time in here, but my gaze is trained on her. Her behavior screams of indifference. 

I don’t even recognize the person sitting perpendicular to me. The woman I love is animated and clever and joyful, not this angst-ridden girl that I’m seeing now. 

Then she speaks the words that I’d hoped she’s never say. I’d moved heaven and earth to guarantee that she would never have to speak them, that she would never have to wonder. 

“What about Rosier?”

“Lily…”

And then the eyes are directly on mine. Those bright green eyes that are normally shining with love for me now hold so much doubt. 

“Please, just tell me it isn’t true. Tell me it’s all a lie and I’ll believe you, I swear.”

I want to lie so badly…I want to be able to look straight into her eyes and say I didn’t. I want to spare her heart. And mine. 

But I can’t. For one, I can’t do that to her. I can’t lie to her face. And two, even if I could, I know she’ll see right through me. She knows me better than anyone. I’ve kept this hidden for far too long. 

“I was protecting you-”

“Why weren’t you protecting yourself? The guys? Your father?”

“My father? What the hell do we have to do with my father? And I said to hell with the Marauder lifestyle a long time ago. You mean so much more to me…”

“Will you just listen to yourself? They’re your best friends and family, James, your family! You have such a history together; you can’t just say that and pretend they don’t matter. You’ve got to stop doing this. You can’t keep pushing every other aspect of your life aside for me. And as much as I’d like for you to be with me 24/7, I can’t let you do it.”

"Lil," I plead as I seize her hands and hold them to my torso.

“I won’t let you do it.”

An onslaught of tears erupts from her eyes and I yank the chair away, kneeling on both knees directly in front of her.

“Don’t say that. I love you! Don’t you see that? I did it for you. I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. Rosier deserved it.”

She looks away from me as tears start to fall down her face.

“Your friends don’t deserve it, though. Sirius shouldn’t have to pay. Remus-”

“Remus would have suffered anyway depending on if he does in fact know our secret. But money talks, Lil. And what about you? Did you think I was going to pretend that what I saw didn’t bother me? For the love of Merlin, there was so much blood…”  

“I remember that night very well, thank you, and I don’t need a recap! But it wasn’t your place, James! You had— **have** —too much riding on your shoulders and you shouldn’t have risked it. I could’ve handled it myself.”

I rise to my feet, my mind overflowing with so many suppositions and fear spreading through my veins like a wildfire. 

What made this happen? When I saw her last night, she was fine. We were fine. 

What could’ve possibly caused _this_?

“Really? You think you could’ve handled it,” I jeer, “You would’ve handled it alright, just like you handled it when he attacked you.”

I instantly regret those words upon facing the loathsome glare that she’s thrown my way. Her hands swiftly wrench away from mine and she stands, keeping her back to me. 

“Leave.”

I can’t draw a breath. I can’t move. I can’t feel my own heart beating.

I’m certain it stopped functioning after that lone order. 

She doesn’t mean what she’s saying.  

She can’t.

“Lily…”

She rushes across the room and jerks the door open, gesturing for me to walk through it. 

“Go, James. You’re only going to make this even more complicated.”

Virtually running over to her, I grab her arms and command her to look at me.

“Tell me where I went wrong? All I’ve ever done was love and protect you. What did I do? Just listen to me! I know you don’t want to do this, not really.”

She shakes her head as tears slide uncontrollably down her face.

“Leave!”

I stagger as she shoves me with all of her power, but I move back to her without a second thought and hold her against me.

“I’m so sorry, Lil. I’m so sorry, I should’ve told you everything. I should’ve been straightforward from the start. If I could go back in time, I would tell you. I love you so much.”

For a second—only a fleeting second—she unwinds at my touch, but then she’s right back to fighting me all over again. Her small hands grip the material of my shirt and force me to release her. 

“Go away,” her voice is hoarse and she’s trembling from an indistinct emotion.  

I’m about to protest once more, but I’m cut short at the sound of voices coming closer. 

“I can’t _believe_ you know how to do that-”

A giggling, red-faced Alice and her boyfriend, Frank Longbottom, stumble through the door. The jubilant smiles on their face quickly vanish as they observe the situation.

“We’re through. I want you to leave.”

A small voice next to me whispers those words and I freeze. 

She turns to Alice and gives her a long look that seemingly speaks a thousand words. Alice then moves toward me, her expression wrought with compassion.

“I think you should do what she says, James.”

I’m caught between eyeballing Lily and Alice when I feel a hand on my shoulder, gradually leading me en route for the door. 

“Frank, let me go,” I shake the hand off and glower at him, someone I consider a dear friend. I would’ve never pictured myself roaring at this man like I did just now, not in a million years. 

But he does not make a scene. Instead, he looks at me with utmost benevolence. 

“It would be a good idea if you listen to her, give her space. It’s obvious she needs to think about something and you’re not accomplishing anything by hanging around. Do yourself a favor and just let it be.”

Paying no heed to his wise sermon, I aim to make my way to her again, but Alice blocks my path. 

My height is considerably greater than Alice’s, so I’m able to look over her head with ease. And if my heart hasn’t splintered by now, it certainly does when I see Lily’s slumped posture and tear-stained face. 

“Lily…please…” 

I give one last plea and behold her grave countenance. 

“Goodbye, James.”

Those words, those two, quick words, sink in and I squeeze my eyes shut. 

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I just can’t believe it.

Frank’s hand locks onto my bicep again, jarring me from me back to this cruel reality. When I slowly open my lids, her dark green collides with my hazel. 

I’m a sailboat being tossed about at sea, a massive wave of emotion thrashing me with such ferocity and I’m drowning in the undercurrent. Everything that’s been buried during our entire conversation (if you can call it that) comes to light and pulls me overboard.

Misery. Resolve. Shame.

All if it has been exposed.

There’s nothing left to say, no words that can heal what’s been broken. 

I glance at the dismayed faces of Alice and Frank and dig into my coat pocket, extract the black velvet box, and hurriedly wipe the tears that are seeping from the corners of my eyes. 

_The halo that holds sway over my all of my dreams and wishes._

_The woman I want to share the rest of my life with._

“Happy anniversary, Lily.”

Hurling the box at her feet, I walk away, willing myself to not look back at what might have been.

A white dress. A black tux. Wedding vows. A pair of ‘I do’s’ sealed with a kiss.   

The vision I’ve held for so long has slipped through my fingertips.   


	11. One Fell Swoop

**Disclaimer:** Read the first few pages if you don’t know by now.

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE **  
Chapter 10** **:** One Fell Swoop ****

**_Lily’s POV_ ** __

**November 20, 1977  
Saturday**

It’s astonishing—the destruction caused by words, the sentiments they can evoke. 

I love you. I hate you. 

Stay with me forever. Leave me alone.

And it took just two words to annihilate the best thing that’s ever happened to me. It took two simple words to throw away my dreams, his plans, and our love. 

“Goodbye, James.”

Two concise words that speak volumes.

But those two words will save the most dedicated group of friends that I have ever known. 

And those eyes, those beautiful hazel eyes that enchant me every time I look into them, show the product of my words. 

I don’t have to see the tears; he doesn’t have to say anything.  

All I have to do is look into his eyes and I instantly know what I’ve just done. 

I’m breaking so much more than our relationship. I’m breaking his heart.

James is so remarkable and powerful, and for him to suddenly become so susceptible and helpless is inconceivable. I don’t think I’ve ever seen this side of him. 

And all I can do is watch as the tears fall without restraint. Listen to his unspoken pleas for me to spare him from this hell. 

I’m fully aware of his thoughts, for they are also in my mind.

_She isn’t doing this. She isn’t saying this._

_She’s not really going to throw it all away. The years I devoted to her, the change I went through to deserve her. She’s not giving up after a_ year _; she’s not._

_This is not happening._

But it is. 

And I am. 

Those words did come from my mouth. I am throwing it all away. I am letting the only person I’ve ever loved go. 

And right now, I’d give anything if I could jump into his arms and softly whisper how daft I was for even thinking of such things. Remind him how much I love him over and over again. 

Let him hold me and while I listen to the rhythm of his heart as it drums in his chest, knowing that it beats just for me. 

I want to hear the rumbling of his deep voice. Feel the warmth of his touch. Breathe in the scent that could only belong to him.

I want all of those things, but I can’t have them.

My head is turned, but I know he’s staring at me. I can feel the heat of it bearing down on my back. 

Begging. 

Slowly breaking me just as I broke to him a moment ago.  

But I’m not moving. I’m not making a sound. 

When I take a sidelong glimpse at him, I see him delve into his coat pocket, but my eyes don’t move from his face. With his free hand, he wipes the tears that have managed to escape.

“Happy anniversary, Lily.”

The item in his hand is forcefully launched and it lands on the ground with a low ‘thud’. He then departs from the room with a little help from Frank, never looking back.

No peek over the shoulder, no final farewell. 

The whole time, my feet are glued to the floor and I’m staring at the spot he vacated just seconds before. 

As soon as the fabric of his coat disappears around the corner, a gnawing feeling grows in my stomach. He was such a big part of my life, whether he was the nagging boy who chased me for years or the mature man who finally caught me.

Now I have neither.  

Alice vacated the room roughly a minute after James and Frank, decidedly leaving me to realize the gravity of the situation.  

And as I look around my portion of the dorm, I choke out a sob. 

Folded neatly in my trunk is the uniform he gave me and although I can’t see it, the muscle beneath my breast tightens just knowing it’s there. And by my bedside table are the pictures. There are several pictures of family and friends, but they’re mostly pictures of us. 

Pictures like the one lying on the cold floor by the window.  

I know it won’t be long before the rumor mill of Hogwarts begins to rotate. Already, I can feel their vile glares and smirks and hear their nasty remarks. 

But emotionally, I only feel despair. 

I can’t move my gaze away from the door face. 

Maybe he’ll come back. Maybe we can go back to the way things were. Maybe we can erase what I’ve done, erase Sirius’ words from my mind, and maybe, just maybe, I won’t have to erase him from my life.   

That little flicker of hope is shining, but it’s slowly being extinguished with each wasted minute. 

I know that my words have sealed the deal. He won’t return and continue begging. He won’t corner me in the halls and demand that I give him another chance. He won’t write to me and explain his feelings. 

He won’t do any of that because I inadvertently asked him not to.  

When I told him to leave, he took those words to heart. And now I miss that boy who went against the grain. Went against everything I told him. For the past year, I had a man that listened, obeyed. And that man, no matter how much he doesn’t want to, will listen to me again.  

“Lily...”

A warm hand fastens onto my arm and I don’t recoil, but I don’t acknowledge it either. All I can think of are those two words that put an end to it all. 

_Goodbye, James._

For the first time, I get a good peek at the object that was lobbed at me.

Nerves take over as I stoop to pick up the velvet box that lies at my feet, my hand quivering. With the box gripped firmly in my palm, I dash into the bathroom and slam the door behind me. Just as I reach to adjust the lock, my name is repeated by a feminine voice.  

“Lily, please open up.” 

I ignore it. 

The bathroom of the dorm is rather small and I’m slightly claustrophobic, but right now I don’t care. There are other things— _worse_ things—that are causing my breath to stick in my throat other than the undersized room. 

Soreness from my collision with the wall is only minor. I slowly slide down its flat surface and land roughly on the marble floor. Salty tears are rolling down my face and splattering against the tile, a fact I finally noticed when a drop grazed the sensitive skin of my hand. 

Wiping my watery eyes with the back of my other hand, I stare at the box. 

A box fit for a ring. A very special ring. 

I’m so afraid to open it because I know what I’ll find. What I’ll find is something that will amplify the hurt tenfold. 

It’s something that I’d premeditated since I was a little girl, a little fantasist, dreaming of gliding down the aisle on my hesitant father’s arm in an elegant white dress. Smiling at my future husband as he waits by the altar, love and admiration shining in his eyes. Ending an old life while welcoming the start of another.  

If only I had known…

Today—exactly one year after we were officially declared a couple—would’ve been the day I became his fiancé. He was going to fulfill my childhood fantasies and his teenage dreams. And on the day when those dreams and fantasies would become a glorious reality, I chose to salvage the youthful dreams of our friends. 

Trembling fingers edge toward the opening, lifting it little by little. When it’s fully open, the breath in my lungs is all but gone. Momentarily banish the negative thoughts, I drink in the sight of luminous circle.

Just as I predicted, it’s beautiful. 

It’s ideal. 

It’s everything I anticipated and more. 

Nothing too extravagant or flashy, but it’s gorgeous. He knew exactly what I’d want, which is exactly what I’m not worthy of at the present time. 

I remove the ring from its slot and lay it delicately in the palm of my hand. The crystal clear diamond glitters in the light, but I can’t see the silver band or the precious rock. 

I only see my hopes and wishes. 

I only see _him_.

His tall physique kneeling down before me, poised on one knee. His sparkling eyes and that unbalanced smile. The handsome features I love so much. His hand holding mine as he lovingly slips the small loop on my left ring finger. 

And those beautiful visions are quickly replaced with the images I’ve created, the images that are the reality. His face knotted in agony, his tear-filled eyes, and his pleading voice. Unalterable descriptions that will never go away. 

“Merlin, James, I’m so sorry.”

_So very sorry._

That inadequate apology leaves my lips and reverberates against the walls, the ceiling, the porcelain, anything and everything it encounters. And here I sit with my bum on the floor, head in my hands, receiving the brunt of my measures. 

Just as I’m being engulfed in my desolation, I hear the soft ‘click’ of the door and I feel two arms enveloping me. Immediately, I give into their hold. 

I know exactly who it is.

These arms belong to a woman who did the same unpleasant task not so long ago in a dorm very similar to ours. The only difference is that she ended it because he wasn’t enough.

I ended it because James was too much. 

“What have I done? Merlin, Marlene, what have I done?” 

“Shhh…it’s going to be okay. Settle down, sweetie.” 

Her voice, so soft and reassuring, reminds me so much of my mother’s, the woman I need so badly right now. Her arms cradle me like a child and I rest my head against her chest, letting her rock me back and forth. I feel as though I’m six years old again, climbing into my parent’s bed as a bad storm bears down on our two-story house. 

I need this feeling so desperately right now.

She pulls out of the hold and holds each side of my face with her warm hands. 

“Now, can you tell me what happened? Why you’re hunkered down in this bathroom bawling your pretty little eyes out?”

The fringe of my hair slides into my eyes as I shake my head, but she quickly moves it away to get a clear view of my eyes. I don’t know how to explain the nightmare that just occurred. 

“He doesn’t understand. I had to do it.” 

Her quizzical, dark blue eyes analyze my face like it could hold the answers to all of her questions. With the pad of her thumb, she wipes away the stray tears as they spill down my cheeks and her other hand gently works through the tangles in my hair.   

“What did you have to do?”

Looking down at the floor repentantly, I search for the right words to verbalize. 

“I had to end it. It’s been the four of them since we were first years. I can’t take that away. I won’t let him make any more sacrifices for me. He’s already done enough.”  

The familiar sting of fresh tears has returned and I look her dead in the eye.  

“I’m tearing their friendship apart.”

Clearly, those were not the words she was expecting. Her confused eyes are wide and perplexed. She takes a deep breath, running a hand through her silky chestnut-brown hair. 

“Lily, you’re the most unselfish person I know. Everyone knows that the last thing you would ever do would be to tear the Marauders apart. You’re practically one of them. They love you. _James_ loves you. How could you even think that you’re doing such a thing? Why?”

Pulling out of her hug and off of the floor, I walk out of the bathroom and let her words sink into my heart. I just can’t come to grips with them. 

“Because it’s the truth! I’m taking James away from his friends. He’s spending more and more time with me and less with them. If their friendship does fade, I don’t want it to be over me. I couldn’t live with myself knowing it’s my fault.”

Merely speaking those words causes my head to pound because I know they’re spot on. She seems to take my words to heart, bowing her head and curving her gaze from my own. She’s knows I’m telling the truth. Everyone does. Just like me, they have been wearing rose-colored glasses. 

“When James and I started going out, it’s like we became instant celebrities. I guess it’s where everyone thought we were destined to be together or something. But you’ve seen it, Marlene. We can’t walk down the fucking hallway anymore without people stopping and giving us their piece. I know the other three are sick of it. They have to be. It’s dividing them and it wouldn’t be right for me to sit back and watch and act as if I don’t see it.”  

I spin around and walk over to my trunk but I don’t dare open it. Not only does it contain the tailored uniform, but also my dress that I packed for this evening. Black, knee length and spaghetti strapped with a warm overcoat; just for right for the occasion, but there will be no celebration tonight. 

“What do you think you’re solving by doing this? Breaking up with James is not going to cure whatever problems the Marauders are having. Do you honestly think things will go back to the way they were before? People grow up, Lil. They grow apart. That’s life. They’re not eleven year olds anymore. They can’t continue tricking people for the rest of their lives. We’re going to graduate, we’re going to move on, and we’re going to become a part of the war whether we want to be or not. We might even start families.”

An inkling of melancholy flickers over her face, but it quickly diminishes as she persists with her lecture.     

“By doing this, by ending your relationship, you’re only hurting James and yourself. You’re making yourself unhappy. And you know how Hogwarts works. Everybody’s going to wonder what happened and they’re going to point fingers. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about.”

Ambling over to me, she reaches for my hand and the fire in her infinite sapphire eyes dwindles just a bit.

“Is it worth surrendering your relationship? Is it worth throwing it all away? Is it what you really _want_?”  

I shake my head as I look into her bewildered eyes.

“It’s not a question about what I want or not. I have to make an effort. I can’t let him shelter me forever. What's more, I would rather people condemn me for breaking his heart than accuse me of breaking up the Marauders.”

A derisive laugh fills the room and she turns her back to me, for which I’m grateful. The frustration and conviction in her eyes is too much.  

“So that’s that, huh? It’s that easy, is it? You’re just going to throw the former year away, not to mention all of the years he spent trying to win your affections, and move on?”

I nod my head but still avoid her gaze.

“Then stop staring at that box if it’s so bloody simple. Give it back to him so he can give it to some other girl.”

I turn quickly and look at her. 

“I had a suspicion that he was going to ask today. I talked to him just before he came here and he was on cloud nine. Grinning from ear to ear, raring to fly up here and get the day started. He couldn’t wait to make you his fiancé. A while back, when Sirius and I were still together, I overheard them talking. He said he already had the ring and the moment he slipped it onto your finger, he would be the happiest man alive. And he wanted to spend the rest of his life making you happy.”

Every word she speaks slashes at my heart and a long pause separates her speech from mine. 

“That’s precisely the problem. He’s always by my side, always worried, always caring too damn much for his own good. He sees me more than he sees Sirius, Remus, and Peter. For some reason, things are already strained between James and Sirius and if he slipped this ring on my finger, it would’ve gotten worse. And the worst part is that James would’ve been okay with it. He wouldn’t even care. But what about Remus? Sirius? Peter? What about _them_?”

“But what about James, Lily? What about _James_? If you want him to back off a little, then tell him that, but that’s no reason to end it. He’d understand. The boy is fully smitten with you and he’d go right along with whatever you told him.”

“It’s not that simple…”

“And why not?!?”

Her scorching eyes bore into me as she paces by the window, arms crossed in irritation. 

“Let me ask you a something. Where’s all of this coming from? I know you love the blokes and you’re concerned about their well-being and all that, but this has never bothered you before. You’ve never doubted it like this. Is it about some nasty story you’ve heard? Did someone say something?” 

Flashbacks from the previous night play in my head. I should tell her the truth. I should… but I can’t. I can’t admit that Sirius gave me this insight. If I did, I would prompt the same situation that I’ve been trying to prevent.

“No. No one said anything.”

Though she won’t say it out loud, I know she doesn’t believe a word of it. She’ll give me her views, but she won’t pester me about it. Marlene is a good friend and she’ll tolerate my mistakes. She’ll also be here to raise my spirits when I become fully conscious of my blunders.

“I really don’t understand. You know what’s ironic? I would give _anything_ to have been in your shoes earlier. I would give anything at all just to have Sirius look at me like James looks at you. Like I was the only thing in the world he would want to see for the rest of his life. And I would certainly give anything to be his number one priority. But I guess not all of us can get what we want, right?”

Taking a few steps in my direction, she looks at the pictures on my nightstand and then at the one lying by the window. Lifting it off the floor, her fingers trace the edge of the frame and her eyes wander over the moving image of James and I. 

An image I can’t stomach at this point in time.   

“You’re so lucky, Lil. You’re so lucky and you don’t even know it. You’ve found someone who would shoot the moon and capture the stars if he knew it would make you smile. He would do all of that just for a _smile_. Merlin, before sixth year, he would do all of that just to catch your eye. Do you know how many girls can say they have that? Not many, myself included. We all dream about it, but very few of us are fortunate enough to find it. And you have, Lily, you’ve found it.”

Falling forward, she hauls me into a snug embrace. As we separate, her hands grip my arms and hold me steady. 

“They’re not the Beatles and you’re definitely not Yoko Ono.  You can’t listen to what everyone else is saying because _they_ aren’t of your concern. What they say is neither here nor there. All that matters is that you love James and James loves you. It doesn’t matter what you told him or what anyone tells either of you. Nothing can change what’s meant to be. I thought you already knew that, but I guess I was wrong.”  

Her deep gaze locks with mine and she scrutinizes me, investigating for the slightest crack in the wall I’ve built that will provide any sort of clarification. A logical reason for why I did this, why I chose to break two hearts, one of them being my own, in the span of twenty minutes. And as her eyes probe mine, I can only remember Sirius’s abrasive words from the night before. 

_“Lily, you hold a key in your hand. You hold the fate of our friendship within your fingertips._

_“What will you do with it?”_

I’ve handed over the key. I’ve given him back his friends and his family. I’ve given him back the only thing that matters to him.

And in one fell swoop, I watched the only thing that matters to me walk out of the door.  

But I know I’m doing the right thing. Forgoing my desires for the people I love. In order for my conscious to be clear, this is the way it must be. 

So why does it hurt so much?

Both of us let the silence communicate what’s inexpressible. All the while, she stares at me carefully before planting a kiss on the crown of my head and turning to leave. She pauses by the frame, getting one last look at me before she walks out. 

“I hope you understand what you’ve done.” 

** Next Chapter: **

_I was ready to slide the ring on her finger. I was ready to take her by the hand and announce to the world that she would be the only woman to ever occupy my heart, mind, and soul._

_I was ready._

_But I was rejected._

_No definite reason, no questions answered._

_And now I still can’t fathom why it all fell through. How in the course of a night, we went from the most exulted couple at Hogwarts to nothing at all._

_I’ve done everything. Dissected and inspected everything I could think of._

_And after doing all of that, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s something else, something she didn’t mention in her ranting. I know that what we have is stronger than any of those secrets I unveiled today. They alone could not penetrate her._

_I just know there’s more to it than what meets the eye._


	12. Worth The Fight

  
EXCEPTION TO THE RULE  
 **  
Chapter 11** : Worth The Fight  
 ****  
 __  
James’ POV  
  
  


**November 20, 1977**  
Saturday

I’ve suffered my fair share of pain.

I’ve been hurt emotionally by people who scarcely hold any significance in my life (if any at all).

I’ve been hurt by those I love and those I’ve trusted.

I’ve been injured during several duels and have the scars from the hexes to show for it.

I was hurt when I watched my parents _really_ argue for the first time and listened as my mum threatened divorce.

I thought that no amount pain could exceed what I felt as I helped bear the casket of my little cousin to the mausoleum.

And even after all of that, I was proven wrong.

None of that prepared me for what happened today. None of it was akin to the pain I endured when the woman I love, the woman I was so close to making my wife, barred me from her life.

I’ve done everything in my power to figure out what could’ve possibly happened. Each memory has been relived and every word has been deliberated. I’ve done all I can in the hopes of solving this mystery.

I did keep those secrets from her, but for her own protection. If I told her about Rosier, she would find ways to place the blame on herself. Right after he attacked her, she convinced herself that it was her fault: her uniform was too short, her make up was too provocative, or her behavior was too flirtatious.

Assiduously blaming herself when it was Rosier who had the problem.

_He_ is the pervert. _He_ is overly obsessed with her. _He_ is the one at fault.

But she doesn’t see that.

After that happened, I was scared. I was afraid that if she knew about the blackmail, she would try to shield us by succumbing to his demands. There wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that I was going to let that happen.

I didn’t tell her everything about the full moon. I didn’t tell her that Sirius wouldn’t be able to hold the werewolf Remus off for long. Because I know her and if I had told her that, she would’ve felt guilty for accepting my help.

That’s one of the limitless reasons why I love her so much.

Any other girl would lap up the attention and be willing to pull me from my best mates, but she is different.

She is so benign and worried about the needs of others. I couldn’t tell her that my best friend was out there cavorting with a werewolf while I helped her wrap up her report. The guilt would’ve overwhelmed her and the only thing I want overwhelming her is my love.

A love that she declined.

It sounds foolish for a sixteen year old boy to say he’s ready to ‘settle down’, but it couldn’t be any more accurate. I’ve fallen for a girl who attained my heart before I could define love.

I was ready to slide the ring on her finger. I was ready to take her by the hand and announce to the world that she would be the only woman to ever occupy my heart, mind, and soul.

_I was ready._

But I was rejected.

No definite reason, no questions answered.

And now I still can’t fathom why it all fell through. How in the course of a night, we went from the most exulted couple at Hogwarts to nothing at all.

I’ve done everything. Dissected and inspected everything I could think of.

And after doing all of that, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s something else, something she didn’t mention in her ranting. I know that what we have is stronger than any of those secrets I unveiled today. They alone could not penetrate her.

I just know there’s more to it than what meets the eye.

I’m positive that she still loves me. There’s no doubt in my mind. She can remove me from the dorm, from her vision, and from her life, but she can’t remove me from her heart. One quick look into her eyes told me all I needed to know.

Over and over, she told me to leave. She meant to push me out of her life.

‘ _Goodbye, James.’_

But those eyes…

Her eyes were telling me to stay.

It’s probably her biggest downfall, her biggest weakness. At least it is for me. She can’t disguise her emotions. I’ve watched as we’ve walked through the halls and the word ‘mudblood’ is tossed about freely.

Whereas I’m making a mental checklist of that person’s name and what I could do to them later, she’s trying her best to mask her hurt. For the most part, she does it well.

She is an eloquent, self-sufficient woman. She is a lover and a fighter. But every strong soul has an Achilles' heel. Every strong human being can only take so much, so many years of mockery and deprecation before they falter. Our contemporaries will never have a clue about how she’s _really_ feeling because she pretends like it doesn’t sting.

But I know better. I know her.

Love was shining in her eyes.

However, there was also the resilience, the fortitude to hide her vulnerability from me. The resilience to follow through with her words. The resilience to let me go.

Mission accomplished.

More often than not, I would be in Hogsmeade right now. It’s always been a tradition between us Marauders since the dawn of our companionship in first year. But tonight was projected to be different.

In the place of strolling through Hogsmeade with the girl who was supposed to be my fiancé, I’m out here at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, watching as the sun sets on an unbearable day. Colors of red, orange and gold paint the sky and the sides of the stony mountains mirror the brilliant shades. The wildlife in the forest behind me disperse; dashing into their burrows or fleeing for safety from their stalking predators.

This is the one place where I can find tranquility, even when my heart and mind are in chaos.

Along with staring into oblivion, I think back to the picture that was lying in her lap as she sat by the window. And even in my dismal state, I can’t help but smile and drift back to the memory.

“ _James, no! I won’t do it! I refuse! There are way too many people around…”�A nervous scowl is sent my way as her hand retreats from mine, but I don’t give up. James Potter never bows out of a challenge._

_And really, she’s the only one who can have this effect on me. The only one who makes me want to barter rational thought for folly without a moment’s hesitation._

“ _Come on, Lil. When have we ever done something like this? It’s not like I’m asking you to break a law.”� I tease, pushing her fringe out of her eyes._

_A simple move, my fingers barely stroke her creamy skin, causes a blush creeps into her cheeks._

_It gets to me._

“ _Dance with me, Lily.”�_

_Denying her the time to refuse, I cling to her small pale hand and pull her close so that our faces are inches apart._

_So close that I could count every single freckle on her nose, but I don’t need to…the number is 27. So close that I can inhale the delightful synthesis of hot cinnamon and peppermint lingering on her breath and the fragrance applied to a spot just behind each ear._

“ _Close your eyes. For now, there are no rules, no people, and no disruptions. Just you and me, love.”�_

_Still grasping her cold hand, I watch as her eyes finally flutter shut. Long, dark lashes come to rest upon her alabaster skin, their colors contrasting beautifully._

_It’s the minute entities about her that are so exceedingly fascinating. The tiniest, most diminutive attributes that are overlooked by so many can hold my interest for hours on end. I can get lost in her so effortlessly._

_She doesn’t know of my infatuation with her left dimple, enhanced by her brilliant smile. The crease that grows on her forehead while she studies has to be one of the sexiest things I’ve ever seen. And the way she blows a loose strand of sleek hair from her face, only to have it topple right back down in the same spot, is so intriguing._

_Yes, I’m officially a love-struck fool._

_With great ease, I twirl her around as the wild wind teaches the dead leaves a dance of their own. The wool of her knee length black coat flares with each turn, each graceful movement of her body. She’s trying so hard to hold back a euphoric giggle, but she loses her battle._

“ _See, this isn’t so bad, is it?”� She throws her head back and laughs openly this time, her eyes shining with joy and her hands interlocking around the back of my neck._

“ _James Potter, you’re utterly barmy,”� I grin and move my lips to her ear, pausing to feel the effect of my breath against her skin._

“ _Would you have me any other way?”�_

_The spinning has ceased, but my mind is still reeling from the feel of her sensuous curves pressing against me, even though both of us are clothed in thick black coats._

“ _No,”� Her emerald pools are fixed upon mine as she whispers, “I want you to be like this forever.”�_

_A quick flash of dazzling light catches my eye. I look to my left to see Remus standing on the edge of a rock wall, holding a magical camera in his hand. He doesn’t say anything, just winks at us and moves to take photos of the picturesque landscape and historic buildings._

_There’s no music, but neither of us care. It doesn’t matter. I just hold her body next to mine, savoring the feel of her cool cheek on the warm skin of my neck as we sway to the imaginary music. Her head lifts and her soft lips caress the stubble of my chin before returning to her previous position on my shoulder. My hands glide up and down her back and every few seconds, I plant a kiss in her hair._

_We are one, moving in a rhythm that’s meant solely for ours ears. Without interrupting the dance, I nudge her head to grab her full attention. As soon as her green eyes meet mine, I gently press my lips to hers, tasting the cinnamon that has been engulfing my senses all day._

_And for the moment, we can forget about the ominous threat of war. There’s no bloodshed, no evil lurking in the shadows, no loss of innocence._

_It’s just the two of us in our own frivolous world, ignoring the peculiar stares from the bystanders as we whirl and guffaw into the breeze._

_Two besotted teenagers partaking in a long, slow, beautiful dance._

I quickly shake the visualization from my mind, barely even noticing the footsteps coming closer. Instinctively, my head jerks up and the grip on my wand tightens, but I learn that it’s Remus. His robe swishes fiercely as he approaches me, but when he gets within striking distant, his steps are a tad precautious.

“Prongs.”�

“Evening, Moony. What brings you out here?”� I ask, thought I’m fully conscious of the reason.

“Frank and Alice gave me the general idea of what happened. They hadn’t seen you since, well, earlier, and they were worried…”�

“There’s no need for that. I’m okay,”� It’s a fib, a flat out lie, but I want to be strong. I don’t want to lose myself in the face of my friend.

A warm hand grips my shoulder and I look up to find him directly across from me, sporting a blend of concern and amusement.

“James, we’ve been mates since first year. We know each other inside and out, even things we wish we _didn’t_ know about. And I’m no Legilimens, but I don’t have to be to know that you’re not ‘okay’.”�

I say nothing at first, merely lowering my head to look at the frigid ground below. But curiosity gets the best of me in the end and I can’t help but ask one of the questions that has been in my head all day.

“How is she, Remus?”�

He shakes his head and chuckles before answering, “You’ve always put her first, haven’t you? I guess anyone who expected you to act differently even after she broke your heart is a right fool. You’re the most persistent bloke I’ve ever met when it comes to a girl.”�

“Only when it comes to Lily.”�

Sticking his hands in the pockets of his slacks, he drops his gaze and coughs a little before enlightening me.

“From what I’ve seen with my own two eyes, she’s not doing too good. She’s talked to Marlene quite a bit and a little with Alice, but things haven’t changed much. She picked at her food but I don’t think she ate anything. Everything is just so…mechanical. How she’ll make it through her classes this upcoming week is beyond me, but I know she’ll try anyway.”�

“She’s incredible.”�

The flattery springs from my mouth before I have a chance to stop it but that doesn’t make it any less of a fact. She _is_ incredible, at least to me.

“Dumbledore made her Head Girl for a reason, I suppose. But she’s not the normal Lily. The fire in her eyes is gone. It’s like she’s…shut down.”�

Which is precisely how I feel right now.

“So…are you going to tell me or am I going to have to guess?”�

Running a hand through my hair, I take a deep breath and look out at the contour of the mountains and the horizon line bordering the lake.

“It’s over. She told me to leave, I threw her the ring, and now we’re finished.”� My voice cracks and my eyes burn for what feels like the thousandth time today.

My mouth is open, the words are on the tip of my tongue, but I just can’t say them. And truthfully, I don’t know what _to_ say.

“Did she say why?”�

I move my gaze to his, seeing signs of pain in his eyes as well. An empty, mirthless smile forms on my lips.

“No, she didn’t say anything.”�

I lower my head into my hand as I begin to remember the events of the day, my heart struggling with the knowledge of the secret that has not only been kept from Lily but also from everyone else.

“I shouldn’t have kept secrets. I should have told her what happened that night.”� I feel him tense as he immediately recognizes what ‘night’ I’m talking about.

“I should have told her. I shouldn’t have done what I did in the first place. But when I saw Rosier’s footsteps and his name beside hers in the dungeons, I had this horrible feeling in my stomach. I just knew something was wrong. I had been watching him for a while. The way he looked at her. That–that _look_ in his eyes when she walked by him. I just…I _knew_.”�

I look to my left and meet his grim eyes. I know he remembers the events of that night as well, but he nods his head for me to go on.

“I ran as fast as my feet would carry me. And when I saw her on the floor and she wasn’t moving…”�

I don’t even try to wipe the tears from my eyes. I’ve told Remus the main points of what happened, but nothing like this. Never this much. And as I begin to share every detail, I hark back to every tormenting second.

“I thought she was dead. I thought he had killed her. There were cuts everywhere; her legs, her arms, her neck. He’d hit her and bruised her so many times. Blood was all over her face and smeared on the floor where he’d hit her nose and cut her lip. Her clothes were ripped to shreds and her wand lying on the floor, a good distance from where she was. He had disarmed her, silenced her, and immobilized her all before she had the chance to react.

“And the sick bastard was hid in the nearest classroom, not knowing I could follow his every move on the map. Before he knew what had hit him, I’d stomped into the classroom and hexed him, and then I ran back to Lily and muttered the counter curses. As soon as I went to lay a hand on her, she wrenched out of my hands and tried to get away. I’d gotten there before he’d had the chance to rape her, but when I saw the fear in her eyes…when I saw the hurt he’d caused her…”�

I could feel my jaw catch as I train my heart for these next words.

“I wanted to kill him.”�

Remus, his skin almost drained completely of any color, shifts on his spot. Placidly, he waits for me to finish before he provides his input.

“All I could think about was hurting him, making him suffer. And all I could see was the blood and his hands on her and her ripped clothes…I wanted to rip him apart. So after I took her to our dorm, healed her cuts and scrubbed off the blood, and gave her some of my clothes to sleep in, I went back down to him. I released him from the hex and I expected him to be angry, but what he did was worse.

“The bastard had the fucking nerve to smirk and laugh about what he had done! I can hardly remember what he said next, I was seething, but I plainly remember him calling her a mudblood whore. He said he knew how much I loved her and how much she loved me, so he wanted to make sure that she was ‘damaged goods’ when I got to her.”�

My teeth are gnashing and my fists are clenching as I spill everything that’s been building up in me since this morning.

“I don’t remember what all happened after that. I just remember the three of you trying to pull me off of him.

“I’ve never wanted to murder anyone, Remus. Never. But I swear I wanted to kill him. To this very day I want to kill him. When he laid his slimy hand on her this last time, it was all I could do to bite my tongue and not ‘Avada’ him right then and there.”�

“Prongs, calm down.”�

“I can’t, Remus! He’s fucking got us right where he wants us and it’s my entire fault. I drug you, Sirius, and Peter into this and now look at the mess we have on our hands. Merlin, if Dumbledore found out…if my father found out…we would be goners. And Lily…Lily would never forgive herself _or_ me. But she would think it was _her_ fault. I can’t let that happen, I just can’t.”�

Moving my moist eyes to his lanky frame, I await his wise retort. In its place, he just sits with me stares at the spot where my eyes were once glued.

“Until today, she never knew. I never told her that I went after him. I never told her that we pay him. But somehow…somehow, she found out.”�

“But how--?”�

"I’m not sure. That’s part of what I’m trying to figure out. But the point is I don’t know and it doesn’t matter now because she _did_ find out. She found out, she knows I kept it from her, and she’s hurt. She’s angry and with good reason. But I know there’s more to it. I sense it. She’s not telling me something because I know she wouldn’t break up with me over that reason alone.”�

He nods and shoots a glance at me, “What’s your plan?”�

I sigh, tear at the long blades of grass by my legs, and face him.

“She told me to leave. And because I love her, I’ll do anything for her. Whatever it takes, even if the ‘anything’ means I have to stay away. But I won’t throw in the towel. Not now, not ever. I’m going to find out what’s wrong and resolve it. I love her, Remus. That’s my girl up there, that’s my heart. I’ve done so much to get her and I’m not letting her go this easily. I’m going to fix this. I _have_ to fix it.”�

He stands up and brushes off the seat of his slacks, his grin widening with each passing second.

“You’ve always fought for her, even when she didn’t want you to. I’ve never seen you give up on Lily Evans and I doubt I ever will. I know you’ll fight for her and give it all you’ve got. Every now and then you have to come to blows if you want something bad enough. Usually, those are the things that are worth your wile.”�

For what feels like the first time in decades, a genuine smile crosses my lips, “Moony, if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that she is worth it.”�

He tilts his head back and looks up at the sky. The dim glow of the stars begins to appear and in their company, a quarter moon. I know he’s trying not to think about the full moon and the nightmare it brings, especially when his friends are hurting.

“These words won’t do you much good, but think of it like this. She’s in that castle, breathing the same air with you, resting under this very sky with you, and she’s almost certainly thinking about you.”�

I nod my head and laugh softly, “You’re right. Doesn’t do me much good…but it doesn’t hurt to think about it that way, either.”�

Remus’ words echo in my head and I can’t help but smile. He always knows what he’s talking about.

Lily is definitely worth the fight.

“I’ve had questions floating in my head since this morning. Did you notice anything different about her last night? Anything I might not have noticed?”�

Out of the corner of my eye, I see his hands twisting and turning, a habit that comes to life when he’s really considering something.

“No, I honestly didn’t. She seemed fine to me and if she was with you, she was joking and laughing with her friends. I don’t get how she found out. None of us have ever brought it up. Not once. You were with her after the party, right?”�

“Everybody left and we cleaned up the mess. I told her I was going to the kitchens and then straight to bed. I kissed her good night, told her I loved her, and left. She was supposed to finish packing and go to the girl’s dorm in Gryffindor tower, which she did. That’s all I know.”�

His brow in contemplation, “You don’t think she could’ve run into Evan Rosier again, do you? He might have told her something to stir the pot for his own sordid entertainment.”�

“So help me Merlin, if he did-”�

Instantly, revulsion and fury spread swiftly like a wildfire through my system. If it weren’t for Remus’ hand fixing me to the spot, I would be searching for the git that started it all, the root of the problem.

“Listen, it’s just a theory. I’m sorry I brought it up. I wasn’t thinking when I said that. But I sincerely doubt he would be daring enough to drift up to those parts. He knows better to try anything with you, me, Sirius, and even Peter on the same floor.”�

He shrugs and we fall into a heavy silence. Without warning he turns to look at me, apparently hit with a sudden thought.

“I think Sirius went out for a late walk last night. Do you think he might’ve seen her?”�

A dreadful pang resounds in the chambers of my heart. The knots that have been intensifying and slackening all day long are tighter than ever.

“ _Sirius_?”�


	13. No Amount

  
EXCEPTION TO THE RULE  
 **  
Chapter 12** : No Amount  
 ****  
 __  
Sirius’ POV  
  
  


**November 20, 1977**  
Saturday

Until last night, I’d been experiencing a series of three distinct emotions. 

Envy. Bitterness. Fear.

And now, I have another one to add to the ever-increasing list.

Remorse. 

And remorse can be such a hard pill to swallow. It doesn’t matter how many glasses of water you drink to wash it down; you will still choke. 

As soon as I stepped to the portrait hole; as soon as it opened and she invited me inside; as soon as I unloaded all of my fears and insecurities and walked out the door, I felt the remorse. 

It smoldered in my soul the second I let the portrait swing shut on my little sister’s heartbroken face. And it became alive when those eyes, the windows to her soul, haunted my dreams all through the night. 

I can’t escape the look she gave me as I confessed what had been veiled for so long. The look she gave me as I, someone she trusts, turned her world upside down.

And the whole time, she said nothing. She made no objections. 

She loves me. I’m her big brother. Why would a big brother lie? Why would he give her this information about the love of her life if it weren’t the truth? So she accepted what I said–every single sordid fact that was laced into my explosion–and determined the verdict. 

A verdict that makes the remorse burn a million times greater. 

Frank told me what he and Alice had witnessed and I couldn’t believe it. I _still_ can’t believe it. 

I can't believe that there is someone in this world who would forfeit his or her happiness for mine. 

My own biological family wouldn’t do that. 

It’s mind-blowing.

But deep down, I knew this would happen. I told myself over and over that it wouldn’t, but I knew it would. I persuaded her and I made _her_ feel guilty. 

I used her. I manipulated her heart.

A heart that is so immeasurable, so generous, so loving. She does anything and everything in her power to look after those she loves. 

Always looking after someone like me, someone who is so undeserving of her defenses.

And she did it. She did what I couldn’t do. She pushed her wants and desires away so I could have mine and to save a decaying friendship. She did it to for her brothers and the love of her life.

She did it because _I_ told her it was necessary.

My fingers run through my hair as my mind journeys back to my exchange with Frank.

_“What was James’ reaction?”�_

_He drops his head, telling me everything that he can’t express in a sentence._

_“Devastated.”�_

It was such a fierce word, a word that almost knocked me off of my feet from its impact. 

But it wasn’t a word that came as a bombshell. In fact, the word ‘devastated’ is most likely an understatement. And I’d be willing to bet that Lily is reacting the same way.

All of it, this whole mess, was created because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. I couldn’t stop my feet from moving down the hallway and I couldn’t control my emotions. 

All because of one short visit that I sincerely regret. 

_The damage is already done._

I heave my exhausted body up from my bed and glance at the clock for what has to be the first time today. 

9:30 PM. 

I reach for the crumpled copy of the Daily Prophet lying on Remus’ bed. Taking a seat at my desk, I use the only light provided: a dimly lit candle. The wax is overflowing, but cools before it touches the surface of the table below. 

Just as I’m about to read the first article, ‘Bodies of Missing Muggles Located’, the door creaks open. I’m expecting Remus or Peter, but my breath catches when I ascertain that it’s one of two people I’ve been avoiding for the past twenty-four hours. 

And when I look up, James’ rigid, watery eyes are the first things I see.

It’s at this very point in time that I see the real consequences. A living, breathing casualty of the conflict that only exists in my head. His face is ashen–the shade of white you associate with those who are under the weather–excluding the dark circles beneath his muddy eyes. 

“All right, Prongs?”� 

It might be the most dim-witted question to ever leave my lips. 

But there’s no sarcastic reply as I’d expected, just a stiff arm that knocks me out of his path. Like a ghost, he drifts into the room and I close the door behind him.

Taking a deep breath, I face him. What I see will most likely haunt me for the rest of my life. 

His eyes, ordinarily ablaze with enthusiasm and mischief, reflect the same look found in Lily’s eyes from the night before. 

I see the hurt, the confusion, and…skepticism. 

He stares at me for a few minutes, his vacant eyes never moving from mine. After a long wait, he gives me three stipulating words.

“Tell me why.”�

My eyebrows automatically furrow in confusion as I look at him. I know exactly what he means. At least in my heart, I do. But my mind won’t accept it. 

“Tell you why? Why what?”�

His glare rips into me like he's trying to uncover something. He keeps quiet, both of us listening to the rustling winter wind as it blows hard into the exterior of the ancient castle. 

A storm. 

“I know you were with her last night,”� it’s a statement, not a question, “And I want you to tell me why.”�

Rubbing my sweaty palms together, I turn away from him, praying that he didn’t notice the hesitation and fear as I did so.

_Think fast, Sirius._

Cruel twist of fate, this is. Just last night, I spoke too much. And right now, when I desperately need them, the words just won’t come. 

I’m racking my brain for something to say, anything to prevent his intense gaze from devouring me whole. 

“I…I just wanted to talk with Lily,”� I mutter, trying to down any sign of insecurity, “…and apologize again for that morning. I haven’t been myself lately.”�

Lame excuse. Absolutely pitiful, especially when you consider my lengthy Marauder reputation that is built off deception. But the last sentence is nothing but the truth. 

His gaze follows my every step as I move across the room, “I haven’t seen you all day. Why didn’t you tell me about this?”� he queries, the ache in his voice painfully obvious, “You never told me that you might have a talk with her.”� 

Kinks are rapidly forming in my stomach as I feed him more and more lies. Rebelling against the little voice of my conscience, I keep on adding more fuel to the fire. 

“I’ve been giving you space. I figured you’d want it. And how could I tell you if I didn’t know where you went? You have the map and you haven’t been here all morning either. It never crossed my mind to hunt you down and tell you. I didn’t think it would cause any trouble.”�

He shakes his head and begins to walk toward the chair, his demeanor changing instantly. The intimidating lad is gone and in his place, a frustrated young man. 

“No, definitely no trouble in that,”� he mutters, more to himself than me.

His calloused hand massages the back of his neck before rising to the summit of his messy head and ruffling his jet-black hair. 

“I’m a little paranoid right now and when Remus told me you were out last night…I started jumping to conclusions. I’m not sure what to believe anymore. You’ve royally screwed things up in the past, but I know you love her too and I believe you.”� 

I swallow the lump in the back of my throat, suddenly feeling extremely nauseous. 

“I just–I’ve been trying my hardest to put the pieces together. It’s like a damn jigsaw puzzle with thousands of pieces. And I’m no closer to where I’ve started. I can’t figure out what happened. I don’t know how she found out.”� 

My stomach turns and tumbles with guilt and fear. I know James will eventually put the pieces together. He has always been very articulate, very capable of seeing what’s hiding behind the shell. If anyone knows Lily inside and out, it would be James. It does not surprise me in the least that he is so guarded and critical. 

“She’s probably just got a lot running through her head right now, Prongs. Head Girl duties, class work, N.E.W.T.S., you know how all of that is. And then there’s all of this war propaganda and threats every time you turn around. She probably feels a bit weighed down by it all. We all are.”�

Very slowly, he nods his head and cups his chin with one hand, taking in my words. 

“After the party, when you talked to her…did you get the impression that anything was wrong?”�

I can hear is voice cracking…his heart breaking. And amidst the cacophony of sound, I can hear my own breaking as well. 

And still, I lie again. 

“Maybe a little distracted, but she seemed all right to me.”�

I used to be honest, especially with James. I used to feel a stronger pang of guilt than what I’m feeling now. When did the lies start consuming my life? 

They’ve become second nature. Impulsive. A wild instinct that I can’t deny. 

And that scares me.

He leans back and rests his head on the cushioned back of the chair. I can almost see the cogs turning as he tries to clear his thoughts.

“Gods…I’m sorry, Padfoot. I don’t know what I was thinking, tearing in here like this. Its just today has been so strange and when Remus told me, I thought you might’ve known...”� 

He shoots a glance at me and his eyes that normally hold a hint of gold are now a deep, dark green. I’m sure he hasn’t been crying for a while, but his eyes are still very red around the rims.

It takes looking into those sorrow-filled pools to realize how far gone I really am. 

I’ve done what I swore I’d never do. I’ve deliberately hurt two of the most important people in my life because of my own hidden desire to have what they have. 

So overcome with deception. 

Somewhere along the way, I’ve lost touch with the old Sirius. 

Just when I think I can sink no lower, I do.

“Prongs, there are a lot of other birds out there that would go out with you in a heartbeat. Did you ever stop to think that Lily might not be the one for you?”� 

Clearly alarmed at my words, his narrowed eyes shoot to mine and he wordlessly examines me. He doesn’t say anything as he stands and walks to the door, wrenching it open by the handle and looking back at me. 

“Truthfully Sirius, I haven’t. And I won’t. I don’t care how many other birds are out there or how many ‘fish are in the sea’. I _just don’t care_. She is the one. She’s it for me.”�

The door slams shut behind him and my hands immediately fly to my face as I walk to the window.

“What have I done?”�

In the thick glass, I see an unfamiliar reflection. The man staring back to me is a stranger, someone I don’t know anymore. A man that I wouldn’t want to know. A person who neglected the feelings of others just to get his fill. 

That man that resembles his wretched family. That man is standing, living, breathing in this very skin.

That man is a true Black. 

_Toujours pur._

That man is me. 

“Fuck!”�

I need to get out. I need to get away. 

With a shake of my head, I dash out of the door with one particular destination in mind: Hogsmeade. 

I don’t care that it’s late or that I’m breaking the rules. I’ve never really cared much about being a law-abiding citizen anyway. But right now, I need to get out of this place. I need to be out of my mind where I can’t feel this overwhelming guilt, where I can’t see the aftermath. 

Jogging down the passageway to get to the One-Eyed Witch, I swivel around the corner and bump straight into someone. It’s deja vu all over again. But when I look up this time, I don’t see the Regulus’ brooding face. 

I’m toe-to-toe with Lily. 

And those eyes are still the same. They still have the same poignant look from last night…and the same one I found in James’ just minutes before. 

“I-”� She shakes her head and cuts of my sentence.

“I guess you’ve heard by now,”� She says after a sharp intake of breath and a weak, contemptuous chuckle, “But I’m sure the whole school knows about it.”�

Her head turns and her eyes bore into mine, probing them for any emotion. 

“I listened to what you said. I got the message loud and clear last night. And I spent all night thinking it over.”� 

The sound of her voice is breaking me. 

This is not Lily. This is not the spitfire with the witty comebacks, the sharp tongue. This is not the Lily I’ve known for nearly seven years. 

The magic is gone. The voice that instantly brings a smile to my face is missing.

And it’s all because of me.

“Lily, please…”�

“I realized that you were right about everything. I was a bloody fool not to see it before. But I finally did. I’m not living in fantasyland anymore; I don’t have the blinders on now. I ended it this morning. It’s over between James and I. I did it for you and Remus and Peter. I did it to make you happy. ”�

I open my mouth, trying to get a word in edgewise, but she stops me yet again. 

“Please…I’d like it if you didn’t say anything. I’m not sure if I can deal with it right now. I’m not sure I want to.”�

I watch her retreating back as she walks away from me, becoming the second person to leave me in less than fifteen minutes. 

I did this. I broke her. 

The light of the bright moon streams in through the window, illuminating my mirror image in its panes.

The man looking back at me _…he_ broke her.

Tonight, I just want to forget. 

~*~

“What would you like tonight, sugar?”� The young barmaid asks as she sidles up to my seat at the bar. 

“Give me the hardest stuff you’ve got.”�

She grabs a glass, wipes off any loitering dust and fills it with liquor. 

“I think this will do the trick,”� she chuckles as she pushes the drink over to me and takes the sickles from my hand.

Without wasting a second, I quickly down the drink in one gulp. It’s like liquid flames as it slithers down, but I don’t mind one bit. 

“Another,”� I shout over the racket of the crowd and she abides my demand. 

The tavern has been decorated with an assortment of Christmas ornaments and trinkets. Large, red bows are tied around a few posts and wreaths of all shapes and sizes cling to the doors, walls, and banisters. 

But the most obvious decoration is but a few feet away from me.

Mistletoe.

And of course, a couple is standing below it. The two are kissing quite fervently while swaying to a slow, melodic song, seemingly oblivious to the noise around them. Ever so gently, the man rocks his partner back and forth by the heel of his steel-toed boots. 

Obviously in love.

I can’t take my eyes away from them, especially when a glint of light bounces off of the woman’s finger. Even the dim light of the pub cannot prevent the glitter. 

Glitter from an _engagement_ ring. 

Another one down.

That should be my best friend out there with his beloved. That should be the shine from _her_ ring, not this stranger’s. And had I not ruined it, thwarted his plans, it **would** be them. 

He was going to pop the question. He was going to secure her in his life and make her the happiest woman in the world. He was going to show all of the pureblood fanatics, the cynics, and anybody else who said they wouldn’t last how in love they were. 

He was going to live his dream.

And like a hammer colliding with a plane of glass, I smashed that dream to pieces. 

For a third time in the last ten minutes, the young woman slides the drink in front of me, but unlike the previous times, her hand lingers on the glass. 

I look up at her and she shakes her head, her tight curls bouncing about.

“I’ve seen a lot of people walk through those doors, a lot of them wearing long faces. What’s your story? Broken relationship?”�

“Er…yeah. That’s one way of putting it.”�

For the time being, I forget that the woman is a barmaid in Hogsmeade and I let my guard down, my words slurring a bit as the alcohol takes effect. 

“Ever done something horrible to someone you love? Let me rephrase that…two people you love?”�

The maid releases her grip on the glass and picks up a cream-colored rag that is smudged with dirt and grime, all the while surveying me oddly. 

“Well, I’ve made my fair share of mistakes. Who hasn’t? I can’t say that I’ve got much experience with something like that, but if you feel like sharing, I’m willing to listen.”�

“Trust me, I’ve done enough talking to last me a lifetime.”�

I look over my shoulder at the couple on the dance floor and then turn back to her. 

“That couple over there, underneath the mistletoe,”� I return my gaze to her and she nods for me to continue, “One would assume that they’re in love, right? They sure look like it, don’t they?”�

“That they do.”�

I take a sip from the glass and chuckle caustically. 

“I’m a friend–or I’m supposed to be, anyway–to another couple just like them. They’re so perfect for one another, so madly in love. You don’t have to assume, you just…know. And I want to have what they have. I’ve tried so hard to find it. Even dated a bird for over a year thinking that I could have something similar to it. But I’ve spent all this time searching for something…and I’m not even close to finding it.”�

She’s quite a young woman, but the wisdom and trepidation shining in her eyes tells me that she’s far too familiar with my situation. 

“Along the way, I became resentful. Not just with them, but towards myself and everybody else. And that resentment has done a lot of damage since it began.”�

I gulp down the rest of the drink and drop my hand onto the counter. The glass slips from my hand, but luckily, she catches it and sets it upright.

“You claim that you love these people, this couple that you speak so fondly of,”� she asks, her voice soft and tinged with intrigue, “Do you?”�

Her words slam into me, causing my heart to slightly ache when the truth is uncovered. 

“I do. Or at least, the old me does. The old me would do anything for them. But this new me, the person I’ve become won’t. This new man doesn’t.”�

“On the whole, they’re not the problem, it’s you. Correct?”�

The tip of my index finger traces the smooth edge of the glass and I nod. 

“Like I said, I don’t have a lot of personal experience with stuff like this, but I’ll give you the best advice I know,”� she says, tossing the rag underneath the bar and leaning onto the counter with both arms doubled. 

“I’m not a rookie to this bar business. I’ve seen a lot of people walk in and out of those doors looking just like you. Too many of them, frankly. And every single one of them is delusional. Every single one of them is convinced that alcohol is the key to fixing whatever problem they’ve conceived. 

“I’ve been one of those people, too. I’ve been down a road both alike and different to yours. You can drown yourself in booze, you can drink the whole town dry, and you can spend a few hours feeling blissfully numb, but your problem will still be there when you come back. Maybe even ten times worse than it was when you temporarily left it. Nothing or no one can fix it apart from you, the person who created it. And it’s imperative that you find yourself, that you find the old you who came to love these people. Because this is not just hurting them anymore. It’s hurting you.”� 

I prop an elbow on the slab of wood in front of me and stare at the shot glass while my other hand tangles in my hair. Little by little, I absorb her miniature speech like a dry sponge. Not just mentally, but in spiritually as well.

Releasing a shaky breath, I hold back the tears threatening to spill.

“W–what happens if I don’t do that?”�

She sighs, peers at the new patron pulling up a stool at the long end of the bar, and gives me a hard look. 

“In that case, you won’t be the only one who loses.”�

A sad smile garnishes her pretty lips as she walks down to the opposite end, ready to comfort another lost soul in the waiting. Meanwhile, I’m still staring at my distorted reflection in the small glass, my heart beating at a frantic pace in my chest. 

I feel dizzy, the thoughts and images in my head swirling like memories in a pensive. Part of it is due to my alcohol consumption. The other part is credit to my latest realization.

Cocking my head to the side, I catch a glimpse of my solemn face in the magical neon sign, and then I turn around and look for the happy couple who were once right behind me. When my eyes finally fall on them–now locked in a loving embrace in the far corner of the tavern–the tears that I’ve been battling all day finally leak out. 

There’s no amount of alcohol that can mend the damage I’ve done. There’s no amount of alcohol that can make me stop thinking about it. 

James’ hollow, bloodshot eyes.

Lily’s deadpan, fractured voice. 

Both are imprinted in my mind. 

They always will be.


	14. Congratulations

  
EXCEPTION TO THE RULE  
 ****

**Chapter 13** : Congratulations

****  
__  
Alice's POV  
  
  


**November 24, 1977**

Wednesday

 

_“I heard he caught her in bed with Remus Lupin! When he was in the bathroom, no less!”�_

 

_“Really? I didn’t think Lupin was like that. Isn’t he going out with Mary McDonald?”�_

 

_“As far as I know, he was. Poor James. He must be heartbroken. He was so in love with her and Remus was one of his best friends.”�_

 

_“He did love her, but it’s quite obvious that she didn’t love him, right. That whore was probably cheating on him the whole time, right under his nose, and nobody had a clue! I knew something was up when she agreed to go out with him last year.”�_

 

_“You’re probably right, as usual. I thought they made a cute couple, too. Evans doesn’t deserve him. I’m glad he broke up with her…”�_ __

 

I’m trying so hard to keep temper at bay.

 

I’m trying so hard to block it out. 

 

And I know the girl hidden with me behind the hangings of this bed is too.

 

She’s quiet, so unlike the Lily I’ve grown accustomed to. We’re both sitting cross-legged on my bed and she’s looking straight ahead, almost like she can see through the thick fabric encasing us from the rest of the dorm.

 

They don’t know she’s here.

 

They can’t see her suffer noiselessly as their words puncture and rip her dignity to shreds.

 

But I can.

 

I watch as she hugs the pillow tight to her chest and closes her eyes, but she doesn’t cry. She doesn’t release a single tear as the pieces of her life fall to the floor. She doesn’t have to. 

 

The news of her split with James spread like wildfire throughout the school and this–whatever you want to call it–has become a custom. Every single night, I sit with her in this same position, listening as the latest rumor circulates within the group of gossiping girls. 

 

Why? The reasons are still unclear to me. 

 

All she has to do is jump out of the bed, give them a piece of her mind, and end it right then and there. And sometimes, I’ve volunteered to do it for her. 

 

But she does nothing. 

 

She says and does absolutely nothing. She’s reprimanding herself by taking their words to heart, even though she says she doesn’t. 

 

I know the truth. I see the way she hangs onto their every word. Their gossiping tongues flap at a ridiculous rate, giving a variety of reasons for why the reigning King & Queen of Gryffindor came to an abrupt end. 

 

And all of those reasons paint her as the perpetrator, the one who cheated and lied and just wasn’t good enough for him in the end. 

 

Truthfully, no one knows what’s behind it. Not even Frank and I, and we were there for the ending. But she hasn’t spoken a word since the horrible day that feels like it took place a year ago, not less than a week. 

 

And I may be clueless on what happened, but I know this much: she did not cheat on him and she did not ‘fall out of love’, if one can really do such a thing. Even when she goes to extreme lengths to avoid coming in contact with him in the halls or the classrooms, she is still thinking and daydreaming of him. 

 

All it takes is one look at the girl sitting across from me and you’ll know that much is true. 

 

Since he walked out of this very room, she hasn’t been the same. Those dazzling jade eyes have lost their signature gleam and the smile that could light up a pitch-black room has disappeared. 

 

Every day is the same routine: the fake smiles, the usual raising of her hand in class, her constant reassurance that she will be just fine. Her life has become a pattern, an endless cycle. 

 

When she got together with James, I don’t think she noticed as her life slowly intertwined with his. Not until now, at least. He gave her support and confidence. He gave her what no on else could. 

 

But most of all, he gave her life. He made her realize that there are more important things in life besides achieving good grades and living by the rules. He gave her a zest for life that was missing before she opened up to him. 

 

What she’s doing right now is not living

 

And it’s showing. 

 

We stand by her, those of us who are her real friends, and defend her from the slander and provide a shoulder to cry on. But even we are growing slightly impatient, wondering the real reason for their split. 

 

Then there are the others, the little twits of make up the official “James Potter Fan Club”�, the blabbermouths who having nothing better to do than degrade others, and the arrogant Slytherins who call her everything from an attention seeking whore to a worthless mudblood.

 

But she takes it all in stride. She doesn’t argue, doesn’t protest. She says nothing. The only battles being fought are between her will and her tears. 

 

Another voice, another nameless face, chips into the gossip ring. 

 

_“Well you’ll never guess what I heard this afternoon. Susan said she saw James with Janice Finnegan and apparently they were getting a little friendly. You know they went out before, right? I bet he never stopped liking her.”�_

 

Immediately, my eyes are on Lily. She has lowered her eyes to the sheet in front of her and one hand is covering her mouth. My heart breaks as I see a tear fall down her cheek and onto the pillow below.

 

“Don’t listen to a word they say, Lils. You know it isn’t true. James would never go back out with Janice. You and I both know that. They just want to start something.”� I whisper to her, trying to deter their awful comments. 

 

I’m not sure what I can tell her to make it better. I’ve conversed with James a bit and I know for a fact that he hasn’t moved on. He can’t get over her, just as she can’t get over him. But my words are of no use. I’m not the one who can mend her heart. I’m not sure if anyone can at the moment. 

 

She closes her eyes and allows the tears to fall freely onto her pillow. 

 

Since the day she stepped foot into my compartment on the train first year, I’ve thought of her as a sister. The sister I never had but always wanted. I love her as if she was. And because of that, I can feel her pain. It hurts _me_ to see _her_ hurt. And if there were anything, anything at all that I could do to end her pain, I would do it without hesitation. 

 

“Don’t listen to them, Lily. They’re all liars; they’re looking for something to talk about. And none of it’s true, dear,”� I whisper, stroking her cheek with one hand, simultaneously lifting her chin to look at me as I tuck a few of her ruby strands behind her ear. ****

 

No response, just like all of the other times. 

 

When I look down, her head is buried in the pillow and her shoulders are shaking. All I can do is rub the convulsing muscles in her back and hope that I’m bringing some kind of relief. 

 

Five minutes later, she finally looks up. The eyes that were once so vacant are now unbelievably miserable. Slowly, she sits up and wipes away the spare tears. 

 

“Would you…would you do something for me? A couple of things, actually,”� Her eyes meet mine briefly before she turns them to a picture on the wall while picking at her nails timidly. 

 

“Er…sure,”� I reply, eyeing her doubtfully, “I guess I could. What do you need?”�

 

She takes a deep breath and lowers her voice so that it’s barely audible, even to me and I’m sitting right across from her. ****

 

“Tell James and the rest to stop the payments,”� My mouth flies open to ask her what in the world she’s talking about, but she holds up a hand to stop me, “Please don’t ask any questions. I’ll probably tell you one day, but right now, I can’t. Just tell them I’ll take care of it, I’ll convert my muggle money into galleons.”�

 

“What are you–?”�

 

“Please…I’m asking you to let it go. Just tell him that for me. Tell him it’s what I want, okay?”�

 

I want to know, I want to ask so badly, but her eyes are silently begging for me to drop it.

 

“Okay.”�

 

“And there’s one more thing,”� She gulps and reaches into the pocket of her plaid pajamas.

 

Her fingers are wrapped around a small box when they emerge; the same box that landed at her feet last weekend. It’s gently placed on the bed in the small space between our folded legs, directly in front of me. ****

 

“Please give this to him–to James. I put the promise ring in there, too.”� She wipes at the tears as they slide down her cheeks. 

 

“He bought them for _you_ , Lil. He wants you to have them.”�

 

The air in the room seems to decrease as I stare at the black box in my hand, a box that means so much more to them than most will ever know. 

 

Through her tears, she whispers, “Those were meant to be given to someone he loves, and the person he fell in love with no longer exists. One day he’ll fall in love again. And when he does, he should have them.”� 

 

My heart is breaking as she speaks. I don’t even realize that my eyes have closed until I hear her sobs. And when they open, I see her shoulders trembling. 

 

She’s not fighting it anymore. 

 

“Please, Lily, don’t do this to yourself. You need to let this out. You need to talk. I’m pleading with you, Lil. Tell me what’s going on.”�

 

“Gods, Alice, I love him so much. I…”� ****

 

“Of course you do, sweetie. I know that, I’d never question your feelings for James. Just tell me what or who’s behind this. Tell me why you did this, please.”� ****

 

She raises her eyes to mine and asks, “Do you think they’re happier now?”� 

 

I toss her words back and forth in my mind, all the while eyeing her suspiciously. That’s an odd question. 

 

A _very_ odd question. ****

 

“Have you taken a good look at James? He looks just as bad as you do. There’s no spring in his step, no sparkle in his eye. He only talks when he has to and he isn’t eating right. He misses you and he’s heartbroken. And girls keep coming up to him, thinking they stand a chance now that you’re out of the picture, but they don’t. They never will. And Remus, Peter, and Sirius are down and out too. If one Marauder is depressed, they’re all depressed. That’s how they work. They love you, Lil, and they miss you so much.”� ****

 

“Why should they be? Why should he be? I gave him what he wanted. He has no right to be depressed.”�

 

Her last words were like a switch, generating the light bulb in my head. 

 

Lily wasn’t behind this, someone else was. ****

 

“What do you mean ‘he’? Someone said something. I know they did. Who? Tell me now,”� I say, a little more sternly than I’d intended.

 

Her doe eyes look at me and she shakes her head, “It doesn’t matter who said it. He’s right and there’s nothing anyone can do to change that, Alice.”�

 

I want her to say it already. I want to grab her by her shoulders, rattle her until the name falls out, and then hex that individual into oblivion. 

 

Instantly, my mind starts evaluating all four of them. It’s no longer just my curiosity. I _need_ to know this; I need to know who led Lily into rejecting James. 

 

Peter? No, he’s too reserved and nervous to say anything.

 

Remus? Of course not, he’s also fairly quiet. He wouldn’t do something like this is his life depended on it.

 

And I know James is out of the question. 

 

Then it clicks. She doesn’t even have to drop the name, doesn’t even have to say the word. 

 

“Oh my…Sirius. It was Sirius.”�

 

Just one look at her face and I know I’ve guessed accurately. Her eyes are wide and she quickly looks away, trying to look at anything but my face. 

 

But it’s too late, I already know. 

 

_Deep breaths, Alice, deep breaths._

 

“Tell me exactly what he said.”�

 

“We’ve been through this, Alice. He told me what I should’ve seen all along. He was losing his best friend so he came to me; he came to the source of the problem. He said they were losing James as a friend.”�

 

“That’s a lie…”� 

 

“No, it’s not! I’ve taken over his life! I know it. You know it. Hell, Professor Dumbledore probably knows it by now! It’s not good for them. I can’t make James choose between them and me. I can’t let it come to that.”� 

 

How ironic that one of the reasons James fell in love with her also led to the demise of their relationship. She cares about people too much.

 

People she loves and people who have betrayed her. ****

 

Reaching for her cold hands, I gather them and mine and try to warm them.

 

“You’re one hundred percent right. He does love you and he would give anything to have you. He loves your kindness. But you need to stop trying to please everyone else and start thinking of yourself for once, your own fulfillment, your own expectations.”� ****

 

“I don’t care. I want him to be happy and he won’t be, not without them. He won’t be the same person I fell in love with if he loses them, and I love him too much to tie him down when we’re both so young.”� 

 

Her eyes drift to our joined hands and then she lifts them to mine. ****

 

“Alice, please give me your word that you won’t share this conversation with James. Please don’t tell him. Please…promise me.”�

 

Damn it, I don’t want to go along with this. If anything, I want to run to the opposite dorm, punch Sirius, and tell James everything. That this was all some stupid mistake caused by Marlene’s ignorant ex-boyfriend. But she’s right. It would cause a big rift between James and Sirius and probably Remus and Peter as well. Furthermore, it’s not my place to say anything. I’m not the one who created this mess and the lone person who did should be the one to clean it up. 

 

I can only nod my head, complete and utter shock still coursing through my body from my discovery. Reluctantly, I give her my word that I won’t mention this to James. 

 

But I do have some issues to discuss with Mr. Black. 

 

~*~

 

A log continues to burn in the common room and my hands are ice cold, but I don’t have time for that right now. Instead, I rub them together and smooth down my extremely casual attire. Had I known it that would be so cold in the common room this morning, I would’ve worn something flannel. 

 

After knocking twice and getting no answer, my impatience is rising. I finally hear the muffled sound of footsteps coming close to the door. It opens to expose a bleary-eyed Sirius standing before me in nothing but his striped boxers. 

 

“Alice,”� He seems to be taken aback by my random appearance, “Why are you here?”�

 

As I shove my way into the room, I take in his lackluster exterior and the lingering stench of alcohol on his breath. I look around and notice that a snoozing Peter is the only other person present, but I’m not too worried about him. I’ve seen the boy sleep before and it would take a natural disaster to wake him. 

 

I near his bed and the first thing that catches my eye is the empty fire whiskey bottle lying below the side table next to a glass, obscured by excess clutter. When I send him a questionable look, he turns away and bends down to pick up the dirty laundry and crumpled sheets of parchment scattered across the floor.

 

“So…you never answered my question. What brings you here, of all places? You know Frank doesn’t stay here.”�

 

He doesn’t face me, just sifts through the piles of clothes, pulls on a plain white tee, and rearranges objects on his desk that have been overturned or pushed aside. ****

 

Ignoring the last part of his sentence, I decide to be as forthright with this as possible. It’s plain to see that we’re both uneasy (which I couldn’t care less about _his_ comfort level right now) and I really don’t feel like dealing with him for a prolonged period of time. 

 

“Why don’t we sit and talk for a while? I have a few things I need to say to you and there are a few things you need to explain. Most of them deal with Lily.”�

 

He shoots a nervous glance in my direction, perceptibly flabbergasted with my retort, before _trying_ to act urbane by laughing a little. 

 

“We can do that.”�

 

The smooth, deep voice I’m so used to hearing from him is cracking and extremely husky. I’ve known Sirius for a substantial amount of time–long before he and Marlene started dating–and this is the first time I’ve seen him like this. The cool and composed style I’m attuned to seeing is gone. 

 

“If you have something to say, I’d like for you to say it. I only have a few minutes to get ready. I’m supposed to meet someone.”� 

 

His lies never fooled me before and they definitely aren’t working now. I’ve been around him long enough to know that if he really had to be somewhere, he would not be looking like hell right now.

 

“I’ll try to make this short, but it probably won’t be very sweet,”� I say as I grab the stool by what I assume is Remus’ desk and turn it around to face him, “Still, I suggest you pull up a chair.”� 

 

He looks at me for a moment, most likely contemplating rebelling against my request, but then he grabs the seat nearest to mine. 

 

“Lily is like a sister to me and I hate seeing her hurt. And since last week, that’s all I’ve been seeing. I’ve listened to people attack her character, people who don’t really know her. I’ve watched as she’s beaten herself up for all of this, always saying she couldn’t destroy your friendship. The happiness of her friends comes first in her life. And up until this morning, I could never put it together. I never understood what caused their relationship to end. But now, I know. I see it perfectly.”� 

 

His stormy gray eyes are alarmed, but the depression is still there, overpowering everything else. And even though they’re lifeless, I sense another emotion stirring within him. 

 

Regret.

 

I’ve struck a nerve. ****

 

“When you and Marlene started dating, I thought you were perfect for her. You were everything we, her friends, hoped you’d be. Even though you had a rough history with women, we were able to look past that because you were a gentleman. You treated Marlene with the respect, something that a lot of guys didn’t do. 

 

“Somewhere along the way, she fell in love with you. And when Lily and James first got together, you two were doing well. But sometime throughout this year, you changed. You grew distant and you watched James and Lily _all the time_. You’re so jealous of them that it’s pathetic. And _I_ feel like shit because deep inside, I knew about this. I knew things were getting bad before Marlene broke up with you. I just never knew you would do something like this. I said nothing, I did nothing because I honestly never thought that someone who claimed to love them like family would intentionally screw up their lives like you’ve managed to do.”� 

 

By now, I’m practically shouting in his face, genuinely wanting to slap the useless man in front of me. He remains stoic; visibly shocked that sweet, meek little Alice Foster is berating him. 

 

He moves his elbows to his knees and clasps his hands together to shield his face, thinking it will somehow prevent what I’m saying from sinking in. 

 

“Sirius, Lily loves you. She loves and trusts you so much and she reveres what you say. She takes it straight to her heart, so much that she’s willing to sacrifice her relationship for you. I’m not sure what made you so desperate to do this and you might even be right. She might be hurting your friendship. But is this what you really wanted to happen? How are you gaining from their heartbreak? From what I can tell, no one is gaining anything. We’re all hurting because you just didn’t know how to deal with your emotions.”�

 

I stare at him as he begins to rub his hands together, avoiding my gaze.

 

“My opinion of you never changed. I’ve still thought very highly of you because you and your best friend dated my friends. Both of you made them smile and that was enough for me. But right now, I don’t like what I’m seeing. 

 

“What happened to that gentleman who won Marlene’s heart? Where did he go? Because I don’t like this inconsiderate person who has replaced him. I really don’t like this person who is living off the bottle. And I especially… _especially_ don’t like this person who is messing up the lives of the people he claimed to care about the most. And if truth be told, I don’t think you do either. So is there anything you want to say? Anything you can tell me that _isn’t_ a lie?”�

 

Now come the unshed tears. Too little, too late. 

 

“No.”�

 

Pushing myself out of my seat, I look down at him and laugh sarcastically. Of course he doesn’t. ****

 

“Well, if that’s all you can say for yourself, I guess I’ll be leaving and let you get to whatever it is you have to do. But before I go…Lily asked me to do her a couple of favors. One had something to do with some sort of payment,”� His eyes instantly shoot to mine, wide and still with shock, “She said she wants them cancelled.”�

 

His eyes immediately drop to the floor, still wide and disbelieving. 

 

I pull out the box from my pocket and lay it on the stool where I was once sitting. 

 

“The second task was for me to give this to James, but I want you to do it. I want you to have to look your best friend in the eye and really see what you’ve done. I want your conscience to nag you until it drives you mad.”�

 

He eyes are fixated on the box as I move to the living room entrance and turn to face him once again.

 

“Congratulations, Sirius. You have done the one thing that even the vilest of Slytherins have failed to do. You’ve done what even Rosier couldn’t do. You’ve killed her spirit, you’ve found her weakness, and you broke it. You broke her heart. Not even they could do that.”� ****

 

For a moment, a very brief moment when his guilt-ridden eyes collide with mine, I feel pity for him. 

 

Then I remember the reason I came here in the first place. I remember Lily. I see her face. I hear her cries. ****

 

“Think about this. Stop being selfish for a second and look at the people who are really hurting. Do they deserve this? Do they deserve the hell you’re putting them through?”�

 

As I walk out of the room and begin my search for Frank, I can only hope that he comes up with the right answer. 

 

And understands what to do once he finds it. ****

 

** Next Chapter: **

 

_My pulse automatically begins to race. My hip is leaning against the wall, one hand gripping the door and the other using the frame as a brace, while I gaze into the bottomless blue eyes that I haven’t seen in a while._

 

_Eyes that I was convinced would never meet mine again._

 

_“Sirius.”�_

 

_Her voice is so melodic, so dreamlike. Even the large slab of ice surrounding my heart is thawing from the sweet sound. I feel like I haven’t heard it in years. I’ve missed it._

 

_“Marlene.”� ****_


	15. A Battle Lost

  
EXCEPTION TO THE RULE  
 ****  
  
Chapter 14: A Battle Lost  
  
 _‘_ _I pretended I'm glad you went away_  
These four walls closing more everyday  
And I'm dyin' inside  
And nobody knows it but me…

 

****  
__  
Sirius’ POV  
  
  


**November 29, 1977**

Monday

 

I’ve seen strength demonstrated by a variety of people in a variety of ways.

 

Some are blessed with muscle power. Several have a wealthy mentality. Others can effectively hold their emotions together with the shortest of string. Then there are those who are given a healthy combination of all three.

 

But I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone as strong or determined as Lily Evans. For someone who is vulnerable to acts of violence, she wears the bull’s-eye on her back proudly.

 

Our world has become cold-blooded, so callous and dangerous toward her kind. With Voldemort gaining power and assaulting the innocent, it’s enough to make the bravest of the brave tremble in their sleep. It’s certainly not the type of environment for someone like her.

 

And despite all of the risks, she’s still here.

 

I, along with the rest of Hogwart’s student body, watched when she walked up to the stool and conversed with the Sorting Hat, then bounced down the steps with a smile on her face as she ignored the whispers.

 

_A **muggle** surname. A muggleborn. _

 

_A mudblood._

 

She would smile in the hallways like she knew something no one else knew. A secret. And sure enough, she did.

 

Grades would arrive. All passing. All excellent. And she quickly became the smartest witch in our year.

 

Fifth year, she did something that had never been done before. She proved that not only could she withstand the doubters, but she also had the gumption to reject and stand up to the most popular boy in Hogwarts. A Marauder. A prankster. James Potter had never heard the word ‘no’ until he met Lily Evans, but he became quite familiar with it that year.

 

She’s persevered through every obstacle that’s come her way and she’s done it with poise and integrity. Never easily influenced, never the one to follow the crowd. And maybe that’s what made James fall in love with her. _Really_ fall in love her.

 

Marlene always told me that she admired Lily for her tenacity. She claimed that her grace under fire, her courage, is what makes her extraordinary. But she is wrong.

 

Her heart–her ability to love others unconditionally–is her greatest strength.

 

But it is also her supreme disadvantage.

 

And when Alice spoke to me, she was exactly right. I did what no other person [to my knowledge has ever done.

 

I broke her heart. I broke Lily Evans.

 

A member of her adopted family…a protector…a close friend, broke her.

 

From the time when she and James started dating, she turned to me for recommendations on every subject imaginable–even if she chose not to use the suggestions in the end. She wanted to hear my opinion because it _mattered_ to her. I _mattered_ to someone.

 

And after all of that, it was my suggestions that hurt her.

 

It was my words that brought her to her knees. I caused the onslaught of rumors; I held the door wide open.

 

I’ve heard it all by now. Those ignorant chirping birds gossiping about how she used the pureblood Potter name to heighten her social status. The rumors saying she cheated on him multiple times with both Remus and I. And each one of these lies digs a little deeper into my soul.

 

And I’ve said nothing.

 

Nothing to contradict it. Nothing to defend her good name. Nothing to clean up this mess that I’ve made of ours lives.

 

The wise words of Alice repeat in my mind

 

_Do they deserve the hell you’re putting them through?_

 

I can’t run from those words. They’ve been in my head, weaving in and out of my brain both day and night.

 

I snatch the bottle of rum off the table and pour until three quarters of it is full. I take a sip, relishing in the burn as the glass rotates in my hand.

 

“No, they don’t.”�

 

I nearly jump out of my skin when I hear a knock at the door. While staring at the half empty glass in my hand, I mull over the idea of ignoring the raps and pretending that I’m not here. Now is not the time for company.

 

I want to be alone. I want to drown myself in sorrow. I don’t care what anyone says anymore. I just want to forget who and where I am.

 

Most of all, I want the damn knocking to stop. I want the person on the other side of the door to get bored and leave me be, but another soft thud dispels that wish.

 

Realizing that I’m going to have to answer, I stash the bottle and the glass on the other side of my bed and walk to the door.

 

I jerk it open, expecting to see some kid with a detention slip from McGonagall. A lecture-ready Alice waiting for me on the opposite side. Maybe even a downtrodden James looking for a place to get away.

 

But I’m wrong, very, very wrong.

 

“What is so important that y–?”�

 

My pulse automatically begins to race and I can’t even finish the sentence. My hip is leaning against the wall, one hand gripping the door and the other using the frame as a brace, while I gaze into a set of bottomless blue eyes.

 

Eyes that I was convinced would never meet mine again.

 

“Sirius.”�

 

Her voice is so melodic, so dreamlike. Even the large slab of ice surrounding my heart is thawing from the sweet sound. I feel like I haven’t heard it in years. I’ve missed it.

 

“Marlene.”�

 

Until now, I never realized how much I missed her eyes and her voice. I have classes with her and I hear her chatting with her friends, but we do what we can to steer clear of one another. She hasn’t spoken to me since that day and vice versa.

 

And now, here she is. She’s standing here in the flesh, looking as beautiful as ever, and I have absolutely no idea what I should do.

 

I’m torn between my heart’s longing to hold her close and my mind’s anger to slam the door in her face, let her walk away with a heavy heart like she did to me.

 

“Um, I thought I’d stop by and, er, see how you were doing. I haven’t seen you in a while. But if you’re busy…”�

 

Her eyes dance nervously between me and the floor, struggling to stay focused on one thing.

 

And finally, they land on me. I shiver, but I’m not cold. _Definitely_ not cold.

 

“I-I’m not. Please, come in.”� I step back and gesture for her to walk in with a wave of my arm.

 

She enters the room and as she passes, I can smell her strawberry-scented shampoo mixed with the sweetest perfume.

 

What the hell is _wrong_ with me? I never paid this much attention to her scent. Her eyes never sent shivers down my spine before.

 

I must be sick.

 

I grudging shut the door and follow her into the room. There’s plenty of space for the two of us to sit or stand, but I want to be far away from her. I need to be away. I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t want her to smell the rum or if it’s because of the peculiar way my instincts are reacting to her visit.

 

“So…how are you?”�

 

I keep my bowed and mumble a reply of fine, “So-so.”�

 

I’m not looking at her directly, but I know exactly what she’s doing. Her leg is bouncing. She’s chewing on her bottom lip. Removing the imaginary dirt from her fingernails. Anything to avoid the awkward moment.

 

“I’ve talked to Lily.”�

 

Four words that have me on guard.

 

We’ve switched positions; _I’m_ tense, _I’m_ aiming nervous glances in her direction. Marlene was the first to point out my strain with James and Lily’s relationship. After all, it led to the demise of our own. That is definitely hard to overlook.

 

“She’s not over him, you know. Far from it, to be completely honest. I was so stunned when she told me they broke up. They were so good together. Perfect. I didn’t think anything would ever come between them.”�

 

I need a drink. My eyes dart over to my bed, knowing too well what is on the other side. But I can’t get give into temptation. Not with Marlene around.

 

“It’s amazing, the stuff they’ve been through together. All of those years he spent trying to win her heart, all the progress they made within the last year. They’ve made it this far just to give up. It doesn’t make sense.”�

 

Hair has fallen into my eyes and I shake my head to flick it away. My stomach clenches as I give a half-hearted retort.

 

“A lot of things don’t make sense, but they happen anyway.”�

 

She sends me skeptical look and I automatically avert my gaze.

 

“I know that, but…look who we’re talking about, Sirius. This is James and Lily! They were–they _are_ –meant to be.”�

 

“Like us, right? We thought we were meant for each other too, didn’t we?”�

 

As soon as those words spilled from my loose tongue, I instantly regretted them. Her face is downcast and I’m unable to see her expression, but I know my words have stung her. And when she finally speaks, I have to strain to hear it.

 

“I asked for that. It was stupid of me to blurt out such a loaded statement like that. I wasn’t thinking, I-”�

 

“No, no, it’s fine, really. I’m the one who should be apologizing. That was a low blow. There’s just a lot of shit going on and…I shouldn’t have said that to you. I wasn’t thinking. To be honest, I haven’t been doing a lot of that lately.”�

 

She lifts her head, concern written on her face. She’s always been this way. Always concerned with my life and everything in it. Always concerned about how I was handling the situation with my family, for example. Her heart is so big, so generous and loving. And so much like the one I destroyed a week or so ago.

 

“Listen. I know we’re not on the best of terms, but you look like something’s weighing on your mind. If you want…if you need someone to talk to you, I’m here for you. But please, tell me…is something wrong? Are you okay?”�

 

It’s almost like apparition when she’s suddenly by my side, one hand kneading the aching muscles of my back while the other clings to my hand.

 

Something about her touch makes me relax. Something about the way her soft voice rings in my ears, the way her fingers soothe me in the easiest of ways, the way she emanates a form of love that I’ve never felt before…it feels so right.

 

It feels so perfect.

 

It feels better than the burn of alcohol, better than the high of a joint. It feels like home…a home I never knew existed.

 

“I’ve made a mistake, Marlene. But that shouldn’t come as a shock,”� I mumble, lowering my head slightly.

 

My heavy heart begins to lift just a little. All of these thoughts, feelings, and urges have been locked inside for too long. It feels like a damn has cracked and the water is progressively seeping through the crevices.

 

But it has yet to give way completely.

 

“I’m not proud of it… I wish I could undo everything. But I can’t…and I’m not sure I can fix it.”�

 

She nods her head in understanding, even though she has no idea. Not the slightest. It’s a dark secret beyond her wildest dreams. Her curious and worried are eyes are seeking mine, trying to get me to reveal my problem. Trying to find out what went wrong.

 

And then it hits me.

 

The jitters, the nervous glances, the desire to spill everything; it all makes sense now.

 

The way her scent makes me want to bring her closer, the way her eyes lure me in, and the way her voice warms my heart. The way I could get used to having all of these things everyday.

 

The way I’ve missed her so much since she left.

 

_I love her._

 

Everything about her: her wit, her spirit, her beauty. Everything. How she wrinkles her nose when she sees or smells something she dislikes. How she’s willing to take the first step even when it’s my fault.

 

I can’t explain it. I don’t know how it happened.

 

I’m not supposed to fall in love. I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve to fall in love.

 

But I am.

 

And that makes it so much harder to tell her. A hundred times harder to put it in words because I know what will happen.

 

I’ll lose her again. Only this time, it’ll be for good.

 

She would hate me or in the very least, be extremely let down. She and Lily are friends. Not _too_ close, but close enough to where she would be very disappointed and angry at my news. And she’s admitted to talking to Lily. She’s watched her cry. She’s been there to comfort her.

 

How can I tell her that I deliberately hurt two of my friends? That I’m the one responsible? How can I tell her that I’m not the person I used to be, that I’m not the person she fell in love with?

 

“Go on, Sirius. Say it.”� She says, discerning my reluctance and placing a hand on my bicep, but I can only shake my head.

 

I can’t do this. I can’t tell her.

 

“I…can’t. I need to be alone.”� I hastily stand up from the chair and move away from her. Her hand is hanging in midair, still in the same location where it rested on my arm. My arm is still tingling from just five seconds of contact.

 

“Please, Sirius…just talk to me.”�

 

“You should go, Marlene. I just need to be alone right now.”�

 

She’s standing somewhere behind me. I’m not sure how close, but close enough to where I can hear her irregular breathing.

 

“You don’t have to do this, Sirius. Whatever the problem is, you don’t have to face it alone. Please, let me help.”�

 

She doesn’t understand. It’s so simple, so easy for her to say those words when she doesn’t know the whole story. Not even half of it.

 

I spin around, startling both of us. My face is just a little bit closer to hers, the position a little more intimate than I’d planned.

 

“You don’t get it Marlene, you just don’t. No one does. This is not your cross to bear. It’s mine. There’s no one who can help, not a single soul on Earth. So please…go.”�

 

She looks down, not wanting me to see her fall apart again. It reminds me of the last time she left.

 

This is too much.

 

The same crushed look is on her face. The same tears are threatening to fall. Only this time, when she comes to the door, she isn’t angry. She has no harsh, final words to say. She does a half-turn and a forlorn smile adorns her face, but she’s still not looking directly at me.

 

“I didn’t think I would ever say these words, but…I miss you, Sirius. I really do,”� She says, her voice barely above a whisper.

 

“If you need someone to talk to, you know where to find me.”�

 

I turn my back as the door clicks shut.

 

Once again, she’s gone. One again, I let her leave. Only this time, I asked her to go.

 

She wanted to stay. She wanted to help me. And I pushed her away.

 

Maybe this is justice being served.

 

I’ve made my bed, now I must lie in it.

 

“I know you’re in here, Sirius, now quit being an arse and open the door before the fifth years see me and start getting ideas. Too much talking going on as it is.”�

 

Alice’s nauseatingly jovial voice shouts from right outside the door and my eyes fly open, but not for long. My head is already pounding and the bright daylight filtering into the room is not helping in the slightest.

 

Cracking on eye, I glance over at the door, praying that she’s abandoned her reason for coming here. But as soon as I get comfortable once again, the sound of banging is enough assurance that I won’t be getting peace any time soon.

 

“Damn it,”� I grumble, flinging the sheets back and slowly rising to stand on my bare feet. In my hurry, I consequently send the diverse–and drained–bottles of alcohol to the floor. Without even bothering to fix my hair or change my attire, I open the door.

 

“What the bloody hell do you want now?”�

 

My head is _still_ throbbing from the excess alcohol combined with the vivid sunlight. The last thing I need or want is another sermon.

 

“Aren’t you just a lovely ray of sunshine this morning? Or shall I say, afternoon?”� She laughs sarcastically while I stagger to the edge of my bed, yet she remains by the door.

 

“Well first of all, it’s almost twelve and we have class at one, so I recommend that you hop in the shower. You look horrible. Secondly–and I have a feeling I already know the answer so this is probably pointless, but–have you returned the ring to James yet?”�

 

Immediately, my eyes zoom over to the nightstand drawer. Inside lies the said ring that should be on Lily’s finger right now. The ring that I’ve frequently stared at from the moment Alice dropped it off.

 

“No, I haven’t. I’ll give it to him today. I will.”�

 

She sighs, her frustration with me visible.

 

“Apparently you _do_ think they deserve this.”�

 

The sentence is like a bomb to my heart. It hits, explodes, and my heart is aching painfully in my chest.

 

She walks down the steps, the dismissal, “See you in class,”� echoing in her wake.

 

After a hasty shower, I grab the box from the drawer and join the flock of people in the busy hallways with one purpose in mind.

 

Give James the ring.

 

The closer I get to the classroom, the louder my pulse seems to thump. I can see Remus, Peter, and several other seventh years from separate houses waiting by the door.

 

No James.

 

“Well hello, Sleeping Beauty. We were wondering if you’d rejoined the land of the living yet,”� Remus chuckles as he slips his books under one arm and angles himself to face both Peter and I.

 

“Have you seen James?”� I ask, shuffling my feet timidly.

 

“I have.”�

 

A deep voice startles me and I turn to see the James at the back of the line, trying to tuck in his shirt into his slacks and adjusting his uniform before McGonagall spots him.

 

“What’s going on? You look like you’ve lost your best friend. Have no fear, Padfoot, I’m right here.”� He says.

 

He’s trying to resurrect his lively personality, but the statement hits far too close to home right now. I can’t laugh or even smile. There’s nothing funny about this. Nothing at all.

 

He looks like hell.

 

His face is thin and pale, even more so than the last time I talked to him. His eyes look weak, not even a small glimmer of amusement can be found.

 

My heart is hammering in my chest and I feel like I might drop dead of a heart attack right here and now.

 

“Er, I have to give you something. Can we, uh, move to some place a little more…out of the way?”�

 

A lop-sided grin spreads on his face as we walk over to a little corner. It’s not much better, but it’s still an improvement.

 

“Sure. What is it?”�

 

For a second, I almost back out. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I’m putting the nail in the coffin on my best friend’s relationship. A relationship that I eradicated.

 

My fingers tremble wildly as the latch onto the small object in my pocket. Slowly, very slowly, I pull it out.

 

He recognizes it immediately and his face seems to lose a little more color, if possible. This was the last thing he expected…or needed.

 

He doesn’t say anything. Remus and Peter watch carefully from a short distance as they, too, identify the item.

 

James’ chest is heaving as he extends his hand and takes the box from mine.

 

“You talked to her? When?”� His voice is unsteady and he’s barely able to get the words out.

 

“Alice gave it to me. I didn’t see her.”�

 

His hazel eyes are clouded with pain and suppressed tears and he turns away from me, walking back towards the line.

 

His thumb rubs over the object in his hand as he stares at it carefully, seemingly lost in his own world. And then all of a sudden, he stops and turns back. His eyes land on me.  
 ****  
”�See it? See this box?”� he holds the box up for all of us to get a good look, “This box right here is my future. This box holds everything I ever wanted: my hopes, my dreams, every single one of them. And now they’re worthless.”�

 

His words twist the dagger in the heart. He couldn’t be further from the truth. That box is still worth something to the both of them. It still carries the same meaning. That will never change.

 

“Merlin, why? Why did she do this?”�

 

His voice cracks, chocked full of emotion. He doesn’t look back at me as he runs his fingers through his hair and begins to pace.

 

Peter and Remus look at me. I’m his best friend, I should know what to tell him. I should give him support. But I don’t know what to say and neither do they. They’re asking themselves the same question, unaware that I already know the reason.

 

_I told her._

 

_I told her!_

 

The words are spoken so clearly in my head. I’m internally shouting them, wanting to rid myself of this burden, this guilt. My mouth opens slightly before falling shut again. It’s the same thing, the same hesitation that happened with Marlene.

 

I just can’t say it.

 

In the meantime, a foolish Peter decides to walk over to James and places a hand on his shoulder.

 

“It’ll be all right, Prongs,”� He says, trying his hardest to believe his own words.

 

He’s trying to be so optimistic and cheerful, but it’s not effective. But apparently Peter doesn’t know that.

 

“I heard Sarah Kinsley is interested in you. W-why don’t you take her to Hogsmeade? It could help take your mind o-off of things.”�

 

Peter’s intentions are earnest, but I know what James reaction will be. This conversation is déjÃ  vu.

 

The cold, hard glower that I’ve become familiar with bores into Peter before he set sights on Remus and myself.

 

“You think that I spent years trying to win her heart just so some new girl can come and instantly erase her? Are you really that dense? Do you know me at _all_?”�

 

All three of ours heads bow in disgrace. His shouting is drawing attention from other students and they lean in, desperate to hear what he has to say.

 

And so he tells them.

 

“All this time, this is what you’ve been thinking? ‘ _Move on_ , _get over_ _her_ ’…is that what you say behind my back? Fuck her! Fuck Lily! Is that what you bloody want? Then fuck you! _Fuck.You_.”�

 

He pushes away from the wall and stops in front of me, looking around at the small crowd that has gathered. A scathing laugh bounces off the adjacent walls, but there is no humor as he quickly wipes the tears from his face.

 

“If that’s what you really think, if that’s what you honestly believe, then you’re sorely mistaken.”�

 

His wounded eyes are looking straight into mine and for a second, I’m convinced that he can see into my soul. That he can see the lies I’ve told and the destruction I’ve caused.

 

“I want to spend the rest of my life with her. She’s everything to me. I couldn’t ask for anyone else, I couldn’t need anyone else, and I definitely don't want anyone other than her. Lily Evans is irreplaceable.”�

 

And every second that his eyes remain locked with mine…every word he whispers…every tear that trickles down his face…amplifies the weight on my shoulders.

 

And if I don’t remove it soon, if I don’t say what so desperately needs to be said, I will be crushed.

 

I’ve lost my family. I’ve lost Marlene. I’ve lost Lily. I’ve lost myself.

 

And though he doesn’t see it, though he has no clue, I’ve already lost James as well. I lost him the second I confronted Lily.

 

I’ve lost this battle. I just hope I don’t lose the war.

 

‘ _The nights are lonely, the days are so sad_  
I just keep thinking about the love that we had  
I’m missin’ you  
And nobody knows it but me…’

 

**A/N** : The lyrics are to the song ‘Nobody Knows’ by Tony Rich Project. 

 


	16. Are You Happy?

  
EXCEPTION TO THE RULE  
 ****  
Chapter 15: Are You Happy?  
 _‘_ _And so it is_  
Just like you said it would be  
Life goes easy on me  
Most of the time  
And so it is  
The shorter story  
No love, no glory  
No hero in her sky…’

"The Blower's Daughter"--Damien Rice

****  
__  
Lily’s POV  
  
  


**December 3, 1977**  
Friday

So many people talk about my strength, my persistence.

 

They find it remarkable that, as a muggleborn surrounded by narrow-mindedness, I live my life as though I don’t grasp that I am _supposed_ to be an outcast. They think it’s amazing that I can push those cruel words to the back of my mind and carry myself with dignity.

 

It’s an attribute I am known for and very proud of.

 

But right now, I’m having an enormously difficult time mustering it.

 

Because tonight, I’ll have to face James. I’ll have to patrol with James for two whole hours.

 

I saw this moment in the horizon. It’s lurked in the far corners of my mind and I’ve been dreading for a while now.

 

I’ve tried to pull myself together. I’ve tried to organize my thoughts. And for a second, I managed to convince myself that it would be all right. That by some miracle, I would make it out of this alive and whole.

 

But as soon as the second evaporated, so went my optimism.

 

So now, I sit here next to Alice and Marlene in the Gryffindor common room with my Head Girl badge situated and wand ready. Watching the log in the fireplace as it dwindles into ashes, listening to the small number of occupants in the room blather about their homework, and waiting for the big hand on my watch to settle on twelve.

 

I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure what I would say to him if circumstances force us to talk. It would be beyond inept, beyond uncomfortable.

 

He’s followed my request just like I knew he would; we haven’t spoken since our split. We don’t sit together. We don’t steal glances or share sweet smiles. We don’t do anything, not for each other anyhow.

 

We just… _exist_.

 

But I know that in due course, I _will_ have to meet him. I’ll have to hold my chin up and go on like his company doesn’t faze me. Like the break-up never happened. Like _we_ never happened. After all, we can’t slack off our duties to the school just because our relationship ended.

 

And while I’ll try to present be as composed as possible on the exterior, the interior will be a very different story. I’ll be a complete wreck then just as I am right now. I know that I will have to look him in the eye sooner or later, and I’ll confess that I’m terrified of what I’ll see behind those round lenses.

 

He probably doesn’t want to be in the same room with me, let alone walking by my side for two hours straight. I can’t say I blame him, not one bit. He might even suggest that we patrol separately just to get away. Frankly, I don’t know what would hurt worse: him speaking to me–knowing things aren’t even close to what they were before–or him ignoring me the entire time.

 

I look at the girls sitting across and beside me, both lost in a conversation while I struggle with my own demons.

 

Tonight, I won’t have this. I won’t have the solace of a supportive Alice by my side. I won’t have Marlene’s shoulder to cry on. And I especially won’t have James’ hand to hold or his jokes to laugh at to buy the time.

 

I look down at the smooth, pallid skin that is now visible on my right ring finger. Skin that used to be covered by my promise ring. Without that minute piece of jewelry, I feel so stripped and exposed. That small band held more meaning than anyone could ever know. Possibly more than _I_ ever knew.

 

A warm hand–Alice’s hand–slides over mine and I lift my head to see both she and Marlene are studying me.

 

“It’ll be all right, Lil,”� She whispers reassuringly, but her dubious eyes betray her confident pep talk.

 

Thought it might not do me as much good as she hoped, she knows how much I needed to hear that. She knows the doubts that are going through my head no matter how good of an act I put on. If there is one thing I’ll never be able to do, it’s hiding my real emotions from Alice Foster.

 

My eyes remain on hers for a split second before I return them to the fire once more.

 

“Maybe tomorrow we can go to Hogsmeade. Just you, Marlene, and me. It’ll do you some good to get out of here for a while and we can do some Christmas shopping while we’re out.”�

 

I shake my head, sending my wild red hair flying to Godric only knows where.

 

“I’d rather not.”�

 

She looks at me curiously, eyes wide and a little dumbfounded that I would forgo a prospective enjoyable trip so that I could remain cooped up in Gryffindor tower all afternoon.

 

“You can’t keep running away from everyone. Some people and responsibilities–like James and what you have to do tonight, for instance–can’t be avoided forever. You’re making it harder on yourself than need be.”�

 

Deep down I know that she’s right, but it’s easier said than done. It’s easier to say you’ll confront the problem or embrace it than to actually _do_ it. I don’t want to take the risk of running into James at Hogsmeade with a ditzy girl hanging from his arm. I’d rather not run into him at all. This night will be as hell for me; there’s no need to rub salt into a fresh, open wound.

 

“I’ll consider it.”�

 

I don’t wait to hear her reaction, opting to look out the window at the night sky instead. And thankfully, she takes the hint and doesn’t persist. Any other time, Alice would press the issue until I caved. But she understands that now is not the appropriate time to push me, not when I’m about to meet my ex face-to-face.

 

This is what I love and appreciate the most about her. She can sense when I’m not in the right mood to discuss or do something and other times–times when she knows that I’m dying to let go, she’s right by my side to take whatever I dish out.

 

As the hand on my watch ticks away, I feel my heart start to race even faster. I fold my hands together, close my eyes, and say a short and silent prayer. And with a good, long, deep breath, I stand up and stretch my aching joints, avoiding eye contact with anyone looking my way.

 

“If you’re up to it, you can tell me how it went when you get back,”� Alice says, giving me a small smile of reassurance, “I’ll be here for you if you need me, you know that.”�

 

“I do,”� I give her a small smile and give her hand a little squeeze, “And thanks. I needed to hear that.”�

 

All the same, I’m not ready for this.

 

“Just breathe, Lily. It’s James. It’s _Potter_. You’ve been in awkward situations with him before. Just go out there and do what you have to do and it’ll be over before you know it.”�

 

I look at Marlene and she wraps her arm around my shoulders.

 

“Where is he?”�

 

And now she’s the one taking the deep breaths, but I’m closing in on another one.

 

“He told me he would be right outside. He should be waiting for you.”�

 

I’m nearing the portrait hole when I notice someone moving quickly towards me out of the corner of my eye.

 

“Hey, er, I don’t mean to bother you. I know you have somewhere to be.”�

 

A thousand different thoughts rush through my brain as I hear a well-known voice. And when I look up, I’m facing a pair of dark gray eyes.

 

“Sirius. What do you need?”�

 

His eyes are constantly shifting from object to object, never meeting mine head-on. He’s very jumpy.

 

“I’d like to have a quick talk with you. You have a couple of minutes left before nine. Do you mind?”�

 

Alice stands a few steps away from us with her hands on her hips, her eyes darting dangerously between Sirius and myself. I know she disapproves of him approaching me, but she knows this is my call. If I don’t want to talk with him, I can say no and walk away.

 

But I can’t do that. While a portion of me wants him gone, the majority wants to hear him out.

 

I’d like to agree and prolong the conversation to deliberately postpone my meeting with James. But then there’s also the small fact that Sirius Black is not in my top ten of favorite people to talk with either.

 

I’m between a rock and a hard place.

 

“It can’t be long.”�

 

I glance around the room and give Marlene, Frank (who just joined our small gathering a minute ago) and Alice an assuring nod. Marlene and Frank get up to leave the room at once (Marlene’s gaze lingering on Sirius a bit longer than usual since they split…and I notice Sirius’ eyes fall on her as soon as her back is turned), not really giving it a second thought.

 

Alice, on the other hand, is a little more unwilling to leave us alone and I can understand why. She’s the only other person besides Sirius and I who knows what really happened. I suppose she’s weary of him, afraid that he’ll say something else to upset or persuade me. But after a good fifteen seconds or so, she gives Sirius a long, hard look before following the other two.

 

I turn back around and wait for him to explain the meaning behind this, but he doesn’t return my stare. He runs a hand through his hair and I’m instantly reminded of James. The two of them are very different, but they’ve picked up some of each other’s habits over time. James always ruffled his hair when he was nervous, so it’s only natural that Sirius would develop the same practice.

 

“I knocked on the door to your dorm but I didn’t get an answer.”�

 

Skimming over the common room, I scrutinize a lamp as if it were some new, interesting addition. I’ve seen it countless times before.

 

“I’m not staying there, not anymore,”� My voice is low so the stragglers in the common room can’t hear, “He’s living there. I can’t go back. There are way too many memories and it would only be uncomfortable for the both of us.”�

 

Now I’m the one avoiding his gaze. And even though I can’t see his face from this angle, I know his expression. My words stung him and a part of me–a twisted, sadistic fraction can’t help but be glad.

 

“So, you must have something to say if you needed to talk right now. What is it?”�

 

My voice cracks as I speak. I wasn’t primed for this evening in general, much less for this unanticipated tÃªte-Ã -tÃªte.

 

“I wanted to talk. You walked away from me the last time I tried to talk to you and I…I wanted to know how you’re doing.”�

 

It’s a tone I’ve never heard from Sirius Black: discreet, delicate, and even considerate. One I’m sure he has abstained from using.

 

“I’m still alive and breathing, thanks for asking.”�

 

And that’s all I know to tell him. I’m alive, I’m breathing, I’m attending class. Attempting to take it all in stride even though a part of me has already wilted away. It’s a long hard road full of many potholes and large rocks and I can’t see the end. But I have to get there. It’s all I can do to push this out of my mind.

 

He can’t look at me when I face him. He’s been following me this entire conversation, but when he sees the hurt in my eyes, he can’t bear it and has to look away.

 

“What else am I supposed to do, Sirius? I don’t really have a choice. James is not with me anymore. For all I know, for all I’ve seen or talked to him since then, he could be moving on. But he was everything to me and he’s not a part of my life anymore.

 

“It’s kind of ironic. I used to get so annoyed when he followed me around. Or when he gave me little random gifts. We weren’t even going out…I didn’t even like him, but he insisted on doing everything in his power to prove he loved me. I never thought I’d miss any of those things. I guess they had to stop in order for me to finally appreciate them.”�

 

I throw my hands up and laugh a little, a salty stream collecting in my eyes.

 

“So I do what I can. I do my best. It’s all I _can_ do.”�

 

He stands by the fireplace–a good distance across from me with his arms crossed and sleeves rolled up–keeping his eyes locked on the dim flames.

 

“He’s still in love with you, Lily.”�

 

I have to put up a good fight to hold back the imminent tears. I have no right to cry. I’m the one who put an end to it. I made a choice, I broke his heart.

 

“It doesn’t matter, Sirius. Those words can’t change the truth. They can’t undo what you said to me and what I said to James. I loved him then and I love him now, but it doesn’t change what happened. He hid something so massive from me; all four of you did. What’s done is done. I sacrificed and you have your friend back. You won.”�

 

He rolls his sad, puppy dog eyes from the fire to me. An indefinite amount of time goes by, but neither one of us turn away. Not until my intellect kicks in and I look down at my wrist.

 

“It’s nine o’clock. I need to get going.”�

 

I turn from him and climb the steps leading to the frame, feeling his eyes on the back of my head the entire crossing.

 

“Lily.”�

 

I face him one final time and I can see his emotional mayhem. He opens his mouth, rummaging for the right words, but closes it hurriedly. He’s torn between the choosing of his heart and mind

 

“Remember what I said and...good luck.”�

 

I stare at him at him as I stretch my hand for the knob, getting the impression that he wanted to say more. A lot more.

 

My legs are wobbly as I turn the handle and concurrently take one last deep breath. And as I look down at the floor, I detect the one person I’ve been avoiding all week come closer. I’m not sure what I’ll see if I raise my head, so I try not to look.

 

But my strength of will fades quickly. As soon as the Fat Lady swings shut behind me, my eyes land on his.

 

What little resolve I had mustered in the common room was lost as I stared into those dark pools. All concentration, all remembrance of why I was essentially here vacated my mind.

 

I’m breathless. The agony, the pain…it’s all there. And so is the love, just like Sirius told me it would be.

 

I lower my head, making an effort to break the connection between us, but I know that it’s hopeless. I have to silently drink in every moment I can spend with him because it’s so rare for us to be this close to one another now. Unable to resist the attraction any longer, I peer up at his tall frame once more.

 

And that’s when I notice it.

 

That’s when I see something that takes the breath right out of me.

 

His necklace. _The_ necklace. And the ornament hanging from it causes my already shattered heart to crumble into a million little pieces.

 

His ring.

 

He’s still sporting his promise ring. And mine…mine was given back to him alongside an even more valuable piece of jewelry.

 

My eyes seemed to be entranced and no matter how bad I want to, I can’t rip them away. It’s like a magnet and I hope my body is drawing closer to it like my eyes seem to be.

 

Fifteen minutes.

 

Thirty.

 

Forty-five.

 

A full hour and four 80 deducted house points later, we are still draped in an uncomfortable silence with no way to break through.

 

“Are you happy?”�

 

I’m drawn out of my trance by his monotonous voice and I chance a look at him, but I only peek long enough to see his blank face staring straight ahead.

 

“W-what?”� I stammer, floored by him initiating a conversation.

 

“I asked if you’re happy. Now that you’ve succeeded in removing me from your life, are you?”�

 

My head turns to the side while my feet keep walking. To where, I’m not sure. Right now, it doesn’t matter.

 

“I think we both know the answer to that. There was no sense in asking–”�

 

“Bollocks!”�

 

He turns to face me so swiftly that I almost bump into him with my shoulder, but I manage to right myself before we collide.

 

“I have every right to ask! I have every right to ask you whatever I bloody want! One minute, we were happy. You were happy. And the next day, the very next damn day, you’re kicking me out of your life! I’m so fucking sorry if I don’t get it, but who else am I supposed to ask these questions? Who else can give me a straight answer ‘cause you sure as hell aren’t doing it!”�

 

“Why don’t you ask him?!”� I shout at the top of my lungs, my voice bounding off the walls, statues, portraits…anything in close proximity.

 

Shit.

 

“I don’t kn–”�

 

He breaks off in mid sentence, his expression changing from angry to confused, and I know I’ve said too much. Way too much.

 

“What? What do you mean ‘ask him’? Ask who?”�

 

My breathing quickens and I try to speed up, but his hand stops me when it lands on my arm. His grip is light yet forceful, but I still feel the inevitable tingles.

 

“No. You’re not going anywhere. You’re going to tell me exactly what you meant by that.”�

 

He gives me a few minutes, waiting for me to say something. Anything. His intense gaze is boring into me, trying to find my weakness.

 

Not recognizing that _he_ is my weakness.

 

“I know you don’t want to be here right now and that you told me to leave you alone. But the thing is, Lil…I can’t. Not until you tell me what happened. I believe you owe me an explanation. I was a part of our relationship too, you know.”�

 

“I…,”� I pause, trying to think of some reason other than the truth.

 

It’s stuck in my throat, threatening to fall out of my mouth, and I almost say it. I almost tell him about my discussion with Sirius. I almost tell him the real incentive. Not some half-baked excuse that I tell everyone else, him included.

 

But the words change as soon as they come out of my mouth.

 

“You smother me, you follow me around like a lost puppy. I can’t be the center of your universe, James. I won’t replace your friends. And if that’s what you plan on doing, then I can’t be with you. I don’t want to be with you.”�

 

I internally cringe at that last part. I’m lying. I know it. He knows it.

 

Of course I don’t want to replace his friends, I don’t want it to come to that. I don’t want him to sacrifice anything and everything just to be with me. But then again, I want to be a part of his life so bad that it hurts.

 

Those softhearted eyes grow hard. He doesn’t look angry. He doesn’t look sad. He looks distant…cold, giving me a scowl that I’ve never seen before.

 

“You’re lying.”�

 

My eyes must be wide, not concealing my panic, because he definitely takes notice. And he definitely calls me on it.

 

“Surprised that I can read you so well?”� He chuckles resentfully, looking away and then back a fracture of a second later, “How soon you forget that I know you, maybe even better than you know yourself. Now tell me the real reason instead of some crackpot cover story.”�

 

His fingers are still locked around my arm, but they’ve slackened their hold just a little bit. He’s so close that I can count the flecks of green and gold in each iris. I can see the faint, jagged line of a scar running diagonally from his cheek to his jaw and the small mark above his right eyebrow. I can feel him panting against my lips.

 

His free hand lovingly strokes my cheek and my eyes quiver shut at the soft touch. My mind can only contemplate the way the coarse pads of his fingers feel against my sensitive skin, the way his breath seems to wash over my body from head to toe. The way it’s been too long since I’ve felt like this.

 

I’m reminded of all the ways he loves me and each touch we’ve ever shared. I’m reminiscent of the day I finally said yes, the instant he said the three words that made my world come alive, and our first time together.

 

I’m frozen to the spot, my body yielding to the power he has over me. Not just physically but emotionally and spiritually as well.

 

_So close. So tempting. So improper for me to encourage._

 

_I’ve let him go, I can’t have him back. I can’t lead him on like this._

 

As soon as the tender, blissful moment came, it was gone just as fast. I’m jarred back to a cruel reality. His hands still have a hold on me, but the warmth is now absent.

 

My eyes fly open, but I’m not greeted by a faithful set of hazels.

 

A pair of silver orbs are glaring back at me, full of anxiety, concern, and fear–so much fear. Fear of losing the one person who understands him more than anyone else in the world. Fear of losing his brother.

 

“Lily…”�

 

Upon hearing my name, I snap out of…whatever _that_ was. It was like I was hypnotized and the magic word to break my stupor was my very name.

 

I stare inanely at the man in front of me and he lets out a frustrated sigh, fully conscious that I haven’t even been thinking about giving him an answer.

 

“If what you say is the problem, I’ll fix it. It’s a done deal. I’ll give whatever space you need. I’ll do what it takes. But I know you. I know your heart. And I know you wouldn’t intentionally break mine. Talk to me, Lil. Open up to me like you used to.”�

 

I shut my eyes for a few seconds, praying that when I open them that I will find myself in Alice’s snug bed. But I don’t get my wish.

 

When I look at him again, I make out the desperation. I see what this has truly done to him. He’s never been one to beg for anything; too much pride. But as I stand a mere breath away from him right now, I feel him begging me to give him an answer. A sufficient answer that will justify what I’ve done and why we can’t be together again.

 

It would be so easy, so very easy to just let it slip and reveal everything. It would be so easy to make Sirius suffer. But by doing so, I would also make James suffer. I would tell him that his so-called best friend is the one behind this, the one who told me everything.

 

And he would not only suffer the heartbreak of a broken relationship, but a broken friendship too.

 

So once again, I bite my tongue and swallow the words. I spare Sirius for another day.

 

“I love you James, but I can’t. I’m sorry.”�

 

And in that instant, I know it’s over.

 

I pull loose from him and start down the hallway, waiting for him to stop me again. Waiting for him to yell my name. Waiting for him to catch up with me and block my way.

 

But he doesn’t do any of those things.

 

He doesn’t follow me. And I keep walking aimlessly. And when I look over my shoulder, I see the contour of his tall shadow shifting on the wall. I see the light from his wand drifting further and further away.

 

I see him leaving me for a second time.

 

**December 4, 1977**  
Saturday 

 

I hate when people talk about me in ‘whispers’.

 

Abso-fucking-lutely _hate_ it.

 

It’s the audacity that is so offensive to me. Like I’m either non-existent or too thick to understand what the conversation is about.

 

And I predominantly hate when they’re right.

 

“I’m getting worried about her. She hasn’t said one word about what happened last night when they were on patrols.”�

 

A lone tear slides down my cheek and onto my pillow as I lie on Alice’s bed, feigning sleep. I reluctantly listen to the discussion going on by Marlene’s bed, curious and a bit angry at how I’ve recently become their favorite topic of choice.

 

“You don’t know what she’s going through, Alice. You have Frank, you’re in love, and you’re happy,”� I can hear Marlene’s trembling voice pipe up and I know she isn’t just speaking on my behalf.

 

“Imagine if you lost that. That’s how she feels right now. She’s lost her boyfriend, practically fiancé. And we all know that a Lily Evans without James Potter is incomplete. Even when she hated him, she still needed him to vent her anger. At least that interaction was better than none at all. It’s better than what’s going on now. Without him in her life, she’s lost.”�

 

Stillness. The only sound interrupting the calm comes from the brutal winter wind as it rattles the windows.

 

Alice can’t deny that. _No one_ can deny that.

 

I flip over, now lying flat and staring up at the ceiling. This bed has been my residence since I came in from patrols. The strain of it all wore me down. I feel like I’ve been asleep for days and I’m sure I look the part. Even the greatest of spells most likely couldn’t salvage my appearance–the heavy bags under my eyes, frazzled hair, and monochrome complexion.

 

I’m exhausted. Even if I had the might to hoist myself off of this mattress, I don’t really think I’d want to. Problems come and go a lot easier when you stay in bed.

 

But there’s one problem. One small, microscopic problem that seems to creep up every time I close my eyes and I can’t rid myself of it.

 

Those broken hazel eyes are plaguing my nighttime visions and daytime fantasies. He’s in my mind and it’s just like he’s in this very room. Like he’s right beside me but I can’t reach out to him.

 

He’s with me again.

 

A taunting spiritual illusion that I can’t seem to shake, but it’s _so real_.

 

I can feel the heat of his body as if he were lying next to me. Hear the hum of his heart so explicitly as though my ear was pressed against his bare chest. Taste his tears as if they were combined with my own and realizing that I was the cause of them.

 

“Well, let’s be off then. We should get in line; Filch will take forever letting us through.”�

 

“Wait, what about Frank? Don’t you two always go together?”� I ask, searching for an excuse to stay indoors.

 

“Most of the time, we do. But I asked him earlier if he didn’t mind going separate today and he was fine with it. The three of us haven’t got to spend time with each other outside of the castle and today’s our day.”�

 

“But–”� I begin to protest, but Alice cuts me off before I can get another word in.

 

“We’re going to Hogsmeade and that’s final.”�

 

I tug my hand-knitted wool scarf closer to my neck in a desperate attempt to block out the cold, but I have to keep one hand on my matching hat to prevent it from blowing away. The wind speed had greatly decreased since we got out of the carriages, but it’s still strong enough to cut through the warmest of winter wear and blow away the slightest things. 

 

Marlene and Alice made for Honeydukes right away, leaving me no choice but to follow them. We passed by an interesting store on our way through the village but I knew they wouldn’t want to stop until they got their sugar-filled highs.

 

“If you two don’t mind, I’m going to make a quick trip over to that little store further down the street that we passed on the way here. I saw something in the window my mum might like and I thought I’d pick it up. Be back in a jiff.”�

 

They both nod and mumble something indecipherable, too immersed in the many delectable wonders of Honeydukes to pay me any mind. I walk out of the door a second later, listening to the light tinkling of the bell as the door opens and closes behind me, and step onto the snow-laden streets of Hogsmeade.

 

The scenery is quite lovely, the description you only read about in novels but rarely see in real life.

 

Children–most of them first years–are prancing through the snow, occasionally stopping and bending over to form their best snowballs. The shopkeepers have charmed their shovels and brooms to remove the mounds of slush accumulating on their doorsteps. Couples of all ages, particularly the Hogwarts students, can be seen streaming in and out of Madame Puddifoot’s Café like an army of ants.

 

And here I stand, cold and theoretically alone, watching as they pass me by.

 

This just serves as a nasty reminder of why I really didn’t want to come here, why I protested against visiting in the first place. I wanted to stay indoors, curl up with a good book and maybe a cup of hot chocolate. But no, I just had to come here. I just had to let them propel me into the land of self-induced misery.

 

What if I saw James walking out with another girl on his arm? He loves me, I know he does, but that can’t stop him from trying to move on. And after what happened last night, I’ve given him no reason to carry on his adoration.

 

I shunned him. I deflected his questions and walked away. And I nearly made matters worse by saying ‘ask him’, momentarily forgetting that the ‘him’ in the scenario is his best friend.

 

I begin the trek down to the quaint store, keeping my eyes straight ahead the full trip. The wind has picked up slightly, hurling large flakes of snow into my eyes and tangling my hair. The walk seems to be taking forever in these weather conditions.

 

Out of the blue, the tiny hairs on the nape of my neck start to prickle. An involuntary shiver runs down my spine in spite of my efforts to stifle it.

 

I hate this feeling. The knowing feeling I get when someone is watching me, hiding, waiting to make a move.

 

Before James and I started dating, I had that feeling frequently. He would sneak under his invisibility cloak and follow me to lunch, to the library, to the owlry…almost everywhere. I finally caught him red-handed by pure chance (my foot got tangled in the material of the cloak and inadvertently yanked it off).

 

But this is different. This is peculiar, borderline alarming.

 

Of course, I am surrounded by dozens of people, so it’s a good probability that someone is staring at me. Still, it doesn’t put my nerves at ease. I just can’t shake that feeling.

 

Have you ever been so paranoid that you begin to drive yourself crazy? That’s how I’m feeling right now. Constantly looking around, peeping over my shoulder, for a set of prying eyes that I’m not sure even exist. I imagine I’m providing a good show for bored spectators.

 

Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe it’s just my imagination running wild. Maybe I’m losing what’s left of my sanity.

 

So deep in concentration, I loosened my grip on the rim of my hat and a gust of wind carries it a good distance away. As if the heavy snowfall and icy winds aren’t enough to make my bad day even more worse, I see the irregular shape of my hat lying at the entrance of a dark alleyway.

 

It figures. I didn’t even know Hogsmeade _had_ dark alleyways.

 

As soon as I move forward to snatch it from it’s snowy bed, I know something is wrong. The eerie feeling I’ve had since I left Honeydukes is back again and it feels stronger than ever before.

 

I reach for the hat with one hand and for my wand with the other. My fingers tighten around the thin willow and I rehearse a few handy spells in my head, preparing for whatever awaits me when I turn around.

 

But I’m too late.

 

“ _Petrificus Totalus!”�_

 

My mind barely has enough time to register the words and what is happening to me before I see a burst of light speeding directly towards my chest. Instantly, my legs lock together and my face collides roughly with rocks, mud, and sludge.

 

I aim to move. With all the strength I can muster, I try to lift my hand, my arm, my leg…any part of my body, but I can’t. I’m not numb, I can still feel everything, but I can’t lift a finger and I can’t move my legs. The curse is too powerful.

 

I’m lying face down, stiff as a board in the wet snow, hidden in a dark alley under a body-bind curse, and at the mercy of whoever placed me under the hex in the first place.

 

So engrossed in my own useless thoughts when I become alert to the sound of crunching snow. Louder and louder and louder it becomes, a rhythm that’s in sync with my violently throbbing pulse.

 

Then it stops.

 

A hand grips the length of my neck while the other snakes around my waist, pulling my inflexible back against a hard, flat chest. I’m lifted from the ground, allowing the snow that clung to my hair to drip down my neck and I’m _so fucking cold_.

 

My heart is beating so frantically in my chest and I know I’m shaking. I want to vomit. I want to cry. I want to be in my room and locked away from the rest of the world.

 

I want to be with James.

 

As much as I’ve been praying I wouldn’t see him all day, I would give anything to see his face or hear his voice right now. I’d love to be close to him like I was last night. But he’s not here to love me. He’s not here to save me.

 

_No one_ is here.

 

And then a voice whispers in my ear, suave and deceitful and utterly sickening. The voice I prayed to God that I would never have to hear again.

 

“I knew you’d see it my way in the end, _mudblood_.”�


End file.
